No More Proverbs!

I was sorting through some notebooks that I had in my purse and scraps of paper I had saved throughout the years. And though most of the entries were quite sparse, I realized that these were diaries of sorts. You see I was reading through them in order to throw them out. And I did throw some of them out but then I fished them right out of that trash can. Some of the material was too good to lose. Here is a scrap of paper from church some time back, an exchange with my son Michael.

Turn the other cheek

Wade the deep creek

Still waters run deep

Pickles are delish

A watched pot never boils

Can I have my allowance?

Thrown for a loop

Don’t stop while you’re ahead

Sweet B’jinkies! We gotta mystery!

Yabba Dabba?

That’s so trite it’s true.

Does a bear sh_t in the wood?

Don’t’ let a good thing end.

Silence is golden

No more proverbs!!

The upshot of all this? We were actually having fun in church. 

Haiti Mission Trip and Beyond

At the orientation meeting, the Haiti Task Force leaders asked us to think about our goals for the week. I had signed up for the Haiti mission trip purely as a joyous reaction and a sense of adventure. Goals for the week? Hmmm. At that point, the trip was still over a month away.

A group from the Peace Dale Congregational Church was travelling with Suzanne Swanson and Shirley Hardison of the RI Church of Christ. They had both been to Haiti many times. I knew the trip could possibly be life changing, but I wasn’t sure how. At a minimum, I thought it may inspire me to give to one of the causes that the church donates to. We would be travelling to a school for the handicapped, an egg farm providing school children with the nutrition of 1 egg a day, jewelry manufacturing that employs women so they can retain their own children, orphanages, and a metal work artisan village – the church purchases metal works to sell at craft fairs and the proceeds fund medicine for the Fontamara Clinic. Who knows, this could be my first of many trips to Haiti. No, I wasn’t sure what my goal or goals would be but I was excited and that felt good. I had been excited in a long time.

And then I went for my shots – Hepatitis A, Typhoid, malaria pills, anti-diarhhea medication. There were other recommendations on the travel sites – MMR, DTAP, Cholera, Yellow Fever. But truth be told, I wasn’t worried. Wasn’t worried at all. The doctor at the travel clinic, Okosun Edoro set my mind at ease. He was from Nigeria or ‘both worlds’ as he put it. “Don’t assume that because of the deprivation, that the people are unhappy.” He sees Americans chasing more and more and many are depressed. He thought that people in Third World countries were often happy just to have enough to eat. Less is more, we agreed. The wise doctor saw the value in working less, acquiring less, and spending more time with friends. Amen. The letters after his name should say MD, MPH, Philosopher. He wished me luck and reminded me that Jesus said, “It is better to give than to receive.”

Maybe that was my goal: to acquire gratitude for all I have and my good fortune. The little irritations and squabbles of everyday life were nothing compared to the challenges some of the Haitians would be going through. An attitude of gratitude.

And it turns out I was right. When I got home, one of the first things I started doing was clearing out closets and bagging up clothing to donate. We did not need all this stuff! Secondly I was determined to be extremely grateful, every day, for all that I have. Friendship and love is the most important possession.

Was Haiti life changing? I don’t know. But I do think I will fulfill one goal of ultimately getting involved in a defined charity effort there. This trip will be the beginning of a lifelong commitment to that area. Members of the trip wondered where to start if you were in charge of the country? A justice system. A non-corrupt government. Public works projects for roads, sewage. Increase agriculture. Birth control. Job creation with unemployment at over 80 percent. We also wondered if there were equivalent areas in the U.S. - Detroit, Appalachia, Mississippi. It would be hard to imagine they were as dire as Haiti. You can only go to school if you can pay. Parents abandon their children because they cannot feed them. There is no government assistance. Malnutrition is rampant. Most children were a few years older than I thought they looked. There is no sewage and no sanitation. Mounds of trash cover the sides of the road – with pigs, goats, dogs foraging in the filth. Most homes do not have running water, electricity, or bathrooms. A stench of burning tires fills the air. 

As the wise doctor said, ‘Do not assume they are unhappy.’ And most seemed to be going about their daily lives but it was clear the children in some of the orphanages were more than unhappy. They clung to us and wanted to be cuddled. They were emotionally deprived, malnourished, and tired. Many had a dazed look in their eyes. Had they recently been abandoned? In some ways they were lucky as unwanted children can become ‘slaves’ or restaveks. In other orphanages, the children did seem more at peace, more like a family. So yes there was suffering and unhappiness. Medical care is limited and there are very few older people. One boy laughed when I told him my age – 50. Age isn’t as much a part of their culture but he probably didn’t know anyone my age.

