Maybe you can help me

I was browsing in the feminine, sanitary products aisle the other day at CVS when I noticed another customer browsing right where I wanted to browse. He was an elderly, energetic man who quickly seized his prey. "Maybe you can help me. I am looking for vacation-size underpants?" (I am pretty sure this is what he said).

I quickly responded, "You mean underwear?" (In a home survey, Matthew said he would have simply asked instead, "What are vacation-size underpants?" - but my response wasn't half bad).

He nodded in the affirmative and I directed him to the fine underwear selection at CVS. His wife was apparently in the hospital and they don't provide vacation size underpants there. (I am still wondering if he was looking for Depends or something else entirely). In any event, I asked him about his wife's size and he told me she was about my height. Now just between you and me I don't think height is how you figure out what size underwear to buy. I tried again, "Is she big?" I held my hands out about a yard apart. No, no she wasn't big.

Knowing that I am about a size 7, I directed him to the size 8s because most older women seem to have a little extra padding. He seemed to think this would get her through her hospital stay and he thanked me for my help.

In the disillusioned category

I just found out that Christopher Plummer did not perform his own singing in The Sound of Music. It was the dubbed in voice of Bill Lee. They had me fooled. I am still in shock.

When I remarked to my mother that a woman in our old neighborhood seemed a little odd (what I really meant was manly I think), my mother calmly explained that when she was born she had both parts and her parents had to decide if she was a boy or girl. I can't imagine. This had me more floored than the dubbed voice of Bill Lee.

What if I could wake up and do whatever I wanted? I would write/publish/succeed with an incredible book or two, develop a course, have a successful album or two, sell songs, invent things, have my own business, own real estate, travel/travel - and why not wake up and think that way?

I am feeling sad (for lack of a better word) about a new year's gathering of old college friends. It's 8 hours away . . .and I'm certain Doug will not want to go and I don't want to go alone. It would make for a harried few days. Do I simply committ to a futute gathering to make myself feel better and follow thru next time? I so want to go, but the effort is just daunting.

Learning to read

So Daniel and I are waiting behind a car at the light with lots of bumper stickers to read to pass the time. It's the light in Wakefield where an elderly woman was killed, so the wait time is terminally long. For those of you who don't have a first grader at home - he is really just learning to read. As I declined to read him all of the bumper stickers (one in particular), he figured it out all by himself. This sticker guy was obviously a Red Sox fan.

"Take your 26 rings and shove them up your ass" the sticker read.

After Daniel successfully read this out loud he remarked, "That's not a nice bumper sticker."

There was also a cartoon of what looked like Calvin peeing on a Yankees symbol . . .

Unrelated thoughts

-Health has gotten complicated and it shouldn't be. I can't keep track of all the good and bad things I am supposed to ingest and avoid. Which ones have the most pesticides? Which ones have the least? Which have the most antioxidants? I don't bother to even worry about it and just try to eat healthy. Isn't that the best and simplest thing, really?

-From last time: The one thing that can fix itself (not the dryer, computer, kitchen sink) is the human body. It's amazing.

-How many Celtic singers in prom dresses can one PBS viewer take?

-Even 35 degrees and sunny is pretty nice at this point.

-I am becoming my mother. My eyes have gotten smaller in my head. I now have a larger purse. I have a short haircut. I have morphed into what she used to look like, at my age. And if I wear my glasses, watch out, I am a dead ringer.

-There's alot of testosterone in this house.

The most romantic dream

I am not sure if I was the man or woman in this dream because the couple really seemed as one.

They were cozy and cuddling. The man had his arm around the woman's shoulder as they sat in a restaurant booth. She touched the side of his head and brushed his hair with her hand. He brings her finger to his lips. She brushes his lips lightly with her long thin finger. He can't resist and leans in for a kiss.

"No, not here," she says.

"I can't help it," and he continues the kiss.

Her lips respond and she kisses him back.

"You kissed me back," he says.

"I couldn't help it," she smiles.

He leans back and closes his eyes in bliss. When the woman asks if he is falling asleep he remarks, "I've died and gone to heaven."

Unrelated thoughts

• I know this sounds crazy but only recently did I realize that Olive Oil from the Popeye cartoons was named after, well, olive oil - the food product.
• Daniel asked, "What does anxiety mean?" I said, "Do you have anxiety?" and continued, "It's fear or when you get upset about something. Where'd ya hear that?" "I don't know it just popped into my head," he said.
• Wouldn't it be great if things actually fixed themselves. I am talking about things like computer printers, vacuums, cars. Admit it, don't you sometimes think that little noise will go away, just disappear and all will be well again.
• When Doug's uncle asked me at Thanksgiving if I was thinking about another one (child), I almost laughed in his face. "George, I will be 45 on Sunday. I think it's too late . . . . ."
• "Thanks for God and Jesus - because if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't be here." Daniel is happy to be alive and this is his Sunday School training coming thru loud and clear.
• Getting new sneakers was and is still one of the best feelings in the world.
• I think I may have said this last time but 46 degrees and sunny is pretty damn nice. And I wouldn't have thought that a few months ago, either.
• Part of me hates disgustingly disciplined people who can take one square of a big, beautiful dark chocolate bar and stop at that.
• Cooking can be a real pleasure with time and the right frame of mind i.e. relaxed.
• There's a 14 hour/week writing job at URI. Should I appy? Is it beneath me? Or am I simply scared I might get it - not like it and/or fail? Did I mention I am not sure if I will have a job in a couple weeks and my current job has been cut back to 30 hours/week?

It was the best of times, it was the worse of times

The day Daniel wore this wig to school for Crazy Hair Day

he declared: "This is the best day of my life." Later that

afternoon the day became "the worst day of my life" due to

par for the course squabbling with his brother.

Other Danielisms:

• When I said "It's 47 degrees, a little cool." Daniel said, "I don't care. I'm a man." A man indeed.
• Vocabulary questions from Daniel who is 7! "What is pedestrian?," "What does altruistic mean?," and "What does empathetic mean?" These were asked in rapid fire fashion while walking into his swim lesson. I tell Doug they are all smarter than we were but came to find out Doug used to get straight As before he became interested in other things. . .
• "Matt, you entertain yourself for a minute," Daniel said in the nicest way possible while involved in an activity with his brother Matthew.
• "My feet feel so good after a good night's sleep."
• "I tell people I'm Wilfork," said Daniel while puffing out his stomach. Vince Wilfork is the sumo wrestler substitute who plays on the line for the Patriots.
• "How come I'm the only one who doesn't have a cell phone?" Daniel asked. "Because you're 7," I answer.
• "Where did he hear that?" wondered Doug and Michael in response to several of the quotations above.

Unrelated thoughts

-I don't know why but lately I've been noticing bad dye jobs. You know the type where the roots are growing out and the darker hair looks like someone poured furniture polish on that head.

-"Michael's room smells like a teenage boy." This was uttered by the woman who cleans our house. She must be smelling some mixture of hormones and B.O.

-In discussing liquid diets at my tennis group one woman declared, "I like food." I agreed and remarked, "Yes, I've been eating food my whole life."

Next time: I will recount a romantic dream I had.

Aging is growing in reverse

I had a conversation with my mother last night that went something like this:

'Aging is depressing. And you realize: I'll never play tennis again. I'll never play golf again. I look in the paper and see someone who just died at 82. Does that mean I might just have two more years left?'

"You might," I added helpfully.

She continued:

'I told Debbie (her sister) that I want to make it to 90.'

So she's not ready to go just yet. It's like she competing to make it to 90. I told her thoughts are powerful and if she wants to make it to 90 she probably will.

BUT, she is lonely and says so. The only people she sees on a regular basis are the helpers who come in and help my Dad. I guess he was recently floored by the $3,700 monthly bill for his helpers. That help don't come cheap but at least it's some company for Mom. She and her one friend Marilyn have been trying to have their birthday lunch for a few weeks now and there is still no date set.

What's the upshot? At age 80, she wants to leave a gorgeous house they moved into and away from us 5 years ago, to move back to be near us. Does any of this make sense? No.

