BOOK? continued

Scene V

Horoscope: To get what you want, you have to do what you fear the most.

As soon as I read it, I knew what my greatest fear was: getting into a relationship with Brad or anyone for that matter. Or more specifically, jumping into bed with him or someone else. A close second would be singing in public or dancing in public. Doing any of those things in the nude would up the ante on my fear factor. A close third would be confronting the bitchy woman at work who was trying to sabatoge my career.

For extreme fear to set in for all three, sobriety would be required. Another fear that come to mind would probably be getting my dream job and utterly failing at it. Well shit. That’s just how this day was gonna go. Face your fears because living a life based on fear was no way to live.

Upon this realization, I immediately stood up a little straighter and walked a little bolder with the determination to face my fear – which ever one it may be.

After driving and singing at the top of my lungs (even while sitting in traffic) I arrived at the office – on time no less – and who did I see immediately while walking into the building – Brad. Yikes. I wasn’t even in the door yet and there he was smiling, very handsome, and I immediately felt like I wanted to kiss him right then and there. But I didn’t even though I was supposed to conquer my fears. This was work afterall and the hallway was not the place. But God he was handsome. Very. I didn’t know what to say . . .so he said “Good Morning” in his deep baritone and then “I want to take you out tonight.” He didn’t ask. He didn’t tell. He stated what he wanted and it was so sexy. What could I say but “Yes.” That was all I could muster my mouth to say. I didn’t even know when or where or any answers to these seemingly insignificant questions. All I knew was I was floating on cloud 9. I suddenly felt underdressed and undergroomed and flabbergasted and filled with butterflies. It wasn’t going to be a productive day.

I spent most of the day, day dreaming, thinking about what I would say, wear, where we would go but all that thinking was for naught because at 5:00 p.m Brad whisked himself into my cube and said “Ready or not?” “We are going now? I hardly feel ready,” I said. “You look perfect,” he said. Not beautiful, but perfect. Not bad. I could take perfect. No one was left in the office but Terry and she popped her head up. All I could see was her coy smile. “Have fun,” she quipped.

As we were walking out, Brad held the door with one hand and I felt the other brush the small of my back – escorting me through the door.

I felt like a schoolgirl and all awareness of where I was going and walking vanished. Soon I was escorted into a cozy booth in a restaurant a block away – drinking a Cosmo (dangerous) and starring into Brad’s eyes – enthralled by his witty remarks. He seemed to be enthralled with me as well. After two Cosmos (very dangerous) and a bite to eat (helpful but not enough) and wine with dinner, we were at a crossroads. When we walked out of the restaurant and the one block back to the employee parking lot – he grabbed my hand. Oh boy. As I leaned back on my car, he leaned into me and kissed me, embracing my face with his hand. Though I was feeling a little woozy, there was no doubt I was ready to wobble on over – if I hadn’t been braced by the car and Brad’s body, now leaning into me. We were still at a crossroads. He didn’t stop kissing me and I didn’t stop kissing him. I felt natural and comfortable even though I hadn’t kissed him before or anyone for a while, for that matter. “Come home with me,” I heard him say. Not in my wildest dreams would I sleep with someone on a first date but honestly (horoscope aside) I was a feeling of lust, love, and comfort came over me. Plus I was definitely a little drunk. Well, maybe even more than a little. Perhaps he just didn’t want to see me driving home in my condition. Before I could even remember how to spell conniption, we were inside the door of his apartment – ripping each others’ clothes off. I didn’t have time to think about being scared. Animal instincts took over. When the deed was done, it was all a little bit surreal – lying there with Brad, but still comfortable. He didn’t ask me to leave and with the Cosmos etc. still circulating through my system, I didn’t think about it.

We talked a little and before I knew it I was asleep like a baby with my head nuzzled up on his chest. And before I knew it, it was 5:00 a.m. and I could feel my contacts glued to my eyes. I quickly got up, not even realizing where I was or what I was doing. As I stumbled into the bathroom – I stumbled into Brad. Oh boy. This felt more awkward that the night before and I didn’t feel close to being at my best – with bed head, morning breath, no clothes on, you name it. But he didn’t seem to mind. No. He kissed me and said good morning. Good morning. I lingered a minute and then realizing I was fully naked excused myself into the bathroom. I swished water into my mouth, splashed water on my face, but the water did little to relieve me. I found my clothes in a heap at the foot of the bed and put them on – feeling very rumpled indeed. “What’s your hurry?” he asked. “I don’t know. I guess it is Saturday,” I said a little sheepishly. “You are not going anywhere.” “Oh really, why?” “Well for one thing, you don’t have your car. And for another . . . oh here we go again. The kissing, the touching and the next thing I knew we were on the bed back where this all began. Afterwards, he offered to make me breakfast but all I really wanted was a cup of strong coffee and a shower. “Can I take a shower?” I asked.

When I got out of the shower, all my clothes were folded up in the bedroom with a clean t-shirt, blue jeans (too big), and a sweatshirt. “I put some clothes out.” Yes he did. And after all the physical intimacy, I suddenly didn’t know what to talk about. There, on the table amid the plates of scrambled eggs, toast and fruit was the paper. Dare I look?

Whether it’s a job, deal, or relationship you’re excited to get into, don’t let your eagerness show. Play it cool.