Our trip leaders summed it up nicely. “We don’t tell people what to do. Instead we ask – what do you need.” The leaders seemed to take offense at white people coming into the country trying to tell the Haitians what was best for them.

I hope the images stay with me a long time. The disfigured boy with hydrocephaly, the woman with a huge goiter, the boy at the orphanage with an umbilical hernia, the woman at the handicapped school with no limps. They really don’t have a chance. We have so much to be grateful for. The RI Church of Christ Haiti Taks force has been providing education, health care, orphan relief, and community services to the people of Haiti.

If you are interested in learning more about the UCC Haiti mission, getting involved, or donating -  check out the Haitian Task Force website at: http://www.richaititaskforce.org/ric-ucc

25 years of providing education, quality health care, orphan relief and community-based services to the people in Haiti.

Unrelated Thoughts

• Seen on the stop sign on Cemetery Lane – ‘LAST STOP’
• When I see beloved husband or wife in an obituary I tend to wonder – was he or she really beloved?
• I asked Doug would he rather have the last name Lovejoy or Ramsbottom? Can you guess his answer?
• I was thinking about a book title: An Ordinary Tragic Life
• Daniel and I were listening to a Coffee House station on satellite radio and Jewel came on. ‘Mom you can sing better than that!’ I'll take it.
• On same satellite radio, Daniel really hated the song Déjà vu by Crosby, Stills, & Nash
• On same satellite radio, I tried to explain the double entendre of the Who song Squeeze Box. I don’t think he got it and made a face. He's still only 12.
• On same satellite radio, Jail Break by Thin Lizzy has got to be one of the worst songs I have ever heard. Tuneless and repetitive: tonight there’s gonna be a jail break. There you know the whole song. Now sing it in any nonsensical tune.

Emancipation Matriculation

I wanted to write this great speech/testament for to hand to Michael as he went off to college. I thought I would call it the Emancipation Matriculation but I didn’t want to be offensive to descendants of former slaves. I even started writing it. Snippets of advice included things like:

-If the bed spins, you’ve had too much to drink.
-Make Mom proud.
-Find an area/subject that you love.
-Take care of your car with oil changes etc. but we have the car at home (No cars for freshmen).
-Eat protein at every meal, but he does this anyway.
-Study hard.
-Have fun but keep your head.
-Get plenty of sleep.
-Be safe. Don’t do anything stupid.
-Exercise.
-Take an art class or music class or learn an instrument, just for fun.
-Live in the moment but think about the future – graduate school, jobs.
-You are smart, handsome, go for it, seize the day.
-Smile for photos.
-Find some friends who get you.
-Remember we are here if you need anything.

Know we are so proud of you and love you. You have all the ability in the world. Try your hardest and live up to your potential. This tome was going to be monumental. It was going to go viral on the Internet in the vein of the graduation speech erroneously attributed to Kurt Vonnegut - where the speech writer advises graduates to always use sunscreen and admonishes them you will never realize how good you looked when you were young. But alas, I didn’t present him with the Emancipation Matriculation. I boiled it down to three simple, key pieces of advice:

-Work hard.
-Have fun.
-Be safe / Don’t do anything stupid.

And the funny thing is he actually seemed to listen. Especially to the epic advice: don’t do anything stupid. Time will tell. Time will tell.

Graveyard Shift

Years ago I used to run into a woman in the graveyard while walking our mutual dogs. She was on the very early shift like me, before I went to my soul killing job at NOAA. I found out she was a professor at GSO. I would see her and her dog Butterscotch regularly and could easily recognized the dog. Well one morning Butterscotch was being walked by an elderly gentleman – so the next time I saw her I said “I saw your father walking your dog.” For God’s sake, the guy looked to by about 70 and she was high 30s tops. “Oh that was my husband,” she said. Gulp. “Oh I don’t see that well with these glasses………….blah, blah, blah.” As I tried to cover myself, she explained that he was indeed OLDER.