The lesson: Don't move away from familyand friends to a strange place when you are 75 years old.

Unrelated thoughts

• With Daniel harassing me about voting for a neigghbor, asking me who I was voting for and objecting to my use of the handicapped booth - I forgot who I voted for in one instance, missed voting for a school committee member that I wanted to vote for, and I completely missed all the referenda questions on the back of the ballot. So much for the civics lesson - I ain't bringing him to the polls again.
• "I feel sorry for the moon because he has to work all day and doesn't get a rest." Daniel McGovern 10/20/10
• When I read an article in the paper suggesting limiting children to 3 pieces of candy per day - I read this outloud. Michael promptly reminded me "You don't have to believe everything you see in the paper."
• "Misery is optional" - uttered by a very wise friend.
• "You are not going to freak out on me" - uttered by a mother to a young girl in the dentist waiting room. Her reply: "No, I am just bored and tired."
• Some of the campaign slogans are hilarious. What would your slogan be if you only had 3-4 words? Because I care. Thinking ahead. I'm honest. Vote for me. Why not?
• Is it just me or are the greeters at Walmart annoying?
• "I just love the word Nevada." Daniel McGovern 10/30/10
• One morning Daniel told me I had something red on my PJs. Without even looking I immediately know what it is and deflect his comment with some hemming and hawing. As Daniel ponders and thinks, he says "I know, it is probably some candy." You see we've just had Halloween and given out bright red Twizlers but the truth is I was having my period . .
• This reminds me of a story a couple of years ago when I was taking into a public restroom on a trip. I was having my period then too. Even though I had explained to Daniel what the menstrual cycle was and why there was blood etc. he said in a very loud voice in this public restroom "Mom - what is that rash?"
• Interesting to note that few days after Halloween Michael offered up his candy to anyone who wanted it. When I suggested he limit himself to a couple pieces a day - he couldn't even do that. "I am sick of candy. Do you two want some?" This is a first in the history of my universe.

Cheap disposable shit

I had a moment today outside, where the sun felt so good on my face. A moment can undo a lot. It can undo and change the momentum of your day when things don’t always go your way. When you wish in your secret thoughts that bad luck would befall your enemies. When you criticize the accomplishments of others in your head. When your unrequited dreams are not fulfilled.

Yes things don’t always go your way or go as planned. A friend gave me a beautiful stack (5-6) of size 8 Husky jeans, with elastic waists and Daniel refuses to wear them. ‘I don’t like jeans,’ he said. If they were my size, I would wear them in a minute. They look brand new.

And the new Patriot jacket I got him for his birthday – the zipper is broken already. Cheap China shit – although I haven’t actually checked the label for the country of origin. If I worked for NPR I’d have just gotten myself fired with the China remark.

And those gorgeous (debatable) stainless steel thermoses that I bought for the boys’ lunches. One is dented and the insert is already broken.

Cheap disposable shit. I spent good money on those thermoses but of course I don’t have the goddamn receipt. I love to get rid of things - but that doesn’t include products I pay good money for.

But that sunlight helped. I must go out again. And exercise helped. I jogged at least 2.5 miles. You see I am at 149.5 lbs and though that might not sound like much depending on your weight, it may also sound like much depending on your weight. The point is 150 is my absolute cut-off and I am on a gaining trend. Just so you know, 145 was my old cut off and it’s got to end somewhere. Ever since I went to Block Island (I am blaming you Nan), I gained 2 lbs. and it doesn’t seem to come off. Though I have never really dieted – I figure I have to do something to stave off the lbs. That something is jogging. I am better at jogging than I am at restricting my food/drink intake. Much better.

In fact, the only time I have ever lost weight is due to illness or lovesickness. Neither is in the cards right now so jogging it is. That and a little sunlight to feel good. Let the negativity in my innermost thoughts melt away with the low, autumn sun.

How do you see your world?

Do you see people as inherently good or evil? Do you believe in the goodness of humanity? Well I posed these questions to Michael and Matt on the way somewhere. They are captive in my car, captive to my questions and always fight for what they call 'shotgun.' And why is it called shotgun - was this where people driving solo placed their shotguns? Sounds logical. I guess you wouldn't place your shotgun in the back seat but I digress.

The question was this: "Do you believe kids are basically mean or nice." Well if you knew these boys you might guess their answers. Michael said, "Kids at the Discovery Camp were all brats." I guess this was his representative sampling of kids but I was looking at an even bigger picture. I was looking for their philosophies of life. Then Matt said without hestitation at all, he thought kids were basically nice.

Interesting too to note that Matt is one of the nicest kids on the planet and Michael is well . . . getting nicer as he matures. He just gave Daniel $10 for his birthday present. This was just astounding to me as Michael literally 'earns' about $5 per week. He gave away his babysitting money.

And this gesture makes me see and believe in the good in people.

Speaking of the good in people. A friend, 83, who died in August wrote this in his Christmas letter: "I had great parents." What a great thing. I unfortunately cannot say that - not even close but their were glimpses of goodness. For all their failings:

My mother (who grew up in a segregated society, with a black maid, and prejudiced against black people) invited Clarence, a black boy with corn rows, to my brother's birthday party probably 45+ years ago. She told me this like she was proud and other parents were surprised. Clarence was literally the only black child who lived near our neighborhood. And when I saw him at my brother's funeral he told me how good my parents were to him. I knew him as a young girl (my brother was 9 years older) and had no idea.

My dad (who also grew up in a segregated society, with a black maid, and prejudiced against most people) seemed truly touched to have gotten to know an amiable black man at a bar years ago. I don't think he had ever gotten to know a black person on a personal level and it surprised him. I think they even talked about deep topics like how it was for this man to be black.

My mother used to invite a homeless ex-neighbor over for Thanksgiving periodically. He lived out of his car. She even invited him to take a shower whenever he came to visit.

My dad told me once "I think you're just great."

My mother sat with me in the shade as I suffered from heat stroke at a track meet in 8th grade.

Unrelated thought

A quotation from Michael: "Being woken up by an alarm can make 9 hours of sleep feel like 6."

Is it a bomb?

The new stainless steel thermos and the offending hippie pouch.

The pouch is used for milk or lunch money.

When I brought these new thermoses home - under the guise of saving money - we are spending $7.50 per week on milk money - Michael said, "Mom, what are you trying to do to me?"

When I explained about saving money etc. I could see he wasn't buying it and tried, "Just tell them it's coffee. They think you're cool." Or "Tell them it's your crazy old mom."

I also tried the environmental angle - using a re-usable container etc.

"What I need is a water bottle," he explained. "Cause I just drink one little carton of milk each day."

"Well you have one." And I showed Michael how the thermos worked. "You can fill it up and bring it to class."

"I can't bring that around. They'll think it's a bomb," he said.

Between this new cannister and the 'hippie pouch' - pictured above, Michael thinks my mission in life is to embarrass him.

But you know what, when they came home from school (Matthew has one too), there wasn't much discussion. In fact, Matt said some of the kids thought it was cool. We may be starting a trend here. They are available at Benny's and Stop and Shop in case you want in.

Between you and me, these thermoses are not as great as I originally thought. For one they leak a little. And for two, they are too big for their lunch bags. But I don't think I can admit that - they were $10 each and I am determined to get my money's worth.

Things my mother told me

-"Never let a man up in your bedroom."

-"Don't pull at a loose thread."

-"Watch the scissor tips when you cut, so you'll cut straight."

-"What's the big deal about bagels, they're just bread."

-"I don't like Chinese food."

-"So take your shirt off - you don't have any boobs yet (when I complained of the Maryland heat as a fledgling adolescent)."

-"Wow, you're easy (when we picked out my prom dress in about 5 minutes)."

-"You kind of hit the inside of the tennis ball (to serve it up the middle)."

-"Why did you have a comb in your pocket?" (after I almost died in a sledding accident)

-"You were as good a player as Suzette Guffey. Bob Pass said so." (Suzette went onto a college tennis scholarship at UVA and dated the quarterback. She was beautiful and tall and slim. A gorgeous Steffi Graf).

