Take One For The Team

I’ve been swimming alongside the URI women’s swim team for months now. One day the URI coach said “I have something for you.” As I waited, I contemplated what it might be – a workout plan perhaps. I really had no idea. He gave me an official RAMS swim cap so I could feel like one of the team. Did I mention he is so nice? Always opening up a lane for me, flagging me over to the pool that is dominated by the URI swim team. “We are only supposed to have 4 lanes,” he explained, “but if no one is here, we use them all.” So, he didn’t really think he was being nice, but I did. As a result, I decided I should get him something too, but not something I had to buy. I didn’t want the guy to feel bad. A couple days later, I gave him a copy of my CD Country Road asking him if he liked country music and explaining this was me - Galen McGovern.

A couple days later, in my swimming haze of plugged ears and lack of vision (due to the fact that I stopped swimming with my contacts in), I hear what I think is Neil Young coming from the stereo system by the pool. Hmm, is that Helpless, Helpless, Helpless? Whatever it is, it’s pretty good. I should find out who it is. Wonder why they are playing folk music? Then I realize, it’s my CD blasting away on the side of the pool. The swim coach in nowhere to be seen but I am smiling underwater.

A couple days later, I see the coach and tell him that was pretty funny playing my CD. He said we’d have to find another celebrity to swim with me in the pool. He also asked if I wrote any of the songs. YES, all of them.

And, I thought I was pretty special with my swim cap and the fact that he played my CD, but I have noticed he has given caps to other swimmers. I am not the only one…………………..but I think I might be his favorite as I doubt any of the others gave his country music.

The 378 Best Colleges

“Michael, where is that college book?” I asked.
“I thought you took it,” he said.
“I gave it back.”
So I looked in his room and found it on the floor amidst the wreckage.
“See I told you that you had it,” I said proudly.
“What are you doing in my room?” he asked.
(I can't win)

Unrelated thoughts

• My eyes are getting so bad, I bought non-alcoholic wine. It was positively putrid. Now my memory may be getting bad too – did I write about this wine before?
• Daniel said, “That is one ugly moon.” Now I have never thought of the moon as ugly so I asked why. “Because it’s not full.” Oh.
• Seen on the Domino sugar box: “We’ll always be your sugar.”
• When driving Daniel along a built up stretch of Route 2 he said, “I hate this. Where do they play?” That’s my boy.
• Daniel was doing his touchdown dance in the house and I asked what that was for. “NFL, obviously.” Oh.
• Dangerous question for a woman to ask a man: “Do you notice anything different?” Only answer I could think of that was safe is this: “You look more beautiful than usual.”
• Daniel’s latest: “I need to drain the lizard.”

Unamusing From Main Street

My mother is obsessing over her possessions and every time I see her/talk to her there is some new request for me to help her with something. Her helper says it’s a little dementia. I think as my friend Etta used to say, old people become more the way they are. And it’s not a pretty scene. She is positively obsessing about the dollar cost of things and possessions she can’t keep track of and insulting people and driving everyone crazy in the process. Does she have any redeeming qualities? My friend Nan said something about how she has probably always been this way. At least she used to ask me if I wanted a grilled cheese once in a while. Now it’s a negative energy vortex, sucking me in and sucking me down. And it sucks. It's all about her. As Nan says when we talk about old age “Bus” - meaning get hit by one before you become a burden. Bus. There are nice old people out there, aren't there?

Tips for those of us approaching old age

Be nice.

Don't be a burden. Move into assisted living if you can afford it.

Don't live alone in a house.

Have friends and a community. Stay active with something other than TV.

Realize you are f..cking old, and deal with reality like the fact that you won't drive forever. Plan accordingly.

If you have children, you do not want them to hate you - be nice.

Chicken, Little

This is the chicken I will give to my new friend.

 

I was watching one of Daniel’s baseball games and there was a handsome boy of age 3 or so who had a small rubber chicken. He was clearly fascinated with this chicken and more specifically, the butt. He kept pulling the legs apart looking at the butt, showing me the butt, putting the butt right up in my face and asking me if I could see the butt. You get the idea. It was amusing and I said several times, “Yes I see it.” Tiring of the butt talk, I told him we had chickens at home and he asked, “Can you bring them to the next game?” That had us both thinking for a minute but then the chicken was back, inches from my face “Do you see the butt?” In an instant, he was snatched away by who I can only presume was his mother. She apologized and I explained it was really no problem.