Come to the present, a few years later. I see the Professor woman (who I haven’t seen for years) walking with Butterscotch and an older gentleman with a lab-type dog. “Oh, you got a new dog?” “No, that’s my father’s dog. He is visiting.” Gulp. You see I was very careful but not careful enough. Apparently her father and husband are about the same age and I sure can’t tell the difference. Perhaps I need to keep my mouth shut. What a nice looking dog!

Last week, I was walking our angelic dog Buster, who doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. We encountered a young woman I didn’t recognize walking Scragglepus. Now I don’t know this dog’s real name but I recognized the dog as one that regularly snarls and growls at me jogging or launches itself at Buster. Luckily, Scragglepus was on a leash but nevertheless, he lunged at Buster in an aggressive manner. I said to the young woman, he is always aggressive with my dog. She replied, “He is always aggressive on the leash!” This is not a friendly dog and I didn’t explain to her that we have encountered him many times off the leash (he wanders over to the graveyard to harass) and he is equally aggressive.

SO I walked on minding my own business and keeping Buster close. As we walked by them again, she called out in a fairly smarmy tone, “Have a great rest of your day!” I said, “O.K.” I wasn’t about to say thank you, no sir. And then I remembered. This woman was the hall monitor or some such thing when my son Matthew was in kindergarten. And he was very upset with her. She was bullying him and insisting that he put his coat on, when they waited outside on the blacktop, whether he wanted to or not. One day, I went down when he was in line and confronted her. “If he doesn’t want to put his coat on he doesn’t have to.” She was obnoxious then and is obnoxious to this day and so is her little dog too. Think Toto with the witch in the Wizard of Oz. Some people don’t change. That personality is set. Unfortunately this young woman is also fat and I felt like telling her “You have an awful personality and you are fat!” But I didn’t. It would fall on deaf ears. You know how people say, “So and so has a really nice personality” and you immediately know they are not good looking. Scragglepus and Scragglegirl both have bad personalities and are not attractive either. A lose lose situation. Double whammy. Is it really better to light a candle rather than rail against the darkness. Perhaps next time I’ll try a little kindness. What a nice dog! Ha!

Costa Rican Boot Camp

It’s not a good trip unless Mom throws up but I am getting ahead of myself because the trip didn’t start out that way. I set the alarm on my new iPhone for 5 am and put it on the table by my bed. When I heard ‘beep, beep, beep’ in the middle of the night, I got up, showered, and dressed – feeling a little tired but hey, it was 5 am after all. Only it wasn’t. It was only 10 pm and I had simply received a text message. Whoops #1. So I went back to bed fully clothed and needless to say didn’t sleep all that well the rest of the night.

In the interest of extravagance and convenience, I had booked a local limo company to drive us to and from the airport. They were due to arrive at 5:45 am for our 8 am flight to Costa Rica. At 5:46 am (they usually come early), I called them and woke the owner up. Whoops #2. She had completely forgotten about us despite my two phone conversations with her and signing up via their website. We loaded up the car and sped to the airport and made our flight just fine but what if I hadn’t called?

On the plane, my husband wrote on a napkin ‘Oscar Eustis à’ pointing to the seat in front of me. When this man got up to go to the bathroom, I laughed. Not even close and Oscar would be positively insulted to be mistaken for this portly gentleman whose only resemblance was some facial hair. You remember Oscar? He was regularly in the news when he was the Director at Trinity Rep, before he left for NYC.

Back to the throw up, silly me. After 12 hours of travel, a meal of rice and beans at a local soda (that’s what they call ‘em), and a three hour trip from the airport up winding, winding mountain roads, I finally had enough and told our driver I didn’t feel well. He stopped at a super market near San Ramon and once the mothball smell from the toilet bowl hit me – it was all over and I threw up. Whoops #3. In fact, I threw up so hard there were small burst blood vessels showing on my eye lids for days after. But I digress, because I did feel a lot better (except for a splitting headache) and for all future mountain drives and most other drives, I took a Gravol – kindly purchased for me by our guide Johan. It helped immensely. Overall, the trip was good but it didn’t get better for days.

Day one involved a horseback ride in the pouring rain and an afternoon of zip lining in frigid rain. Think COLD and needles stinging your face. In the instructional training for the zip lining, they told us to open our legs wide (Think CHILDBIRTH) to slow down. As I was going at breakneck speeds across hundreds of yards of canopy below, I panicked and open my legs. And there I was - eyes closed, stuck hundreds of feet from the platform, dangling in midair. I knew from the training, it was time for hand over hand maneuvering. After a few minutes of this, my arms where extremely tired and a young man came out to rescue me. There were something like nine more cables to go and I just wanted our version of Costa Rican boot camp to be over. We still had a week left. Once we got out of the rainforest and the weather, well, stopped raining, it made all the difference. What a difference a sunny day can make!