-"I knew you could get down." (after I screamed for what seemed like an hour in a neighbor's willow tree - in need of some attention)

-"Men get re-married because they want someone to cook and clean for them." (when a friend's widowed father announced his pending nuptials)

Things other people said

- "Sometimes an apple is just an apple." (uttered by her co-workers when a friend was probably overanalyzing a situation)

-"Guess someone got killed here too." (as we waited at a LONG traffic light at URI. This was after explaining to Daniel that a woman had been killed at a light in Wakefield - hence it's extra long crossing times)

-"These college students are such a pain . . . "(Daniel said this at the same traffic light).

-"Mom I'm just a kid." (When I was sorting thru all the crap in his room wondering where it all came from).

Hurricane Patsy

Hurricane Earl may have fizzled out but

Hurricane Patsy sure blew into town.

She's almost 80 and my mother's visit made me realize she knows what she wants. She wants ESPN 2. She wants a more comfortable bed - if you look closely you can see the piece of foam that we borrowed sticking out from under the sheets. She wants corn. She wants lobster and swordfish. You get the idea. She wants what she wants and a lot of things are not good enough.

Overall we had a pleasant visit but overall I think it is more relaxing to visit her on her turf where she has everything she wants the way she wants.

One thing I noticed about her and it's probably true of most older people - they continue with their lifetime habits. In her case, she likes to eat healthy (at least most of the time). Now it had me wondering if I was theoretically closer to death, wouldn't I just eat/do whatever I wanted? Or is it simply too hard to undo a lifetime habit? Think about it - old age could really be a return to adolescent abandon. Could be just as fun with a few more aches and pains.

After waiting out a lightening storm one work day, I proceeded to survey the neighborhood in need of a new water system. At one house, I encountered a live-body - he turned out to the owner's plumber. In the course of chit-chat about the dramatic lightning storm (which I could see flashing right outside my car window), he explained to me he doesn't care. He has a sailboat with an aluminum mast and goes out in all kinds of weather - lightning or not. "When it's your time, it's your time."

It has been my habit not to risk my life in lightening storms and I don't know if that will change when I'm 80. So I guess I can understand my mother limiting her food intake or at least her intake of unhealthy items.

Unrelated thoughts

• As I worried about Daniel getting dropped off by a friend's mom and as I worried about Michael getting back on time to babysit (I called him several times at the library) - There was a possibility I hadn't considered. In my worry that Michael would be late, Michael would forget, or there would be some other complication - the possibility I hadn't considered was that I WOULD LOCK HIM/THEM OUT! And the secret key under the back deck had not been returned to its proper place. Meanwhile I was 1.5 hours away and instructed the boys to try to get in a window. Creatively, they pried off the screen with a spatula.
• It took me the longest time to realize that baby carrots are, well, not baby carrots at all but carrots shot through some kind of lathe device that cuts them down to sizes and shapes consumers like.
• While shopping at our local boutique market (it's more expensive but alot more pleasant), I realized there is a down side. "Paper or plastic?" "Do you want your meat in plastic?" "Do you want your milk in the bag or separate?" There were a few more questions I can't remember and I know the help was trying to be nice but what the fuck? Excuse me. But I don't need/want all these choices and thinking while I am paying for my groceries.
• Latest Daniel quotes: "Maine should be a one horse town." This came out of nowhere while driving through rural Maine. "I don't want to be in the major leagues." This was uttered after soccer practice where unbeknownst to us he was playing with the under 10 team when he isn't even 7 yet. Whoops! Who typed in the wrong year for his birth on the damn electronic sign up?

Money continued: Worth more dead than alive

Just as I was thinking about money, my social security statement arrived in the mail. I also received a $3.92 rebate from Staples. A friend of mine said, "I hate those things" referring to social security. But I, on the other hand, love them. I find them very comforting.

Here's a breakdown of my estimated benefits:

-If I retire at 67, I'll have $1,430 per month.
-If I retire at 70, I'll have $1,807 per month.
-If I stop working at 62, I'll get $956 per month.
-If I am disabled, I'll get $1,269 per month.

But here's the best part. I am literally worth more dead than alive to my family - in the monetary sense only:)

-If I die this year, my child will receive $1,007 per month.
-If I die this year, my spouse caring for my child will receive $1,007 per month.
-If I die this year, my spouse will receive $1,343 until retirement age (about 20 years!)
-If I die this year, my total family benefits cannot be more than $2,467 per month

That last figure is not TOO short of my take home pay now. So, minus my expenses (eating, eating out, drinking, minimal annual clothing purchases), I am almost worth more dead than alive.

What this cheerful flyer also made me realize, is if I want to have approximately the same income I have now when I retire (assuming Social Security exists), I only need an additional income of about $1,200 per month. Assuming I start saving in my 401K and assuming I might inherit a smidgeon of resources and assuming I wisely choose an investment property or other investments with my resources - this figure is doable. I will be able to retire!

However, I will not have enough for nursing home coverage. Perhaps this is good news as well.

Money

I went from a feeling of sedate security to outright money panic in less than 24 hours. How did it happen? Well, I heard the news that my father (retired attorney) and my mother finally put together a will/trust. This was such good news! and I thanked God outright that they finally paid the money to protect their money and designate what they want done with it - if there is any left. Other pluses, there will not be a legal mess to deal with when they die and who knows? perhaps I will inherit a little security.

Though I have very little detail about their will, this secure feeling was nice and necessary as I have literally $450.00 in my 401K. I've cashed out various 401ks over the years as employment has changed for - bills, trips, a car, finishing the basement etc. So you see the thought of inheriting even a small amount of money brought me comfort - as I have nothing.

This peaceful, easy feeling however quickly faded upon having financial discussions with my father-in-law, among others. When talking to him, I quickly realized that my parents have enough income to support likely one of them in a nursing home. This realization quickly made me realize that I have NO income to support myself in my old age - not to mention nursing home coverage. Good God, if I make it to nursing home age - I will need $150K per year to live in nursing comfort. I don't even think social security will exist for me in 23 years but if it does and I am still living here - it will not even cover my taxes by then.

Good news a few days later I returned to my relatively normal peaceful state by simply not thinking about money at all.

Now I realize this money panic thinking is not productive. But I also realize that prudent planning is necessary. Even if I start saving now, I may have say $100K by the time I retire. What will that get me?

It's important to realize that people with oodles of money do have money problems and worries. Just look at the owners of the Dodgers who are divorcing . . .It would also be great to find out for oneself that oodles of money doesn't make you happy.

How to strike a balance? I really think the only thing one can do is to think abundant thoughts, think it will all work out, think I will have enough for my needs. Because the alternative is pretty scary. I've been there.

Unrelated thoughts

-A friend who visited Wisconsin described it this way: lots of beer, beef, and cheese

-I received far better service at Home Depot than I did at my bank. Who do you think will keep me as a customer?

-"I'll be with you shortly" doesn't make me feel particularly good.

-Seen on a beat up pick-up truck: "Reading and Spelling Tutor"

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

Most of what I've learned I've forgotten but I do know that a picture is worth a thousand words. Only except I don't have one of me in my bikini. Not only is no one home to take a picture of me in it, they took the camera. I promise I will post a picture next time - if you can stand it.

I barely can and don't know what is prompting this. Perhaps it is a mid-life crisis of sorts - I want to do something I didn't do in my youth. Although for me, that is complicated. You see I have a thick scar that literally cuts across half my belly from a sledding accident I had when I was 11. My kidney ruptured and was removed. Arthroscopic this operation was not. It looks like I was sawed open with a buck saw. As a result of that and a proclivity to chubbiness, I never wore a bikini except one summer when I was 12.

Anyway, you get the idea. So for some reason, I decided I would wear a bikini this summer. And yes I am very self-conscious about this. For one thing I am not as slim as I would like to be (who is? unless of course you have an eating disorder or are seriously ill) but the bigger concern is the whiteness.

You see this stomach has almost never seen the light of day. The contrast between my tanned body parts and the whitest stomach you have ever seen is striking.