Well, by sheer coincidence or not, my mother-in-law when dropping off scraps for our chickens left me with a rubber chicken of my own. I have kept it in my purse waiting to encounter the boy again. I thought I spied him at another baseball game but he was distracted with other friends and I wasn't ready to approach him.

Perhaps tonight, when the moment is right, I will see him and ask him if he brought his rubber chicken. Whether he says yes, or no, I will reach into my bag and present him with a beautiful, new, rubber chicken. He may be disappointed though. It  is not nearly as flexible as his, the legs are fused together, and hence the butt not nearly as visible. Pity.

Unrelated thoughts

• Saw a cute old lady in the grocery store. Her items on the belt: 1 deck of cards size piece of sirloin $4.72, 1 small cardboard box of salad, 1 bagel, 1 Coke, 1 apple, 1 bag of ginger snaps, 1 small milk. Her shopping for the week? Note: Daniel did not think she was cute.
• Me (age 47): “Do you need anything?” Matt (age 14): “Mom, I am leaving in 30 seconds.” Me: Well, I have cash if you need to buy lunch and I can dispense hugs if you need one.” I did observe a small smile.
• Daniel (age 9): “There’s nothing to eat.” Me: Do you want me to make you some French toast? Daniel: “No.” Me: “Well, you could skip a meal.” Daniel: “What, I can’t skip breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day.” He settled for an egg sandwich.
• My eyesight is getting so bad I bought non-alcoholic wine at the liquor store. I used to laugh when Doug pulled out a can of seltzer instead of a beer from the fridge……………..This wine taste god awful, like grape juice with no sugar whatsoever. Positively putrid but perhaps I will find some use for it - like an innocent prank at an upcoming dinner party.



The Kitty Litter Diet

It’s not always so easy losing weight, though truly I wouldn't know. I only seem to lose weight when I am sick. But people keep telling my husband “You’ve lost weight.” He’s down over 30 lbs. from when we met 20 years ago, so this is no overnight weight loss. He looks good but he doesn’t know how to respond to the constant comments. Here are some of my ideas:

“I only eat red meat now.”

“I stopped smoking.”

“I did this great beer and ice cream diet.”

“I stopped eating fruit and vegetables and only eat carbs.”

“High carb diet.”

“I only eat eggs now.”

“I’ll tell you how I did it in one word: bacon.”

You get the idea. If he could do this with a straight face, he could have a lot of fun.

Unrelated Thoughts

• What is the point of going to McDonald’s without french fries? I read they offer substitute sides now like fruit.
• Text message from Michael: “Can you pick me up?” My answer: “No, you are too heavy.”
• Daniel thought the animated cat in this kitty litter ad was hysterical – so hysterical that he wants to use copies of the ad for wrapping paper for his friend’s next birthday present.
• My favorite expression used by co-workers in Maine about the boss: “Your lack of planning, does not constitute our emergency.”
• From my armchair quarterback position here on the sidelines, letting Wes Welker go seemed like the bonehead move of the century for the Patriots, and yet they are 4-0. The magic of Tom Brady. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Broncos win the Super Bowl and Welker scores the winning TD.
• I saw the funniest commercial on-line about tidy whities and skid marks. I think it was a real ad for Charmin toilet paper. ► 0:32► 0:32 www.youtube.com/watch?v=wo4oEdtDRPo
• Do you remember in the movie Erin Brockovich when Ed Mastry asked Erin how she had managed to gather all the chemical data from the Water Board and she responds, “They’re called boobs, Ed.” Duh.
• Last time I wrenched my neck so bad, I was trying to keep up with the triathlete in the lane next to me at the pool.
• When I was instructing Daniel about what he needed to do before we went to church: Get Dressed, Cut Your Nails, Brush Your Teeth, he said, “I can’t multi-task.”

Topedoed By A Tree

I wish I had a picture of this because one of the funniest things happened this summer. I found a beautiful black and white, barn swallow - recently dead - on the path to the beach. It looked like it literally fell from the sky. I picked it up in the palm of my hand and marveled - ignoring all past prognostications we learned as children about picking up dead animals. It was so small, I thought as I cradled it in my hand. And then, I wasn't sure what to do.

I saw a nearby tree branch, shaped like a Y and put it in the cross hairs, as if it flew in a got stuck. It was too lovely to put back on the ground.

