Chicken, Little

This is the chicken I will give to my new friend.

 

I was watching one of Daniel’s baseball games and there was a handsome boy of age 3 or so who had a small rubber chicken. He was clearly fascinated with this chicken and more specifically, the butt. He kept pulling the legs apart looking at the butt, showing me the butt, putting the butt right up in my face and asking me if I could see the butt. You get the idea. It was amusing and I said several times, “Yes I see it.” Tiring of the butt talk, I told him we had chickens at home and he asked, “Can you bring them to the next game?” That had us both thinking for a minute but then the chicken was back, inches from my face “Do you see the butt?” In an instant, he was snatched away by who I can only presume was his mother. She apologized and I explained it was really no problem.

Well, by sheer coincidence or not, my mother-in-law when dropping off scraps for our chickens left me with a rubber chicken of my own. I have kept it in my purse waiting to encounter the boy again. I thought I spied him at another baseball game but he was distracted with other friends and I wasn't ready to approach him.

Perhaps tonight, when the moment is right, I will see him and ask him if he brought his rubber chicken. Whether he says yes, or no, I will reach into my bag and present him with a beautiful, new, rubber chicken. He may be disappointed though. It  is not nearly as flexible as his, the legs are fused together, and hence the butt not nearly as visible. Pity.

Unrelated thoughts

• Saw a cute old lady in the grocery store. Her items on the belt: 1 deck of cards size piece of sirloin $4.72, 1 small cardboard box of salad, 1 bagel, 1 Coke, 1 apple, 1 bag of ginger snaps, 1 small milk. Her shopping for the week? Note: Daniel did not think she was cute.
• Me (age 47): “Do you need anything?” Matt (age 14): “Mom, I am leaving in 30 seconds.” Me: Well, I have cash if you need to buy lunch and I can dispense hugs if you need one.” I did observe a small smile.
• Daniel (age 9): “There’s nothing to eat.” Me: Do you want me to make you some French toast? Daniel: “No.” Me: “Well, you could skip a meal.” Daniel: “What, I can’t skip breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day.” He settled for an egg sandwich.
• My eyesight is getting so bad I bought non-alcoholic wine at the liquor store. I used to laugh when Doug pulled out a can of seltzer instead of a beer from the fridge……………..This wine taste god awful, like grape juice with no sugar whatsoever. Positively putrid but perhaps I will find some use for it - like an innocent prank at an upcoming dinner party.



The Kitty Litter Diet

It’s not always so easy losing weight, though truly I wouldn't know. I only seem to lose weight when I am sick. But people keep telling my husband “You’ve lost weight.” He’s down over 30 lbs. from when we met 20 years ago, so this is no overnight weight loss. He looks good but he doesn’t know how to respond to the constant comments. Here are some of my ideas:

“I only eat red meat now.”

“I stopped smoking.”

“I did this great beer and ice cream diet.”

“I stopped eating fruit and vegetables and only eat carbs.”

“High carb diet.”

“I only eat eggs now.”

“I’ll tell you how I did it in one word: bacon.”

You get the idea. If he could do this with a straight face, he could have a lot of fun.

Unrelated Thoughts

• What is the point of going to McDonald’s without french fries? I read they offer substitute sides now like fruit.
• Text message from Michael: “Can you pick me up?” My answer: “No, you are too heavy.”
• Daniel thought the animated cat in this kitty litter ad was hysterical – so hysterical that he wants to use copies of the ad for wrapping paper for his friend’s next birthday present.
• My favorite expression used by co-workers in Maine about the boss: “Your lack of planning, does not constitute our emergency.”
• From my armchair quarterback position here on the sidelines, letting Wes Welker go seemed like the bonehead move of the century for the Patriots, and yet they are 4-0. The magic of Tom Brady. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Broncos win the Super Bowl and Welker scores the winning TD.
• I saw the funniest commercial on-line about tidy whities and skid marks. I think it was a real ad for Charmin toilet paper. ► 0:32► 0:32 www.youtube.com/watch?v=wo4oEdtDRPo
• Do you remember in the movie Erin Brockovich when Ed Mastry asked Erin how she had managed to gather all the chemical data from the Water Board and she responds, “They’re called boobs, Ed.” Duh.
• Last time I wrenched my neck so bad, I was trying to keep up with the triathlete in the lane next to me at the pool.
• When I was instructing Daniel about what he needed to do before we went to church: Get Dressed, Cut Your Nails, Brush Your Teeth, he said, “I can’t multi-task.”