 

 

Unrelated Thoughts

Unrelated thoughts

• Even when they are not home for dinner, they want to know what is for dinner or what was for dinner. It’s all about food for these boys. What will I miss or what did I miss? And often, they will eat again when they get home from dinner at a friend’s house – whatever leftovers there might be. I can definitely tell you, as a teenage girl, if I ate dinner at a friend’s house, I NEVER asked what the family had for dinner. Because I didn’t care that much.
• Michael joked that they just keep putting the same Patriots story in the paper day after day, and week after week. It was probably almost true until Deflategate.
• When I pointed out something obvious to him, Michael said, “Good thing I can’t read. Thanks for telling me.” V. sarcastic.
• Similarly, near Halloween, when I reminded Daniel, “You can turn on the floodlight so you can see while you are sorting your candy. The switch is . . .” He said, “Mom, I think I know where the light is. I have lived here my whole life!”
• Michael announced he would like to be a color commentator for tennis tournaments. That would be his ideal job. I couldn’t tell if he was joking. He is good looking and that does seem to be a major requirement for anyone on television. Next, he said he would be the host of a cooking show. We thought this was hilarious and said he could make an egg sandwich each day, over and over. (This is what he does in real life)
• Michael made Grandma (who loves chickens) a birthday card that said: Why did the chicken cross the road? He heard it’s your birthday and he’s coming over. Complete with an aerial view of the street and our house and a cartoon chicken. V. clever.
• Now that I am not working, the kids are in school, and I am no longer taking care of my mother……………I am sorry I didn’t visit you sooner. I am so busy. Don't you get tired of people telling you how busy they are? BUT, if you wanna get something done, give it to a busy person.

Word Play and the Lawyer's Perfect Skin

There are some words you remember how to spell with simple euphemisms such as dessert is spelled with two Ss – easy to remember because you want two of them, desserts that is. Why would you want two deserts? Unless you were a camel or there were vast underground oil reserves. Similarly, I remember hearing teachers perhaps say that principal is easy to remember how to spell because he is you pal. It sounds far-fetched but it is true.

I had a principal in high school who would come over to the basket where I was shooting in high school practice and shoot with me. He would either retrieve my balls or I would pass him a few shots. His jump shot, in his three piece suit and wing tips, was not bad. Not bad at all. He was my pal for a few minutes in practice and I was one lonely kid. He smiled at me and showed a small interest in my well-being. Thanks Dr. Brady.

Now how do you remember how to spell principle? I don’t have a clue but at least you will know how to spell the one with the ‘pal’ in it and by process of elimination you may remember the other.

Lawyers have nice skin

I don’t think I will visit the lawyer anymore. It put me in a very bad mood and probably cost me in excess of $250.  It was just like the first day of school where they tell you all the work you will be doing over the course of the semester – homework, exams, major projects – the syllabus is overwhelming. And to top it all off, there are multiple lawyers in multiple states and I didn’t get a clear answer about who is doing what. I was fine before I went in there. I think I am better off doing much of the work myself and saving the estate a buck or two. 

But as I was feeling overwhelmed, I suddenly noticed the lawyer’s skin. Now she has a good 10-12 years on me, easy. But her skin, especially on the back of her hands, was like a newborn’s. Now I am exaggerating somewhat, but compared to my skin, it was positively spanking new. The backs of my hands were weathered and age spots were noticeable. I had working man hands while her hands were white as the driven snow and not a blemish or a line in site. The same for her face and probably the rest of her body (though I did not let my mind go there). Wow, she has great skin. And I tried to justify my weathered, leather body I remembered all the sun filled days at the beach and the pool and outside playing sports. She probably hasn’t been outside a day in her life as she sits slumped at her computer screen. Now I exaggerate again, but her skin, that skin. It looked like it had never seen the light of day. Good for her. Good for her skin. But my skin, was the skin of a well lived life. Cancer be damned. 

