Eulogy for DAD

I remember when Etta died, Win said something about “good and bad and she was more good than bad.” My dad too was good and bad. I remember Liza said once “He was from the wrong generation.” Probably true, but there were things that were right about him.

Those of us that follow, inherited many of his traits – good and bad, right and wrong. Some of us have his physical traits, some of us have his mental acuity, some of us have his sense of humor, some of us have his physical quickness, some of us display his extreme frugality, most of us share his love of dogs. There may even be a couple of chess players among us.

There are many things I learned from my dad and it was more from observation. He didn’t necessarily teach you things. He told you how to do things. And many things came easy to him – athletics, academics (though he said he wasn’t a great student), music, writing . . . . he had a lot of talent.

Here are some of my observations and things I learned from my Dad:

• · Drive slow and always drive in the right hand lane on the highway (no compromises on this one).
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• ex. Passed by a teenager on Gary Rd. Didn’t tailgate while learning to drive on Falls Rd.

• · If you drink your coffee black and someone asks how you take your coffee say “Black like my heart.”
• · Learn the word perspicacious and use it often.

ex. Spent months trying to get a two year old Michael to say this word and I think he succeeded.

• · Find a good dog to love and to love you. It’s the only love money can buy.
• · Help your neighbors. He helped a divorced woman who lived across the street with legal advice and helped her install a fence in her yard. He helped another neighbor lift an I-beam for an addition to his house.
• · Family takes care of family – ‘nough said.
• · Don’t spend money if you don’t have to. He couldn’t enjoy going out to dinner even if someone else was paying because ‘they were spending money.’ Some of these traits carry thru when I hear myself say ‘Guys, we could buy a couple gallons of ice cream for what we’ll pay to go out for ice cream at Brickley’s.’ ‘Guys we could go buy some nice rolls, turkey, chips soda and eat all week instead of going out to Subway.’
• · If you buy your clothes at LL Bean, you call them your ‘haberdashery.’
• · Cars can be a topic of conversation. I heard ‘How’s the car?’ many times throughout my college career.
• · Have a lifelong best friend or two if you can.
• · If you mother has a friend who is the aunt of the President, call your mother the ‘First Friend'

His life in a box

While my mother got rid of my dad’s clothing, she saved his personal effects from his dresser and put them in a box for me to look through. It occurred to me that to some extent this was his life in a box. Much of what I sorted through defined who he was as a person.

Politics

Quote re: JFK by his father saying he just wanted to buy a victory not a landslide.

Value

There was his #12 gold filling.

Detailed descriptions of two watches he was given/inherited

Family/Sentimental

There was his hat from one summer working on the El Paso Natural Gas Co. pipeline.

Mrs. Ralph Holman Howard - engraved stamp

MBH - stamp

Photo of his brother Jim

Photo of his father

A postcard with the grave marked, address, birth date of his mother’s brother

in an American Cemetery in France – James Lee Hawkins Jr. 11-16-91 to 10-16-18

For Jeb – to be opened at my death (a touching note from his mother)

Frugality

At least three cheap, plastic, electronic watches/timers

Newport bridge tokens

Practical

There were miscellaneous keys to miscellaneous properties.

Key chains

Ancient container of spot cleaner

3 shoe horns

Flashlight

Map of D.C.

Toothpicks –hotel

Measuring tape

Screws – 4

There was a collection of outdated LL Bean coupons.

Plugs – 2

Secret, magnetic key container

Mending kits from Simsbury Inn and Horizons in Bermuda

Buttons

Paper weight – 1^st locomotive on Southern Railway System

Dogs

A very sentimental description of the life of a dog – brought home as a frisky pup, loyal friend, all the way to the dog’s demise

Leash clasp

Suki’s 3 dog collars

Spotted dog w/horseshoe - chain

Schooling

UVA law school pin

Yale bulldog

Armed Forces Qualifying test – he got a perfect score

Whimsical

Red feather from Tyrolean felt hat

An ancient condom – Dixie Deluxe

Cartoon matador figure

Game w/ die, 4 game pieces, game board

CA

Geode

Book of poems from Pear Blossom, CA

Spiritual

9 small Bibles – Jehovah’s Witness?