But this is one of those get outside of your comfort zone challenges. It's kind of exhilarating in a weird way. First I wore it to a local swimming hole after asking Doug if I was too fat to wear the bikini. He said no - after years of training in answering these kind of remarks.

But I think my anxiety rubbed off on Daniel. He thought people would and were making fun of me. Maybe they were - I don't know.

The second trip to the pond was not as big a deal for me and Daniel.

A third outing to the beach was still O.K. although there were people I actually knew well and my friend starting singing 'It's an itsy bitsy teeny weenie . . .' Still I went swimming in front of the group and sat for a while in the bikini on the beach - very conscious all the while of the white belly rolls normally covered up by a one piece. Shortly thereafter, I slipped on my shirt.

And although I am working to be less competitive - I did notice people on the beach who were wearing bikinis and fatter than me. I admired their nonchalance.

A few days later while out driving with the family, Doug began talking about possibly getting a shotgun and Michael joked about this being his mid-life crisis. I wear a bikini/Doug gets a shot gun. But Doug explained to Michael that men in the midst of such a crisis get little red sports cars - not shotguns for deer/turkey hunting. Hmm.

Unrelated thoughts

• Someone said this to me at a conference - "Even a blind squirrel sometimes finds the nut," only I had no idea what he was referring to. Me?
• Daniel said, "Who put the A/C on?" one morning (this was a while ago) when we woke up to unseasonably cool air. I explained we don't have A/C.
• After a recent doctor's visit, I pondered that it would be nice to have some of my doctors as friends, although I realize this is next to impossible.
• Keep your car locked or you may be the victim of a zucchini drop - whereby a rogue gardener leaves a bag of zucchini in your car.
• I recently donated eight pounds of cucumbers and peppers to the local food pantry. This felt good.
• My latest quote of wisdom to da boyz "I don't know everything about everything." In fact as I stated in the beginning of this article - most of what I've learned I've forgotten.
• Doug is tired of doing things that don't benefit him directly and for which he is unappreciated. Sounds a lot like a housework, work, or life in general - although I did sympathize.
  

What makes a good spouse? and other thoughts from France

Daniel with our tour guide Neil. Daniel sat shotgun most days and talked Neil's ear off.

Examples: "Do you golf?" "Have you ever seen 'Man vs. Wild'?" "Do you know any words in Turkish?" On and on.

A scene along the route of the Tour de France in Varzy.

If you are wondering if this picture goes along with the headline - you have good reason. What does a chicken have to do with being a good spouse? A sense of humor in this case.

My niece had a book while we were on vacation entitled something like "Should I Get Married To Him." This of course prompted my nosy nature and questions like "Does he pass the checklist." He did and does and marriage sounds imminent.

More travel is in our future to weddings of cousins and nieces across the globe.

And of course I put in my two-cents about marriage. Though as I explained I don't hold myself up as any kind of model, my thoughts are as follows:

• Having the same values is pretty key.
• Sharing a sense of humor and being able to laugh with your spouse is important.
• Do you want children? (Assuming you are still of childbearing age)
• There has to be a little spark. When you see him/her across the room at a crowded party - do you feel it?
• I also told her you'll know and you already know.

Wisdom for the ages - I know. Now I don't know about you, but I didn't read a book or complete a checklist to get married. I just did. But now I realize that my spouse and I, we do share all of the qualities above, as well as common interest. Though I do have limited interest in rocks - his hobby. And yes you can fall more in love with someone as time passes.

Unrelated thoughts on our trip to Paris

• I was relating a story about cousin Seth's friend walking around the grounds of the Louvre (very nice) because he had no money whilst in Paris for admission fees. Daniel asked, "Why couldn't he just go to the bank?" You see abundance is limitless for him still. As the Church Lady used to say "Isn't that special?"
• Our flight to Paris was delayed for three hours because they didn't have a pilot - good reason. As you know, air travel these days SUCKS and it was never that great to begin with.

More Lessons

• Don't eat frozen veggies when fresh are in season
• Eat fresh food - no more meat in styrofoam. Eat more fish/salad.
• Eat good cheese - not Monteray Jack for example. Although Matt told me today he didn't eat any of the cheese on the trip.
• Enjoy life more. Slow Down. To the French, "Time is more important than money." They got that right - as well as art, wine, food and fashion.
• Set the table
• Get chickens.
• Don't each too much - though we ate alot, we didn't gain weight. The portions are smaller.
• Less stuff/less clutter - though I've known this for a long time.

No LEG to Stand On

My sprained ankle (not broken) has slowed me right down.

You really can find a bright side in almost any situation. Now this ankle injury sucked outright and as I was literally falling on the pavement I had a couple thoughts:

1) Fuck

2) What the fuck was that

3) Shit

What it was was a small, golf-ball sized rock in the road that I did not see. Jogging can do that to you. My other two severely sprained ankles from 20 years ago came as a result of jogging. As I was jogging down the home stretch (after sitting all day I decided I wanted to get out and sweat), I was day dreaming thoughts about how jogging cannot be anonymous - everyone sees you. And then WHAM.

As a self-conscious person, I immediately looked around to see if anyone had seen my clumsy fall. And yes down the straightaway a car was coming and slowing down to see if I was O.K. No I was not O.K. but when the woman initially asked if I needed a ride I demurred and said something like "That's O.K., I live close by."

I actually think I was in a mild form of shock and due to my self-conscious nature I felt compelled to explain to this stranger about the rock in the road. I also quickly came to my senses and hopped over to her passenger door.

She drove me home and said "You never could have made this" and she was probably right but she doesn't know about the shortcut through Mr. Stedman's house and I didn't mention it.

Immediately upon entering the house, I went upstairs to get a couple of Advil and then downstairs to begin icing the ankle.

The next day, at Doug's prompting, I went to the doctor. He insisted I get an x-ray. So yes it was a very bad sprain but that's all.

And the sprain has cancelled my dog walks and any form of exercise. It has made me ask for more help from the three boys. It has evoked some nice sympathy from people. But mostly it has made me slow down. I am always rushing to fit things in that I deem important. I am always doing. The ankle mellowed me a little and made me literally put my feet up (with ice) and watch the news.

Unrelated thoughts

• It's started. I was officially ignored by my 5th grader at a school function. It's not cool to wave at Mom at Field Day or let her give you a hug at graduation. And yes it kind of hurt my feelings.
• Love is an emotion very close to hate at times.
• While sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting for my x-ray results, I browsed the U.S. News and World Report magazine. There was only one problem. The article I wanted to browse had been ripped out - "Most promising careers for the new economy." A true sign of the times. If and when I need a new job, I wanted to know what was hot.
• Did I tell you how the squirrel or unidentified varmint went down Doug's newly planted corn row and removed each carefully placed seed? Now Doug has installed some elaborate chicken wire contraption over the row and I am wondering if that same wire will strangle the full grown corn stalks or will he remove it by then?

Words of Wisdom

Daniel and Mom in a new dress.


It's never too early to set goals. In fact, in a flurry of cleaning I found two index cards with Matthew's goals listed. Now I can't remember all of them nor do I want to reveal his secrets but he had two tiers of goals - immediate and future. The more immediate goals included a new green mountain bike, a better than minimum wage job, and a girl friend. The farther reaching goals also included a girl friend, a nice house, a good career, children. You get the idea.

When I came across these cards I realized that we had something special on our hands. Very special. Who writes goals when they are 11? He does and I am certain he will achieve what he desires.



Daniel recounted the best days of his life:

• Being born


• Getting to know what a dog was, because when I was a baby I didn't really know.


• My first day with a friend

Michael's secrets for living

• Smile at jokes even if you do not think they are funny


• Get 9 hours of sleep.

(That's it - very simple)



Daniel's technique for knowing when he needs to bathe


"I put my fingers in my armpits and smell them."