Topedoed By A Tree

I wish I had a picture of this because one of the funniest things happened this summer. I found a beautiful black and white, barn swallow - recently dead - on the path to the beach. It looked like it literally fell from the sky. I picked it up in the palm of my hand and marveled - ignoring all past prognostications we learned as children about picking up dead animals. It was so small, I thought as I cradled it in my hand. And then, I wasn't sure what to do.

I saw a nearby tree branch, shaped like a Y and put it in the cross hairs, as if it flew in a got stuck. It was too lovely to put back on the ground.

Days later, after Daniel and I noticed insects eating out the eyes - Doug came home one morning exclaiming about two amazing sights. One: He saw a deer and her fawns frolicking along the edge of the salt pond. The fawns came complete with white spots on their rumps. Two: (This one was even more amazing) He saw a swallow that had gotten struck in the Y of a tree branch  mid-flight. He really believed this and continued on with his amazement until I said, "Gotcha." He laughed and said he was wondering how a bird could do that.

Unrelated thoughts

• There is nothing quite as stinky as a boy in a car after a cross country meet or football practice, for that matter.
• Shortly after I decided I would not drink alcohol Monday thru Thursdays to jump start my weight loss plan - I went to the liquor store. My plan didn't even last one day. But I thought and sang to myself, "If it makes you happy, it can't be that baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad." And the brilliant thoughts started flowing as I cracked open my first beer, "I drink, therefore I am." 
• After seeing some teenage boys I know in their high school  band uniforms (on Facebook) I told Matt "Good call" re: not doing high school band. 'Nough said. 
• Earlier this summer, I noticed Michael, 16,  on the beach talking to an attractive girl and I said to myself, "What are those white things?" Ah, his teeth and smiling at that. 

I Did It My Way

The signs on the house say: I Did It My Way and above the door: Believe, Dream, Wish. 

Also, note the two big brown bears. Goldylocks must be inside with the other one.

There is a log cabin that was recently built on Saugatucket Road. It replaced a little green Quonset Hut. Every time I drive by it makes me smile and laugh because there are two life size grizzly bears (not real) on the front porch, abutting the front door and there are big signs on the front of the house. “I Did It My Way” – you certainly did. And “Dream, Believe, Receive” – I’m not sure about this last one but when I go by to get the photo, I will let you know what it says for sure. It’s not as big as the “I Did It My Way” and not easily read while driving by.  I promise to get you that photo. Think of it this way – it will be something to look forward to. I have the camera in the car and my new iPhone too. That photo will be sure bet and a thing of beauty.