Unrelated thoughts

• ·         “Cross Country is like going in the ocean. At first you don’t want to and then you are glad you did.” Michael McGovern summer 2014
• ·         “Mom, that is the least of my worries”. . . after I wondered what Michael’s college roommate would think about his clothes all over the floor.
• ·         I thought if I gave you two laundry baskets you could use one for your clean and one for your dirty clothes. “But then I can’t see my clothes.” Michael McGovern summer 2014
• ·        “I am eating like 5,000-6,000 calories a day and I am not gaining weight.” Matt McGovern fall 2014. You will young man. You will. 

Trifecta

After a true trifecta of bad luck – my mother died (I found the body), my father-in-law died (I lost my support network of my husband for a while), I lost my job (due to an evil boss) – suddenly there were subtle signs of recovery, about two months after the grisly discovery. I pulled into a parking spot on South Main Street outside my lawyer’s office (yes I have a lawyer to help me with my unjust lay off) realizing I had about 35 cents in my wallet for the meter (this excludes the $3.50 in 50 cent pieces I have been carrying around to spend when the coin dealer told me they are each worth precisely 50 cents each). Lo and behold, there were 28 minutes on the digital display. Good because the meter doesn’t take 50 cent pieces and the 35 cents will buy me all of 11 minutes. Hallelujah I thought. O.K. things are looking up.

Just the day before, I was making copies of a proposal I was writing (to fill the void left by my job loss) and I am at the copier in Staples. Lo and behold, the copy machine is open for business without the insertion of my credit card. I figured out that someone’s card was already in the card reader (and was ready to eject and turn it in like the good person I am) but when I ejected it, I also realized it was a Staples card with $10 of credit on it. Hallelujah it was my lucky day (by the end of this I may learn how to spell Hallelujah correctly but I know from church there are multiple spellings – I can latch onto one). So I said to myself, would you turn in a $20 bill (even though this was only $10 of credit) if you found it on the floor in Staples? Of course you wouldn’t. You would thank your lucky stars and say thank you or hallelujah (is this word always capitalized?) or some other positive interjection. So I made copies of my proposals and still had 99 cents left on the card, which I stuck in my wallet.

I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t feel guilty at all. Because when the universe gives you a gift you don’t smack a gift horse in the mouth, you say thank you God, Hallelujah, and pass on the positivity. So I was feeling it - these subtle signs that my luck was changing.

When I walked into the State agency to turn in the proposal, there was nary a soul to be found. No receptionist. No employee in the designated cubicle. So I asked a young woman if the designated person had a mailbox and before I knew it people are scurrying around to help me and my old boss (who I didn’t recognize after almost 15 years and well, more than 15 pounds of weight gain) emerges and says my name with enthusiasm. Enthusiasm. After asking me how I am (I mention the rough summer, my mother dying etc.) she says “So Galen, what are you doing now?” (A spider literally just crawled out of my keyboard so I will keep you posted on this luck changing thing.) Now I take this to mean, what are you doing workwise but it could have been literal – I am delivering this proposal to you right now. What do you think I am doing?

I feel deflated and tell her I worked with ABC Company for a while but they had some difficulties……………..I trail off. Did I miss something here? Did I miss another positive sign? Was this my chance to find work? Was she looking for someone?

We talk (or should I say she talked) about her daughter who is a senior in college and calling home to ask about how to cook pasta. I remember asking my mother how to cook a baked potato. I laugh. When I told her there was no receptionist and I just wandered in, she said something about that’s how it is at the State these days. Decimated. Deflated. Injured.

I just want a job. I wanna feel good. But I am determined not to grovel. I am determined not to be desperate. I feel like someone is gonna offer me a job without my even having to look hard. I will bump into someone and they will say “Wanna job?” And it will seem interesting and I’ll think what do I have to lose? The universe will provide and at the risk of sounding like my new age sister, it will feel right.

But this wasn’t the day. (The spider just crawled out by the Esc key and I blew it away, across the room somewhere). It wasn’t the day in this time warp of a State agency. Where everyone is still doing the same thing they were 15 years ago and everyone still sits in the same cube.

This wasn’t the day. But I am still thinking my day will come. What I need to know, am I crazy? You see all this goal setting and visioning isn’t working for me. I think I am due. After the trifecta, a friend said go buy a lottery ticket. I didn’t but I appreciated the sentiment. Things come in threes. The bad luck is over and the next time I wander into an office, perhaps they will offer me a job. An unsolicited job offer – like finding a $20 bill while doing something grueling like jogging on a 95 degree day. Hallelujah.