This side of paradise

After five days in Bermuda, with the bluest water you've ever seen, flowering shrubs everywhere, and truly white/pink powdery sand - Rhode Island indeed looks kind of drab. Now I've always thought Rhode Island was a pretty place, but it is indeed all relative. Rhode Island is more of a palette of green. Oh and did I mention Bermuda has topography with sweeping views of the sea. I said to my Aunt who grew up in Bermuda, I don't know how you can even swim in our ocean or step on our sand, if you grew up with this. She never gets tired of the beauty, she said. She always appreciates it. The trip made me want to get some more flowering plants in our yard. It also had me wondering - what are we doing living here?

I fell in love with a man from Bermuda once and going back I think at least half of that love was the magic of the place. The beauty is extreme. That and also it's like a second home for me - my mother is Bermudian. It feels like going home.

Some things noticed while away

• The babysitter couldn't believe the volume of eating posted by the three boys. Get a piece of banana bread while it's hot or you won't get any.
  
• I couldn't believe one of my son's constant talking upon return, still can't.
  
• I felt impatient and uptight compared to the Bermudians I met. Living in a beautiful, laid back place certainly has impacted their personalities in the best way. And they are very friendly to visitors.
  
• Doug and I were both kinder and more loving while away with just the two of us and no interruptions. He helped me with my bag, asked me if I wanted a muffin, there was the occasional touch on the knee . . .you get the idea.

Unrelated thoughts

• Daniel took out a video of Roots from the library. Now this mini-series has certain sentimental value for me because it was all over the television when I was 11 years old. I just happened to be in the hospital for quite a length of that run and was absolutely captivated by the characters and story. Viewing it today, it all looked a little, I'm sorry, cheesy. The fake accents and acting just seemed way overdone.
  
• I am taking lessons from a friend with a blog who wrote about gardening and said 'a little each day.' I am taking the same approach - otherwise gardens and life can be a little overwhelming. A little each day - so weeding or whatever isn't drudgery.
  
• I am still debating about what is the right approach with children - drive/push them to excel or let them find their own motivation. I suppose it is my self-perceived lack of achievement that wants more for them. In terms of athletics, you may be very, very good at a sport but that doesn't last too long. There are countless stories of excellent high school athletes whose 'careers' end with graduation.
  
• Michael ran the 400 meters in something like 67 seconds at a track meet. While waiting for the track bus to arrive at the school, I ran the 400 in 2 minutes and 20 seconds. Don't think I ever could have run as fast as him even in my prime . . .
  
• The 'Boy who runs in chinos' has remembered his track uniform most days but did run in heavy blue jeans at a practice once or twice. I told him about swimmers who double up their suits in practice so they can feel sleek and fast in the meets with one suit.

• Good god, speaking of swimming. An 80+ year old friend wrote a book about swimming which I enjoyed very much. I enjoyed the tips for my lap swimming and the anecdotes about his life. The good god part is this - did you know that swim teams in the early years of swimming practiced in the nude? He said this in his book. Hence, the men and women's teams did not practice together. I must ask him about it when I see him. "I enjoyed your book very much. Did you really swim in the nude?" This was at Brown no less.

My Family - a portrait in textiles by Daniel

Above: Toto. Below: The rest of the family

Well what to you think of this family portrait? I have a couple of observations. First Danny and Matt look approximately the same even though they are almost 5 years apart. I think Daniel must see himself this way - on par with his older brother - which explains how advanced he is at such a young age. Likewise for Michael and Dad, who look approximately alike but are almost 35 years apart - although Michael has 2 more strands of hair. It is interesting to note that both Michael and Doug have blond hair. Doug has never had blond hair - in fact his hair is mostly gray or non-existent at this point. I think some of my observations are a reflection on the variety of materials available i.e. there was no gray yarn. OR, gasp, no one else in kindergarten has a parent with gray hair.

I have the most hair with three full strands of black hair and Daniel has clothed me in fashionable khakis with a nice floral shirt. Yes, I would wear something like this.

I also like how I am the most prominent person in the photo - rising or hovering slightly above the masses.

While Dad and I are smiling, the boys have very flat expressions. Perhaps that's a reflection on their recent lists of chores . . .or their boredom, I am not sure.

The biggest omission in the portrait is Toto - and he is Daniel's most favorite thing in the whole world, so I have included a recent photo above.

Unrelated thoughts

• We received a direct deposit in the amount of $158.13 from FEMA for our flooded basement. What this is for, I am not sure. Possibilities: My 2-3 hours of time dealing with FEMA, gasoline for the water pump, cleanup supplies at Home Depot, disposal costs at the local dump. Frankly, I was grateful to receive anything but when I heard a friend's elderly, low income parents only received $1,000 for a completely flooded basement including a destroyed burner and washer/dryer, I was a little disheartened.

• FEMA also told me they recognize what a difficult time this was for me and my family.

Well I really set out to write a humorous essay about my experience with FEMA but the whole experience has me pondering the inefficiencies of our government.

Yes, our basement was flooded like many other people on March 31 and for the next two weeks! At the prompting of a friend who said, "My friend in Biscuit City already got her check from FEMA," I stopped by the FEMA tent at the Wakefield Mall. The recognizance team will be there until May 28. There are police, multiple personnel, an RV. It's a federal response to a natural disaster and it takes time.

To make a long story short, in the course of registering (0n the phone bank) and visiting the various stations I must have recited my address five different times. I guess I shouldn't expect much more from a government bureaucracy. Similarly, to qualify for FEMA money, you also have to apply for a SBA loan. Now I don't want a loan like most people - I want free money. But they suggested I keep my options open. How can anyone argue with that? But I digress, the point I want to make about inefficiency being that the federal government in its wisdom sends out one inspector for FEMA and another for the SBA. It is no wonder our country careens deeper and deeper into debt.

The mitigation specialist seemed like a very nice man but probably insane with Alzheimer’s. It was at this stage the receptionist removed my all important checklist and this caused mitigation great angst. He couldn't understand the simple words "She took it" or "I took it" and kept looking because he thought he misplaced it.

As I pondered government efficiency, lo and behold the inspector called me to set up an appointment that same day. And my check is in the mail - NOT!

I did get some packet from FEMA a few days after the inspection that seemed to suggest I apply for a loan - I think. It wasn't exactly a form letter and I'm not sure where it ended up.

BUT, I do know that we need to re-finish that basement because now the boys are all watching T.V. in the living room, leaving their dirty dishes all over that room (and socks), and generally upsetting any relaxing T.V. watching I used to do on occasion in the evenings.

And a happy mother is the key to a happy family - don't ya think?

What I learned on my vacation

• On my vacation with the three boys and one husband, I realized almost immediately that 'vacation' is a very loose term - especially when you travel with kids.

• From day one I also realized that the volume of food the three boys eat in a day is extraordinary. And much more than I realized.

• It's not work per se that is stressing me out - it's more the combination of children and work.

It all had me thinking about what is the ideal family vacation? I actually think we already know/have this down (exotic locales aside). It's a couple of weeks at the beach where the boys know and have friends to play with. In other words the ideal family vacation involves kid occupation and adult relaxation. There's gotta be something for the kids to do sans adults and vice versa. Sweet Matunuck is coming this August for two whole weeks though Michael did say the trip to Florida was awesome. I have had awesomer. He also said Matunuck is his favorite thing in the whole world. I guess he wins either way.

Though someone suggested a resort vacation with kid activities may be the ideal vacation, I am not big on the artificial, contained environment.

Yes I have had awesomer vacations sans kids. Sorry guys, it's just the way it is - the energy, the noise level, the responsibility for meals. I can actually be more relaxed at home drinking a beer (or two) on the front porch in the dappled sunshine - as the boys play in the yard. Their muted voices blend with the song birds and vice versa.

Misery loves company

Yes, our finished basement was flooded and it still has water in it. A bummer I know but I was listening to something the other day that said even in times of trouble we can find things to be grateful for. So here are my lessons from the flood.

• Life is unpredictable to be sure and we absolutely have no control. It's good to be reminded of this every once in a while so you don't take yourself or your tasks too seriously. Enjoy the moment like the sunshine warming your back as you load up another trailer with construction debris.