Unrelated thoughts

• At church they often (each week) refer to the “golden rod sheet” of announcements located in the pew. I find this frickin’ hilarious and even Matt, 14, said the other day “Why don’t they just say yellow?” My response: “Exactly!”
• “If I win the lottery, I won’t go to work on Monday,” I said to Daniel. “But you’ll work again,” he responded. “No, why would I work if I have all the money I need?” I said. “To get more money. It’s kind of obvious,” he said.
• “Why are there so many Americans on the edge of the fiscal cliff?” asked Daniel while looking inauguration photos on the front page of the paper.
• I saw something in the paper about brushing teeth in the shower to save time . . . please tell me that society is not in that much of a rush. But lately I have been rushed in the parking lot where I work. I have pulled into my parking spot, opened my door, and there are people waiting to pull into the spot right next to me – and my door is impinging their parking. I hate this. Calm the fuck down. There is a whole parking lot out there.
• My mom is calling Kris’s dog Shiva – Simba. This was a dog we had 40 years ago. 
• “They will eat you alive without a plan,” the soccer coach explained in regard to coaching boys soccer and it’s true.
• Seen in the Post Office: Cell phone use in the lobby is prohibited. There are 20 minute plus lines in the P.O. and you can’t use your cell phone. Perhaps it interferes with the pilot’s controls.
• I don’t like listening to D. eat. I can hear him in the other room right now.
• I saved the day at Sunday School recently with my new iPhone. The question was how do we determine when Easter is. It’s based on the lunar calendar and I will surely have to look it up again to remember the specifics.
• There is actually a show called the Amish Mafia. Huh?
• A little girl was being a bit of a pain in the ass/brat in the line at Stop  & Shop. Her mother theorized that she’d had too much candy on account that it was Valentine’s Day. The girl noticed the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue and wanted to get it. The mother’s response, “Why would I pay to look at those, when I can look at my own for free?”
• GOD, DOG, GOOD, DOOG
• Daniel had a trick up his sleeve in church the other day. I went up front to give the children’s sermon and when I came back to the pew there were his pants. He was long gone to Sunday School in shorts.
• Blinds and Designs truck drove by me on the highway. On the back of the van, it said: Caution Blind Man Driving.
• In reference to my song Living In Paradise – Don’t wanna go to Mexico, na na na Bahama, ah ah ah (this is the sound you make when you tell a dog no in monosyllables – not sure how to spell it) Jamaica, there’s only one Bermuda – Daniel said as we were listening to it “Hey you are describing Bermuda.” And then he thought a minute and said “Bahamas wouldn’t be bad.” And then later, “But you did mention some nice places.” After this winter, take me anywhere ..........................

Mrs. P's Pickled Peppers

These are the pickled peppers Daniel dreamed about.

Daniel and I were watching television and there was a segment of flashback on NCIS. "When life flashes before your eyes, does it go forward or backwards," he asked. Well I don't know that it really does happen but I think backwards because how would you know what hasn't happened, I replied.
He explained very thoughtfully that sometimes he has dreams that come true. In other words, he knows the future. See this fine example of the pickled peppers above. When they decided on a team name for his classroom (it was a vegetable theme), they chose Mrs. P's (name withheld to protect the innocent) Pickled Peppers for the class Jog-a-thon. Daniel knew she would pick out this fake pepper icon above from the Internet. He just knew.  He also told me he has had lots of other dreams of the future that have come true but this was the one example that came to mind.

Einstein said we think time is linear but that is just our perception. We just don't know. So the next time life flashes before your eyes, which way will you go? Forward, backward, or somewhere else altogether? You decide.

Unrelated thoughts

-I don't think men in clogs is a good look, at least in the U.S.

-Though everything is Nan's fault, including this 'hurricane' it turns out mom does not have a hernia at all but perhaps something else as indicated by a scan of her colon. A colonoscopy is next.

-Storms rarely live up to the hype in my experience. No school today. No work today. This will surely be the case tomorrow. But will Sandy pack a punch? Time will tell.

It's All Nan's Fault

Everything is Nan’s fault. Nan has been my 82 year old mother’s helper for five months now. And my mother still doesn’t know where all her clothes are after her move to Rhode Island. “I know I packed them,” she says. “But Nan probably did something with them. And Nan doesn’t know anything about clothes.” What I think she means by this is Nan doesn’t hang the outfits that go together – together. Who knows, but to give Nan a bit of a break here, my mother has clothes spilling out from every closet and giant totes in every room of the house.

She misses her old helper Sabra. “She liked what I like,” she says by way of explanation. When I ask what she likes, she replies “Clothes, shoes, makeup.” That doesn’t sound like Nan to me nor does it sound like me to me. I take her out to eat – because everyone I know likes to eat.