I was looking for a small memento to remember him by – did not find the abalone shell he had on his dresser for many years (though Sabra did later). I did not find his arrowhead collection from his early days in CA desert.

But among his belongings, was a birthday book with many of your birthdays, complete with birth year: Some of his favorite people had the birthdays of famous people listed next to theirs. Brother Jim/Al Capone/Muhammed Ali shared same birthday. Patsy/Rita Hayworth. Byron/Winston Churchill/Mark Twain, Pierce/Abe Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Jeb/Bob Newhart, Jesse James, Raquel Welch

Some of you may not share a birthday w/ someone famous . . . . but many/most of you are in that birthday book in his own handwriting.

B. Hanson, Suki, P. Lahti, M. Getches, Mioko, Bill Hansen, Nonnie, Daniel, Patsy, Christie G. Gordon McGovern, Art Dix, Mike Bontecou, Jaime, Martha, Galen, Byron, Betsey, Megan Howard, Bob Knowles, Holly Bontecou, Kris, Judy, Barbara Champlin, Margaret, Norman, his brother Jim, Georgia, Gene Santos, Bruce, Lucius, PNH/JH ’55, Doug, Pierce, Abe Lincoln, Charm, Meemaw, Pam Bazaar, Matt, Win, Richmond, Michael, Onnie, Bob G. Dana, Katin, Andrew, Cindy, Etta, Emerson, Sam, Rhys, Joe Hyde, Carolyn G. Dave G. Michael Stone, Caren G., Pam G., Colin/Matt, Debbie, Mary, his father, himself.

That is really his legacy to us – the people here in Matunuck he introduced us to.

Know he cared about the people in Matunuck deeply. This was one of his favorite places in the whole world and he passed that on to his family. We are so happy he did. And he had a very sweet sentimental side that most people didn’t see. He kept that boxed up.

Driving Lessons

There are signs Mom should not be driving. She hasn’t been doing it for one. She has her keys and simply chooses not to. Her helper said, “I think she knows.”

Other signs include backing into a man with a motorized grocery cart in the Stop & Shop. A car is a lot bigger than a motorized cart.

She told me she used the car one day, not that she could have kept it from me, because her wheel was up on the ‘curb’ of the driveway.

Today, she had a doctor’s appointment at 3:30 p.m. and she was wondering what she would do if she was in a panic and got lost. You see she doesn’t remember the roads and routes here anymore even though she lived here for 15 years. She explained her longterm memory is intact but not the shortterm. So some old routes she used to take she remembers – sort of. Well I gave her my cell number in case she got herself in a panic but there has been no call. I can only assume she made it to the doctor’s and will make it home.

I did give her a driving test the other day. As we drove to the grocery store, it was apparent that turning from a full stop was not her forte. I said a couple times, you need to pull way up so you can see. I got the impression she would just take her chances and pull out if I wasn’t there in the car. On the straight aways she was better but missed a turn or two – she blamed me for talking and distracting her. Her parking also had me worried though I am not typically a passenger and am a little skittish - it sure seemed like she came awfully close to clipping the car next to hers.

It’s role reversal. I remember clearly how she wouldn’t let me drive home after I got my driver’s license. I remember clearly how she used to pump the ‘air brake’ when I was learning how to drive. And her outstretched arms bracing themselves on the dashboard stay with me still.

My 80 year old boss thinks she should keep driving. Think of it like a big golf cart, he said. She needs some independence. Hmmmm. We’ll see. First fender bender and she’s out of the driver’s seat for good. As for me, I’ll stick to the driver’s seat with her if we have to go somewhere. Even if it’s a golf cart ride away.

I tell you what though, I was impressed how she hustled right around the grocery store on foot no problem. Food can be a great motivator. And when I asked her if she could push the cart out into the parking lot she got very insulted, “I’m not dead yet.”

Unrelated thoughts

• I found a new job. It's a sinecure: an office requiring little or no work, especially one yielding profitable returns.
• My co-worker says mom needs a boyfriend. "There's a cup for every saucer."
• Sometimes something has gotta give in our busy lives. In my case, it's the garden. I promise some day I will have a garden with nary a weed and gorgeous, brown earth between the rows.