• I am grateful only our basement was destroyed and not our whole house - like some people.

• We had to move our keyboard upstairs due to the water and this has certain benefits. The boys practice more and with all the chaos now upstairs - my piano teacher suggested that my concentration will improve.

• We have gotten rid of a lot of stuff and that is a great thing.

• Though my brain cells don't always fire like they used to - I can follow complicated instructions like starting a gasoline powered pump. Instructions include turning it on, adjusting the choke, and priming the pump.

• The boys made $8.75 in about 30 minutes sitting down at the corner with our junk. After that they put up the free sign and all but a table went. Turns out Doug needs this table after all.

• The Xmas decorations won't smell moldy this year as they are upstairs in my closet now.

• We got six years out of our finished basement. When Doug called a friend to borrow his trailer he said, "I am unfinishing the basement."

• I got rid of a lot of stuff (this is the biggest benefit!) and this has me very intent on some decorating/making the house look nice. I have already rearranged the boys' rooms and want to re-do all the rooms with the help of a friend who has a very good eye and nice style.

• Matthew did his laundry because his clean clothes weren't coming fast enough as we were pre-occupied with the flood.

• We have been talking/commiserating with the neighbors. Misery loves company and I believe this flood has brought us closer together.

• In fact, it probably has brought the family closer together because we only have one primary room to congregate in.

• The boys are all helping Dad with the work in the basement and seem relatively cheerful about it.

• This flood has been something to open up a myriad of conversations with people. The only thing is when people say their basement was O.K., you want to secretly ring their neck.

• Doug now knows what it's like to get up in the middle of the night and pump:)

What about hapiness?

I was reminded this week as I did some more recording in the local recording studio about my attempts to get my driver's license. Recording can be like that. While you must be relaxed and in the zone, you are trying so hard not to make a mistake and such a mistake can come on the very last note of the song. I remember thinking I had past my driver's test, I think I was even waving to my sister who watched on the sidelines, only to be told later I had gone through the last stop sign. You see I was so excited that I had successfully negotiated the parallel parking and the three point turn - all in a big boat of a station wagon, that I lost sight of the finish line. My joy stole my concentration. Yes recording is like that. You have to get all the way to the end, with no mistakes - all while trying to stay relaxed and not think to much.

Concentration is still so important on today's road with today's cell phone drivers. It's also important to stay calm when late and not speed. As I sped up Route 1, late for my volunteer assignment in Daniel's kindergarten class, I slowed down too late after I saw the police cruiser on the side of the road. Yikes! I was going 70 mph in a 50 zone. Can you say big bucks? Not to mention the fact that I would now be very late. As I compiled my registration, insurance, license - I conceded defeat and waited. Suddenly I heard a knock on my window, and lowered it. "Galen McGovern, hi!"

I was stunned and had no idea what was going on. The policeman must have observed my confusion. "My son Harris is in Daniel's class." Oh. I didn't even know this man's name though I had met him once. He kept talking and explained he hadn't entered anything into the system about the incident. The upshot of the whole conversation was I didn't get the ticket even though I was 20 mph over the limit. We will have Harris over to play soon. Needless to say, I felt a little lucky that day and proceeded to the school - not really late afterall. The students thought it was a pretty cool story. "Did you really get pulled over?" Yes, but no ticket.

Unrelated thoughts

• Michael went to a Bar Mitzvah and I mistakenly bought (but caught later) a Bat Mitzvah card. At the time, there were simply no alternative cards and the fact that it was pink and sparkly apparently didn't register.
• Sanitary pads remind Doug of the old Shredded Wheat biscuits. Do they still have those?
• Michael forgot his shorts (again) and managed to run the timed mile in something like 6 min. 15 seconds in his heavy jeans.
• Poor Daniel had a day, a full day, of puking/fever on Saturday and said "This was the worst day of my life."
• When Doug turned in his resignation for a job he's 'hated' for 10 years - 99% of co-workers could only assume he was leaving for more money. "What about hapiness?" I asked.
• I ran into a friend in the graveyard with her dog and in the course of conversation she told me about a woman who she had a conflict with - the only person she's ever had a conflict with outside of her family. Well, though I tend to shy away from conflict this made me feel like I have a serious anger management problem. One conflict, ever?!

Fried to a crisp

When I ran into an Asian friend of ours at the pool, she had her daughter practicing her swimming. When I tried such things with my own son, he refused. So I let him have fun in the pool as we intended. We have also heard tales of this same friend's son practicing tennis with his ball machine, doing his Chinese homework, practicing his piano for an hour - you name it - all before he is allowed leisure time.

It all got me thinking about about the cultural differences - do these children listen to their parents more effectively or do the parents more effectively wield their power, or both? The girl at least seemed to willingly and happily practice her swimming. The boy however does seem to resist parental authority regularly, as well as other authority.

I can think of non-Asian examples of super achievers. I have relatives who are very competitive. As a result of that atmosphere, their children will very likely get athletic scholarships to college. I always wonder if the children would choose this path or is it just that parents have so much influence and children want to please those parents?

I also notice friends of ours whose incomes have increased by leaps and bounds while ours have stayed relatively flat.

But Doug explains my envy away and says these high earners are "fried to a crisp."

Speaking of high earners, my son interviewed my father-in-law for a school project about jobs. He excelled as a student and in the business world and told Michael he has no regrets . . .hard for me to imagine, but isn't that something? No regrets. He did the best he possibly could.

I guess with all these examples I feel remiss (competitive me) that the kids won't reach their potential or I won't/haven't reached mine and never will. Is pushing, focusing, and practicing the answer or will the result be - fried to a crisp?

I guess I wish I'd really focused on something when I was young - tennis, academics, music - but I didn't. I don't want them to have the same regrets.

Perhaps that's what those parents/earners are doing - going for it or having their kids go for it. Is it worth it? I always think balance is important and that's why playing outside was important to me even if I had a big test the next day - I consciously remember thinking an A-/B+ was worth not killing myself for an A+..

Coincidentally? while writing this, I ran into my Asian friend, again at the pool, while waiting for my son's swim lesson. So I asked her about the cultural differences. She suggested bribing the children :] or simply suggesting a bright future. They will choose this she assured me - the bright future. She acknowledged that Asians push their kids more and she has noticed that Americans seem to regret not sticking with things. Ah ha. Still I didn't get any real clear insights into the Asian philosophy and the language barrier didn't help. But Doug says the Chinese won't give away their secrets. . .

Spring thoughts

• "I just love the fresh air" Daniel said when getting out of the car on a breezy day - only he said it much more eloquently than that.
• Matt wore shorts to school before it was remotely warm by sneaking them under his sweatpants

Sleeping for science

Matt's interest in a summer sleep study was peaked with the promise of compensation. While visions of cell phones and God knows what else danced in his head, Doug and I wondered how much they could possibly be talking about to make it worth it. But we already decided it would have to be thousands for the inconvenience.

The research lab tries to make the experience sound fun - like summer camp, only indoors in a hospital setting. It sounds arduous to me. First you have to get on a sleep schedule at home - in bed at 10 p.m. and out by 8 a.m. for two weeks. O.K. that's not so bad but Doug and I don't want to stay up until 10 a.m. with him to make sure he calls in etc. Other required items - sleep diary, phoning lab before bed and upon waking, and wearing a wrist monitor. And half way through the at home portion there is a required lab visit. Also required are two consecutive overnight visits. With orientation, that's four round trips to Providence, but who's counting. Finally participants will live at the lab for seven days and nights.

Matt was reading the materials carefully and asked me what "scalp" meant. That's one of the places where they attach sensors and wires, in addition to the face, shoulder, and side. Still it doesn't sound so bad - meals, arts and crafts, fames, movies, naps, simple performance tests - all in a camp-like environment.

EXCEPT: Visitors are not allowed during the 7 day stay. Cards and letters are O.K. Now with today's postal service you would have to begin mailing any cards and letters a week in advance.
There was no mention of email or phone calls . . . Also, participants must stay indoors during the most beautiful time of the year. Finally, and this is the big one, after the first night, subjects will be on an altered sleep-wake schedule.