The spider is gone and my luck runneth over. 

The Buckies Are Back

The buckies were running all last week in the mighty Saugatucket River in Wakefield. They are also called river herring, buckeyes or alewifes. Perhaps you saw the volunteers and DEM workers netting them, scooping them up over the dam. Every once in a while, as the nets were emptied, a fish slipped back and went over the dam with the continuing flow. The RIDEM even brought a tank truck and a ‘bucket brigade’ of nets filled up the tank to drive the fish up stream.

These fish are anadromous. They return from the sea each spring and swim up area rivers to spawn and then some die, some return to the sea. In the fall, the juveniles migrate back to the salt water where they spend their adult years. The survival rate for these juveniles is very low (1 percent, I am told).  

It all had me wondering, what these fish did to survive before people were netting them on their way up stream or in very luxurious fashion, driving them up stream. When the several mills were operating along the Saugatucket, were the fish able to swim up the sluice ways? When hundreds of mills were operating all over New England, how did the buckies return to upstream waters to spawn - before fishladders and volunteers could coax them on their way?

Apparently, the fish ladder in Wakefield has a design flaw and in addition when the fish miss the ladder, they will not move from their position at the dead end of the dam. That’s where volunteers and workers filled their nets, in the riffles below the dam.  

The two young boys I was with, both avid fishermen, scurried down the bank to look under the Main Street bridge. There in the shadows of the overpass, hundreds of fish pooled and rested for the continuing journey. You had to look closely to see them camouflaged in the shadows and blending with the rocks.

I told the boys there were Indian camps near this site along the Saugatucket - to harvest the herring in the spring. I also told them about a nearby store who sold smoked herring on a stick out of big barrels. They didn’t seem all that impressed but I realized I was witnessing an ancient ritual, as ancient as the sea. This return to spawn and retreat had been going on hundreds and maybe even thousands of years. If we dug along the banks of the Saugatucket, we would find remnants of Indian camps and fires for smoking and drying the fish. The years sent a shiver up my spine as we watched heavy ladened nets hoisted over the dam. But the boys just shrugged, wishing all the while with envy that they had their rods or better yet, a net or two. Then my reverie was shaken as I heard them speak of permits and fishing licenses.

But upstream from the dam, a dozen cormorants dove and resurfaced, gorging themselves on the buckies. No permit required. I wondered how many fish a cormorant could eat “in one sitting.” My son referred to this stretch of water as a gauntlet. A gauntlet indeed, between the cormorants, the dams, the obstacles and their own mortality.

Still, the boys didn’t tire of watching and wanted to stay longer. My thoughts meandered and returned to the Indians who probably marveled at this migration each spring and depended on it. And they told their forbearers who told theirs, until the traditions were altered by mills, dams, sluiceways. But still, the buckies return each spring.

Take One For The Team

I’ve been swimming alongside the URI women’s swim team for months now. One day the URI coach said “I have something for you.” As I waited, I contemplated what it might be – a workout plan perhaps. I really had no idea. He gave me an official RAMS swim cap so I could feel like one of the team. Did I mention he is so nice? Always opening up a lane for me, flagging me over to the pool that is dominated by the URI swim team. “We are only supposed to have 4 lanes,” he explained, “but if no one is here, we use them all.” So, he didn’t really think he was being nice, but I did. As a result, I decided I should get him something too, but not something I had to buy. I didn’t want the guy to feel bad. A couple days later, I gave him a copy of my CD Country Road asking him if he liked country music and explaining this was me - Galen McGovern.

A couple days later, in my swimming haze of plugged ears and lack of vision (due to the fact that I stopped swimming with my contacts in), I hear what I think is Neil Young coming from the stereo system by the pool. Hmm, is that Helpless, Helpless, Helpless? Whatever it is, it’s pretty good. I should find out who it is. Wonder why they are playing folk music? Then I realize, it’s my CD blasting away on the side of the pool. The swim coach in nowhere to be seen but I am smiling underwater.

A couple days later, I see the coach and tell him that was pretty funny playing my CD. He said we’d have to find another celebrity to swim with me in the pool. He also asked if I wrote any of the songs. YES, all of them.