Hmmm. Too late for that. Doesn’t having sex twice on the first date indicate that you are kind of interested. Cool. Cool. Cool. Well I was kind of tired. I looked across the table and there he was smiling ear to ear. So much for cool. He sure was cute.

After breakfast, he drove me to my car and I tried to play it cool. “Thanks. I had a really good time and I’ll get these clothes back to you.” “No rush,” he said. Instead of more kissing, he leaned in and gave me a big bear hug. – the kind where you can feel the power and love coursing from one body to the other. “O.K.” I said and pulled away. “What are you going to do today?” he wondered. I said with a smile, “Well, I am kind of tired.” So much for playing it cool. I couldn’t suppress that grin.

When I got home in the baggy clothes, I could see my message light blinking. It was the Coastal Institute offering me the PR job. Play it cool. It was Saturday after all. So they’d have to wait until Monday. Suddenly, life was moving very fast. I’d slept with someone twice in 12 hours and I had my dream job offer. Hmmm. Time for a nap.

Can you die of boredom?

I know you can die of a broken heart, but can you die of boredom? It occurred to me as I was sitting at my desk with very little, if anything meaningful to do - and I was reviewing my goals for my life - that I want to do something that excites me. It was an ephiphany of sorts. Something that excites me. Does getting a PhD excite me? No, not really. But the title and jobs and opportunities that I could get with that PhD excite me more. The drudgery of coursework does not - though the idea was it would give me something to do whilst I sit at work with nothing to do.

The biggest thing on my list that excites me is writing songs and my intention to sell some hits for significant money. Hobbies also excite me - parties, friends, recreation. The thought just came to me the other day - that movies excite me and re-opening the theater in downtown Wakefield would be awesome.

Sitting at work at a desk does nothing for me. It's almost soul killing. It's like an 8 hour sentence and I am let out in the yard for a half hour of exercise each day.

Writing excites me but sitting down with the ass power to write a book does not. Spending time with my husband and family is exciting, as are vacations and time off. Getting fit excites me. Making money and owning real estate excites me.

The lack of flexibility in this job is killing me. An awesome job that enthuses me excites me. Something I love and am good at with flexibility, helping others, leading projects, requiring travel, creativity and something that is useful, valuable, meaningful.

It just occurred to me. I would make a very good philantropist when I make my millions.

Buying stocks and making money excites me. Renovating aspects of the house excites me. You get the idea.

I almost think this will be my new mantra - excitement. It's no different from following your bliss. Or doing what brings you joy.

But back to work where I have the blahs big time. As my co-worker likes to say "Would you like some whine with that cheese?" I want the pay - so perhaps it is up to me to make this more exciting with a new office, flexible schedule, travel, more responsibility and a new attitude. HELP - MORE COPING SUGGESTIONS NEEDED.

Unrelated thoughts
- "He's like an annoying little brother," I said about the new puppy who constantly chews on Toto. "Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy," said Daniel (the little brother) who was within earshot. "That's not what I meant. . ." I tried to explain.

- After watching Marley and Me Daniel told me he cried. "I cried a little after Sassy died," I consoled. "This wasn't a little," he said.

- The automatic, low flush toilets go off when you walk into the stall, when you sit up to wipe, when you get up to leave. Very efficient, don't ya think?

Puppies and things

Coping in an office job isn't easy, especially after you have had almost
unlimited flexibility for the last 10 years.

The sitting is the hardest. Luckily being a writer, I can cope with the
downtime.

Here are some of my coping strategies for office or cubicle dwellers:

1) Get up and go to the bathroom, even when you don't have to go. Otherwise your hamstrings will get very tight.
2) Take up smoking. This will provide you with regularly scheduled breaks -
depending on your addiction level, at a distance well away from your building.
3) Kill yourself (or see above).
4) Remove all clocks from the office and your wristwatch too. Can that infernal clock at the bottom right of my computer screen be removed? This sitting all day, though not as painful, is akin to childbirth in some ways. The nurses noticed I kept looking at the clock on the wall when I was in labor with Daniel. They took that clock right down so I wouldn't dwell on the time. Duh?
5) Walk at lunch, even if you don't want to.
6) Chat with co-workers, even if you don't want to or don’t particularly like them. It will help the time pass.
7) The internet offers lots of options. I did discover the stinkhorn mushroom on the internet one day at work. This can be a dangerous game . . .
8) Fake it until you make it. Pick up your feet when you walk into the building each morning. It will make a difference. I can look at myself in the shiny glass exterior. Pick up your feet.
9) Mint. Someone brought in a bunch of mint and put it out in the common area. I pinched off a leaf and smelled it the rest of the day. It made me feel better. Aromatherapy.
10) Bask in the boredom and learn chair yoga. You could get very relaxed. Note to self: Look up chair yoga.

Unrelated thoughts
"I wish Toto wasn't neutered," Daniel said. "Why?" "Duh, so we could have puppies." When I explained we would still need another dog, he asked about the neighbor’s dog 'Harry' -"Is Harry a girl?" "No, Harry is a boy name. I've never heard of a girl named Harry," I explained. "Well it could be short for Harriet," he said thoughtfully.


A new puppy reminds me: There is a lot of joy in life – chasing tails, nibbling on new, older brother’s ears, latching on to new older brother’s tail, clumsy gangly puppy legs, little puppy hops, puppies chasing bees/flies/things that blow in the wind like leaves or the hair I just cut off his back, soft puppy fur, complete devotion, and this puppy besides being so darned cute seems so happy.