Days later, after Daniel and I noticed insects eating out the eyes - Doug came home one morning exclaiming about two amazing sights. One: He saw a deer and her fawns frolicking along the edge of the salt pond. The fawns came complete with white spots on their rumps. Two: (This one was even more amazing) He saw a swallow that had gotten struck in the Y of a tree branch  mid-flight. He really believed this and continued on with his amazement until I said, "Gotcha." He laughed and said he was wondering how a bird could do that.

Unrelated thoughts

• There is nothing quite as stinky as a boy in a car after a cross country meet or football practice, for that matter.
• Shortly after I decided I would not drink alcohol Monday thru Thursdays to jump start my weight loss plan - I went to the liquor store. My plan didn't even last one day. But I thought and sang to myself, "If it makes you happy, it can't be that baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad." And the brilliant thoughts started flowing as I cracked open my first beer, "I drink, therefore I am." 
• After seeing some teenage boys I know in their high school  band uniforms (on Facebook) I told Matt "Good call" re: not doing high school band. 'Nough said. 
• Earlier this summer, I noticed Michael, 16,  on the beach talking to an attractive girl and I said to myself, "What are those white things?" Ah, his teeth and smiling at that. 

I Did It My Way

The signs on the house say: I Did It My Way and above the door: Believe, Dream, Wish. 

Also, note the two big brown bears. Goldylocks must be inside with the other one.

There is a log cabin that was recently built on Saugatucket Road. It replaced a little green Quonset Hut. Every time I drive by it makes me smile and laugh because there are two life size grizzly bears (not real) on the front porch, abutting the front door and there are big signs on the front of the house. “I Did It My Way” – you certainly did. And “Dream, Believe, Receive” – I’m not sure about this last one but when I go by to get the photo, I will let you know what it says for sure. It’s not as big as the “I Did It My Way” and not easily read while driving by.  I promise to get you that photo. Think of it this way – it will be something to look forward to. I have the camera in the car and my new iPhone too. That photo will be sure bet and a thing of beauty.

Unrelated thoughts

• At church they often (each week) refer to the “golden rod sheet” of announcements located in the pew. I find this frickin’ hilarious and even Matt, 14, said the other day “Why don’t they just say yellow?” My response: “Exactly!”
• “If I win the lottery, I won’t go to work on Monday,” I said to Daniel. “But you’ll work again,” he responded. “No, why would I work if I have all the money I need?” I said. “To get more money. It’s kind of obvious,” he said.
• “Why are there so many Americans on the edge of the fiscal cliff?” asked Daniel while looking inauguration photos on the front page of the paper.
• I saw something in the paper about brushing teeth in the shower to save time . . . please tell me that society is not in that much of a rush. But lately I have been rushed in the parking lot where I work. I have pulled into my parking spot, opened my door, and there are people waiting to pull into the spot right next to me – and my door is impinging their parking. I hate this. Calm the fuck down. There is a whole parking lot out there.
• My mom is calling Kris’s dog Shiva – Simba. This was a dog we had 40 years ago. 
• “They will eat you alive without a plan,” the soccer coach explained in regard to coaching boys soccer and it’s true.
• Seen in the Post Office: Cell phone use in the lobby is prohibited. There are 20 minute plus lines in the P.O. and you can’t use your cell phone. Perhaps it interferes with the pilot’s controls.
• I don’t like listening to D. eat. I can hear him in the other room right now.
• I saved the day at Sunday School recently with my new iPhone. The question was how do we determine when Easter is. It’s based on the lunar calendar and I will surely have to look it up again to remember the specifics.
• There is actually a show called the Amish Mafia. Huh?
• A little girl was being a bit of a pain in the ass/brat in the line at Stop  & Shop. Her mother theorized that she’d had too much candy on account that it was Valentine’s Day. The girl noticed the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue and wanted to get it. The mother’s response, “Why would I pay to look at those, when I can look at my own for free?”
• GOD, DOG, GOOD, DOOG
• Daniel had a trick up his sleeve in church the other day. I went up front to give the children’s sermon and when I came back to the pew there were his pants. He was long gone to Sunday School in shorts.
• Blinds and Designs truck drove by me on the highway. On the back of the van, it said: Caution Blind Man Driving.
• In reference to my song Living In Paradise – Don’t wanna go to Mexico, na na na Bahama, ah ah ah (this is the sound you make when you tell a dog no in monosyllables – not sure how to spell it) Jamaica, there’s only one Bermuda – Daniel said as we were listening to it “Hey you are describing Bermuda.” And then he thought a minute and said “Bahamas wouldn’t be bad.” And then later, “But you did mention some nice places.” After this winter, take me anywhere ..........................