And, I thought I was pretty special with my swim cap and the fact that he played my CD, but I have noticed he has given caps to other swimmers. I am not the only one…………………..but I think I might be his favorite as I doubt any of the others gave his country music.

The 378 Best Colleges

“Michael, where is that college book?” I asked.
“I thought you took it,” he said.
“I gave it back.”
So I looked in his room and found it on the floor amidst the wreckage.
“See I told you that you had it,” I said proudly.
“What are you doing in my room?” he asked.
(I can't win)

Unrelated thoughts

• My eyes are getting so bad, I bought non-alcoholic wine. It was positively putrid. Now my memory may be getting bad too – did I write about this wine before?
• Daniel said, “That is one ugly moon.” Now I have never thought of the moon as ugly so I asked why. “Because it’s not full.” Oh.
• Seen on the Domino sugar box: “We’ll always be your sugar.”
• When driving Daniel along a built up stretch of Route 2 he said, “I hate this. Where do they play?” That’s my boy.
• Daniel was doing his touchdown dance in the house and I asked what that was for. “NFL, obviously.” Oh.
• Dangerous question for a woman to ask a man: “Do you notice anything different?” Only answer I could think of that was safe is this: “You look more beautiful than usual.”
• Daniel’s latest: “I need to drain the lizard.”

Unamusing From Main Street

My mother is obsessing over her possessions and every time I see her/talk to her there is some new request for me to help her with something. Her helper says it’s a little dementia. I think as my friend Etta used to say, old people become more the way they are. And it’s not a pretty scene. She is positively obsessing about the dollar cost of things and possessions she can’t keep track of and insulting people and driving everyone crazy in the process. Does she have any redeeming qualities? My friend Nan said something about how she has probably always been this way. At least she used to ask me if I wanted a grilled cheese once in a while. Now it’s a negative energy vortex, sucking me in and sucking me down. And it sucks. It's all about her. As Nan says when we talk about old age “Bus” - meaning get hit by one before you become a burden. Bus. There are nice old people out there, aren't there?

Tips for those of us approaching old age

Be nice.

Don't be a burden. Move into assisted living if you can afford it.

Don't live alone in a house.

Have friends and a community. Stay active with something other than TV.

Realize you are f..cking old, and deal with reality like the fact that you won't drive forever. Plan accordingly.

If you have children, you do not want them to hate you - be nice.

Chicken, Little

This is the chicken I will give to my new friend.

 

I was watching one of Daniel’s baseball games and there was a handsome boy of age 3 or so who had a small rubber chicken. He was clearly fascinated with this chicken and more specifically, the butt. He kept pulling the legs apart looking at the butt, showing me the butt, putting the butt right up in my face and asking me if I could see the butt. You get the idea. It was amusing and I said several times, “Yes I see it.” Tiring of the butt talk, I told him we had chickens at home and he asked, “Can you bring them to the next game?” That had us both thinking for a minute but then the chicken was back, inches from my face “Do you see the butt?” In an instant, he was snatched away by who I can only presume was his mother. She apologized and I explained it was really no problem.

Well, by sheer coincidence or not, my mother-in-law when dropping off scraps for our chickens left me with a rubber chicken of my own. I have kept it in my purse waiting to encounter the boy again. I thought I spied him at another baseball game but he was distracted with other friends and I wasn't ready to approach him.

Perhaps tonight, when the moment is right, I will see him and ask him if he brought his rubber chicken. Whether he says yes, or no, I will reach into my bag and present him with a beautiful, new, rubber chicken. He may be disappointed though. It  is not nearly as flexible as his, the legs are fused together, and hence the butt not nearly as visible. Pity.

Unrelated thoughts

• Saw a cute old lady in the grocery store. Her items on the belt: 1 deck of cards size piece of sirloin $4.72, 1 small cardboard box of salad, 1 bagel, 1 Coke, 1 apple, 1 bag of ginger snaps, 1 small milk. Her shopping for the week? Note: Daniel did not think she was cute.
• Me (age 47): “Do you need anything?” Matt (age 14): “Mom, I am leaving in 30 seconds.” Me: Well, I have cash if you need to buy lunch and I can dispense hugs if you need one.” I did observe a small smile.
• Daniel (age 9): “There’s nothing to eat.” Me: Do you want me to make you some French toast? Daniel: “No.” Me: “Well, you could skip a meal.” Daniel: “What, I can’t skip breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day.” He settled for an egg sandwich.
• My eyesight is getting so bad I bought non-alcoholic wine at the liquor store. I used to laugh when Doug pulled out a can of seltzer instead of a beer from the fridge……………..This wine taste god awful, like grape juice with no sugar whatsoever. Positively putrid but perhaps I will find some use for it - like an innocent prank at an upcoming dinner party.