This casually mentioned item sounds tortuous to me (remember infant feedings?) and I don't think 9-11 or 15-16 year olds would like it either.

Unrelated thoughts

• I heard someone on the radio speaking about Salve Regina University - pronouncing "gina" like the tail ending of "vagina" - very strange.
• Leading a bus tour long ago in Bermuda - I spoke of a department store called Trimingham's and remarked "It's ubiquitous, like McDonalds." Then I heard someone from the back of the bus ask "Do they sell hamburgers?" Well Trimingham's is no more but that always makes me smile.
• One of my sons said emphatically after seeing the commercial, "We are definitely seeing Alice In Wonderland."
• One of my sons said emphatically "I want that!" while perusing a magazine. When I asked, "What is it?" he said "I don't know but I want it!" When I explained they were items for golf, including some electronic device - he explained he likes golf and wants to play . . . the wonders of advertising.
• One rainy day, Daniel said more eloquently than I can remember "I like getting under my covers and hearing the rain. It's like music that puts you to sleep."

Catchy phrases and tunes

Tia Louisa . . . .on her last legs.

Michael has what he calls catch phrases and he gets upset if his brothers use one. These are phrases like 'Touché,' 'Jiffy Mix,' and 'Ho, Ho, Ho Green Giant (sung).' They are usually said as a punch line in a non-sensical way. Silly, sure. But he's still only 12. He also has his own running top 40 songs that consist of songs with very few words like: 'The Banjo Blues' repeated over and over again. You get the idea. I can't remember any of the other songs but he told me just now that one is called 'Stone crab.'

It got me thinking about my own catch phrases and catchy tunes. With the kids I say things like "Find something to do" when they are loitering like flies or "Je ne sais pas" when I've had one too many questions. Inspiring - no, memorable - perhaps. I don't seem to have cliché phrases I use but there's still time.

But songs, oh yes, I have songs. Theme songs for each dog, including Sassy who is deceased. It's kind of a French folk song - 'You're my little Sassy Lu, little girl, little lu, ohhhhhhhhhh.' Tia's song is more of an opera theme with soaring vocals - 'Tia Louisa, ba, ba, ba, bum . . .' Toto doesn't have a song yet but he will and Tia's song may fade as she is being 'put down' this evening.

The boys all have songs as well and I make them up as I go to the same recurring tune. 'Michael Gordon. What are you eating? That's for dinner. Michael Gordon.' I find it very funny but mostly they just roll their eyes.

I don't know that I can translate the tunes to writing but they very well may be snippets from others songs but not something very obvious where I could say "It's to Jingle Bells."

And of course I created baby songs like 'Sweet Potato' and 'You're my sweet little baby child.'
So perhaps Michael is just doing what comes naturally. It runs in the family.

The mother of invention

Daniel with his invention.

The 2-person snowboard.

As you all know, the Olympics are in full force. With that theme running rampant, Daniel has invented the new 2-person snowboard. He is so excited and wants me to send it to the Olympic committee for consideration. I actually think he might be onto something here but he may have a few design details to work on as the model is constructed with Legos.

Unrelated thoughts

• If women with big boobs work at Hooters, where do people with one leg work? IHOP (overheard on a sitcom)
• Ever notice how many old men drive around delivering car parts?
• Speaking of old men, they will be out in their little, old, tucked-away for the winter convertibles soon.
• A colleague uttered some expressions I had never heard of before: 'Off like a prom dress' and 'Smooth as toast'. O.K. I get the toast one, it's sarcastic as toast is not smooth but naive me is wondering about the dress. Does this expression mean things go v. quickly or v. slowly?
• When Daniel found a stray toy sheep under the couch, he said, "Hey look it's the sheep from my Jesus kit" - meaning the creche etc. His expression reminded me somehow of the G.I. Joe kits boys used to have when I was little.
• Tiger's apology was SO pathetic, robotic . . .fall from grace ain't pretty.

Random thoughts of greatness

This guy doesn't look like he could hurt a fly - right?!

Toto looking particularly cute after a haircut/wash and probably blow dry.

• When discussing heated car seats with Michael, he explained they are pretty neat only his butt doesn't get cold.
• My mother sent me a check for $22.70 - for the gas I put in her car during a visit a month ago. How she knows/remembers the amount is bewildering to me, as I paid in cash and she can't turn her neck very well.
• As my watch reflected on the ceiling the other day, I was reminded of school days and watch reflections on the teacher's back and blackboard etc. Kids could drive the teacher's crazy with this simple act of mischief, but not me - I was a pretty straight arrow.
• Michael woke up almost a whole hour early one day this week and when I heard the shower going, I too got up. Of course with no clock in the bedroom, I figured it must be time to get up. No. When Michael realized his mistake, he went back to bed for a good half hour. This was after showering and getting dressed. That is a TALENT I do not possess.

Dog Whisperer

The boys, at least a couple of them, actually thought that Cesar Milan aka. The Dog Whisperer was coming to our house. It was not that dog whisperer but rather the dog trainer from obedience class. Why? Toto the dog grabbed the cleaning woman's shirt tail in a growling, menacing way. She said she didn't do anything and she probably didn't. She was simply dusting.

Prior to that, Toto growled at and clamped onto the arm of one of Michael's friends who luckily had his coat on. Kudos to the friend who remained very calm and simply said, "He just bit me."

Both of these incidents happened near the front door.

In an effort to socialize Toto, I took him to the bus top. As the kids flooded off the bus, he cowered as a girl began to smother him with petting. My mistake. I should have read the signs. He snapped, attempted to bite the girl, as I snapped him back with the choke collar and smacked him on the underside of his mouth. Mistake number 2.

The dog trainer explained a violent reaction is very bad because the dog associates this with the human also being agitated by the threat. In other words, it is O.K. for me (the dog) to react that way. The other two incidents cited above were also accompanied by violent reactions by us owners. What can I say? It's kind of a natural reaction to protect fellow humans.

The trainer recommended a management plan and work to desensitize him. She recommended treating him with food when people are around. When the trainer arrived, I had Toto sit and asked him to stay (not sure he did), while I got the door. She immediately began to ply him with cheese. He was absolutely fine with her, as you can imagine. She said we could work to desensitize him to people by standing a distance way with Toto on the leash and gradually approaching the people, while continually treating him. This can be done in places with people, like soccer games etc. I'm not sure if we are ready for that yet. . .As for management; she said to tether him to a door when people arrive and to crate him when guests are in the house. Doug wasn't all that impressed with the advice. I guess he thought the whisperer would sweep in with magic and secrets and solve the problem.

Dogs are socialized at 8-12 weeks old. We don't know what happened to little Toto but he obviously does not take to strangers well. Off leash, when he can get way, he's fine and typically doesn't get too close. Though two women have managed to pet him of late on our graveyard walks. So there is hope. He might just need more socializing. But when he feels boxed in or threatened, he will react. And I'm not sure we can change that. DID I MENTION HE WAS FINE FOR OVER 6 MONTHS AND HAD NO AGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR OF ANY KIND?? He's also fine with other dogs.

Perhaps a kiosk by the front door filled with cheese for visitors to dispense at will. Our whisperer said she brings treats with her everywhere she goes.

More thoughts on aging parents

The first night in the FROG - family room over the garage - for you non-Carolinians - I thought it was a little cold. It was not until the next day I realized at least two of the windows were open at the top - obviously inadvertently left open by someone, as the dollar bills flew out the window on winter days and nights. How long they were open I don't know. For all I know, dollar bills were flying out the air conditioned house all summer as well. Other than my first night staying in the FROG, the house was kept a little warm for my tastes, but I understand older people tend to be colder.

I didn't mention last post how I cleared out my parents' freezers, one in the kitchen proper and one in the garage. How many bags of frozen vegetables and cheese does one need? One piece of salmon in the garage freezer was dated 2006 - need I say more? I made an executive decision to chuck out all opened bags (for the most part - unless it was something really good like nuts) so a human, any human, could actually see what was in the freezers.