Mom used to be into cooking but she doesn’t do much of that anymore. She even blames her lack of meals on Nan. Apparently when Nan ran into the Stop & Shop last time, she only bought her one Healthy Choice meal. As a result, she has been eating yogurt for dinner all week. I suggested she needs to ask for specifically what she wants. Par example, “I need five Healthy Choice dinners for the week.”  Hey we all need a scapegoat and hers is Nan.

I did ask Mom if she enjoys Nan’s company and she said, “Yes, she is very nice.” She also said something about how Nan was a hippie.

So they are very different. I think in a perfect world mom would find another Sabra – someone more like herself. This could be the job description:

Helper needed for elderly woman who likes clothes, shoes, and makeup. If you are into cooking gourmet meals, even better. Duties include: occasional cleanup, running errands, going shopping for clothes, shoes, makeup and oh food. Need vivacious, cheerful companion who is a girly girl. And don’t tail after elderly woman in the grocery store. She likes her space.

I reminded her: There is only one Sabra.

Nan took mom down to TJ Max on her birthday. She told me she shopped in TJ Max for two hours and told Nan to skedaddle. I guess Nan did and when I arrived to pick her up for her birthday dinner she reminded me of Minnie Pearl in her new sweater with the price tag ($12.99) prominently hanging off her garment. It is amazing that my mother can walk around shopping for two hours but cannot walk 100 yards for any other reason. Only shopping for food and clothing seems to motivate her.

She needs a little motivation at 82. We just celebrated her birthday and she can’t believe she is that old. When she looks in the mirror she finds it completely depressing/distressing. Ah, yes beauty fades so we must rely on other things like clothes, shoes, makeup. . .Oh and more thing -  it’s all Nan’s fault.  

Unrelated thoughts

• I was talking with Michael about school pictures and explained “It’s hard to smile on command.” He agreed and noted to really smile “you need to smile with your eyes.” So wise. 
• Food for thought: Have you ever hated something you were really good at?
• Can I blame my problems on Nan?

Rosa Penis

In another age, my mother probably would have been a computer engineer. She is the only one I know, period, who can program her DVR like its slicing room temperature butter. Before the DVR, she was a wiz at recording programs when no one I knew could figure out the goddamned  VCR.  She is amazing. Doug says it’s because it’s important to her. But if you know anyone who is 82 and can figure this out, you let me know.  This is a minor miracle and goes in the who’d a thunk it category.

 

She certainly wasn’t technical in my eyes growing up, although gourmet cooking and sewing do take some technical skills. She always seemed to know exactly how many yards of fabric to buy per window for curtains. He mathematical / geometry skills are apparently in there still.

 

We don’t even have a DVR but when we get one I can call Mom for technical assistance.

 

In addition to her DVR prowess, my mother has become very adept at butchering names. She now calls Trader Joe’s, Trader Vic’s. She’s not sure why. She calls her new favorite restaurant Chinchilla’s but it’s actually named Cucina Twist. When I ask her why someone would name a restaurant after a rodent, she isn’t fazed. It’s all perfectly logical.  She calls her helper’s new grandson RO RO – that’s what I’m calling him, she says by way of explanation. His name is Rowan, I think. She also started calling her sister’s dog Rosa, Rosapina. 

 

Oh this brought up a funny story. You see when I was all of 12; my mother had a cleaning woman named Rosapina. She lived next door with a Peruvian family, the Chang’s, as their housekeeper. Well, I thought her name was hilarious and started calling her Rosa Penis. One of the Chang boys must have told her I was calling her this and she refused to come to work for my mother. Somehow, in time, my mother smoothed this over and I remember well the earful I got from my mother. At the time, this wasn’t funny at all. Looking back, its frickin’ hilarious. And that name has resurfaced as the incorrect name of my aunt’s dog.

 

Rosa Penis. Say it out loud. It will make you smile.