After I left, my Dad took a hard fall - complete with hitting his head - all for a donut crumb. Now I don't know if he found that crumb but I hope it's the last time he tries that.

During my visit to N.C., one of my mom's friends joined us for lunch one day. She was looking for common ground and asked me "Do you like the wine - like your mother?" For the most part wine give me a headache, but that doesn't stop me a lot of the time.

Unrelated thoughts

• We have had a couple nipping incidents with Toto, after 6 months in our family. I've even taken to watching the dog whisperer and even called in a dog trainer. More on our session next post. The common denominator in all incidents is that I was present . . .and Toto has felt confined. As my father-in-law said, "If he really wanted to he could do some damage." This actually gave me some hope but I don't want to find out if he can do some damage - I want to nip it.

• Daniel asked me what it took to be a big boy.

1. Potty trained - check
2. Know how to read - learning
3. Eat all vegetables - mostly

• Upon seeing my bra hanging in my room, Daniel asked what it was. "Those are my holsters," I replied, within earshot of Doug. I heard Doug shortly thereafter explaining to Daniel that it is actually called a bra . . .

Life in the SLOW lane

It was not as bad as I thought it would be - visiting my parents for four days. They are OLD and with mom's suspect driving and Dad's Parkinson's, I thought I'd better check in on them.

Mom's driving checked out O.K. She has strategies to cross roads only at lights and secret back ways through parking lots or service roads she likes to use to avoid the main, four lane drag. I can't blame her - New Bern, N.C. is not an easy place to drive.

Though when I told Doug she drove he said I was taking my life into my hands. I did drive after talking to him, but I had to see how she drove for myself. Dad thought she could drive for another year or two, but how he knows this I am not sure, as he is basically house-bound.

As his body gives way - his mind remains fairly sharp. He's practically helpless but can walk, albeit slowly, and he can still eat by himself. As I said to my Mom, "He hasn't lost his appetite." But he's going to need some serious help soon. When I went out for a walk one day, I returned to a poop emergency. He pooped in his pants going down the hall to the bathroom. My mother told him that when he feels the slightest inkling, he needs to head for the toilet. "I could sit on the toilet half the day," he explained. She thought that's what he should do then. Doug wondered about diapers and I'll have to suggest that to my mother. She gets so fed up cleaning up his poopy PJs she just chucks them out and I can't blame her. I remember throwing out quite a few pair of undies when the boys where potty training.

So my Dad needs lots of help. He is totally dependent on her - even to help him up off the couch which requires quite a bit of strength. He explained the method to me "Don't let go until I let go, because even though I am on my feet, I am not that stable."

As he turns more helpless and childlike, a transformation is taking place - he's becoming sweeter, less argumentative, at least to me. And childlike is the best parallel - he needs help w/ his shoes. His nose drips. I cut his finger and toe nails. I help him on with his shirt. But I wasn't prepared to help him get dressed after the poop incident and subsequent shower even though it was difficult for my mom. No, I wasn't ready to see his privates.

His sense of humor is still intact - I don't remember him laughing so much. He took great delight in recounting text from a humorous author who wrote - "Shut up," he explained. I can't remember the author's name. . .He was also caught red handed bent awkwardly under a table looking for his doughnut crumb - at the risk of great injury.

His appearance was a bit funny when I arrived and Dad bore an uncanny resemblance to Ben Frankin - bald on top with long locks. I gave him a hair cut with the kitchen scissors because that's all they had.

The appearance of the house was another matter. There are piles and piles of papers everywhere. It's like my mother has turned into a hoarder. I cleaned out eight huge trash bags and a mountain of cardboard but didn't go near the piles of paper. Next trip. And there are boxes in most rooms that never got unpacked from when they moved to N.C. four years ago. . .

My first day there I went to the grocery store with Mom and was surprised to see that she rides the electric cart. "It's alot faster," she explained. "Follow me." And off she roared. I have a hilarious picture of her on the cart and will try to figure out how to get it off my phone. "Anybody behind me?" as she proceeded to back up. The personnel in the store all seem to know her by name and are all very helpful and polite.

At Curves I met Penny who works there and the regulars who 'work out.' Work out is one loose term but they seem to have a real camaraderie up there. As Penny explained the machines to me, my mother began her circuit. Penny's instructions included things like "Kiss my butt" and “Vanilla ice cream, chocolate ice cream." She instructed me carefully and I think she was worried I might hurt myself. She also explained that my mother doesn't do the machines the correct way, so don't follow her - but it was all O.K.

As one of the caregivers from Seniors Staying At Home said of my mom, "She doesn't think she needs help, but she does." A sign on the oven says "Turn off when done cooking" in my Mom's handwriting. At the department store called Belk, she emerged from the ladies room with a trail of toilet paper. At Harris Tweeter (groceries), it was the paper toilet seat cover. I did find the oven on (with nothing cooking), water running, and watched her drive in the middle of the road in her development - though no cars were coming, it had me concerned.

I had a pleasant visit with long sleeps, long walks, and time catching up with my parents amidst my chores of cleanup and assistance. Life moves very slow down there . . . . forget a To Do list.

As I left my Dad asked, "Do you need any money?" and Mom asked me outside "Do you have enough money?"

I thought I could sing

To support the school play, I signed up for the adult chorus. It was clear from the moment I walked in to the first practice that I was out of my league. They handed each of us a big black book with the scores and it was apparent many of the singers could sight read i.e. read a note and literally sing it. Now I can read music but I have no experience with sight reading. This came to light when a few of the notes in one song were apparently wrong - singers were penciling in the correct notes on the staff. I didn't bother because, as I explained, I will be singing strickly by ear.

Or will I? I actually contemplated dropping out after the first practice because the songs were hard. Dam hard. One of them had something like six flats.

I feel like I can sing somewhat and carry a tune but it was hard to pick up any tune in any of the songs. I even asked the choir leader if the songs were hard and he confirmed they were. Why write a song with no tune - I ask?

On the upside, I met more than a few nice people at the practice.

A room of my own

I’ve decided I need a room of my own but where that room will be yet I don’t know. I’ve even contemplated turning our walk-in closet into an office. Or better yet converting the garage into living space. Or further still, building myself a little outbuilding. I shall have my own office/my own room in time. I need one. I feel like I have no privacy or uninterrupted time. I have resorted to hiding my gloves, neck warmer, and hats in rarely used coats in the closet lest they be worn by others. I want my own stuff and living in a family can get a little too communal sometimes. Is that too much to ask?

I have a shelf in the kitchen that says ‘Mom’s shelf: Do Not Disturb’ and for the most part that mandate is respected. But if my calculator is gone – watch out.
Yes a room of my own. Perhaps I can keep my hats and gloves in there too.

Unrelated thoughts

-With Christmas over, I was really thinking that I wanted to do something different next year like go skiing at a kid-friendly resort in Vermont. When I let this slip out, the kids seemed devastated. Hmm. Do I do what I want to do or what they want to do? I need a change and I know I will wish I was away at Christmas time next year.

-Speaking of regrets, a few days ago I was thinking that I had a lot of regrets in my life with the full realization that this is not productive thinking. How would my life have been different if I had been an English major? How would my life be different if I had gone to law school? On and on. Part of me wishes I had an established, successful career with recognition to boot. But alas I know I am meant to be here right now just as I am. Perhaps in my next life I will focus early and know exactly what I am meant to be and become it.

-I was reminded the other day whilst story telling how easy it was shopping for my prom dress compared to my two sisters. My mother looked at me stunned after we picked out a dress in what seemed like five minutes and said something like “Wow, that was easy.” My wedding dress was the same way.

-‘I am not a pork chop’ – heard echoing down the stairwell, as an irritated Daniel responded to his brother.

-There are certain guarantees in life – Doug will get a plaid shirt as a gift at Xmas time from his mother (sometimes two), Betsey will bring her spinach dip to the next pot luck, airline travel will suck . . . you get the idea.

-I just remembered that my first and only newspaper editor called me ‘Miss No Comma’ – hope that issue doesn’t bother you.