The Kitty Litter Diet

It’s not always so easy losing weight, though truly I wouldn't know. I only seem to lose weight when I am sick. But people keep telling my husband “You’ve lost weight.” He’s down over 30 lbs. from when we met 20 years ago, so this is no overnight weight loss. He looks good but he doesn’t know how to respond to the constant comments. Here are some of my ideas:

“I only eat red meat now.”

“I stopped smoking.”

“I did this great beer and ice cream diet.”

“I stopped eating fruit and vegetables and only eat carbs.”

“High carb diet.”

“I only eat eggs now.”

“I’ll tell you how I did it in one word: bacon.”

You get the idea. If he could do this with a straight face, he could have a lot of fun.

Unrelated Thoughts

• What is the point of going to McDonald’s without french fries? I read they offer substitute sides now like fruit.
• Text message from Michael: “Can you pick me up?” My answer: “No, you are too heavy.”
• Daniel thought the animated cat in this kitty litter ad was hysterical – so hysterical that he wants to use copies of the ad for wrapping paper for his friend’s next birthday present.
• My favorite expression used by co-workers in Maine about the boss: “Your lack of planning, does not constitute our emergency.”
• From my armchair quarterback position here on the sidelines, letting Wes Welker go seemed like the bonehead move of the century for the Patriots, and yet they are 4-0. The magic of Tom Brady. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Broncos win the Super Bowl and Welker scores the winning TD.
• I saw the funniest commercial on-line about tidy whities and skid marks. I think it was a real ad for Charmin toilet paper. ► 0:32► 0:32 www.youtube.com/watch?v=wo4oEdtDRPo
• Do you remember in the movie Erin Brockovich when Ed Mastry asked Erin how she had managed to gather all the chemical data from the Water Board and she responds, “They’re called boobs, Ed.” Duh.
• Last time I wrenched my neck so bad, I was trying to keep up with the triathlete in the lane next to me at the pool.
• When I was instructing Daniel about what he needed to do before we went to church: Get Dressed, Cut Your Nails, Brush Your Teeth, he said, “I can’t multi-task.”

Topedoed By A Tree

I wish I had a picture of this because one of the funniest things happened this summer. I found a beautiful black and white, barn swallow - recently dead - on the path to the beach. It looked like it literally fell from the sky. I picked it up in the palm of my hand and marveled - ignoring all past prognostications we learned as children about picking up dead animals. It was so small, I thought as I cradled it in my hand. And then, I wasn't sure what to do.

I saw a nearby tree branch, shaped like a Y and put it in the cross hairs, as if it flew in a got stuck. It was too lovely to put back on the ground.

Days later, after Daniel and I noticed insects eating out the eyes - Doug came home one morning exclaiming about two amazing sights. One: He saw a deer and her fawns frolicking along the edge of the salt pond. The fawns came complete with white spots on their rumps. Two: (This one was even more amazing) He saw a swallow that had gotten struck in the Y of a tree branch  mid-flight. He really believed this and continued on with his amazement until I said, "Gotcha." He laughed and said he was wondering how a bird could do that.

Unrelated thoughts

• There is nothing quite as stinky as a boy in a car after a cross country meet or football practice, for that matter.
• Shortly after I decided I would not drink alcohol Monday thru Thursdays to jump start my weight loss plan - I went to the liquor store. My plan didn't even last one day. But I thought and sang to myself, "If it makes you happy, it can't be that baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad." And the brilliant thoughts started flowing as I cracked open my first beer, "I drink, therefore I am." 
• After seeing some teenage boys I know in their high school  band uniforms (on Facebook) I told Matt "Good call" re: not doing high school band. 'Nough said. 
• Earlier this summer, I noticed Michael, 16,  on the beach talking to an attractive girl and I said to myself, "What are those white things?" Ah, his teeth and smiling at that. 

I Did It My Way

The signs on the house say: I Did It My Way and above the door: Believe, Dream, Wish. 

Also, note the two big brown bears. Goldylocks must be inside with the other one.

There is a log cabin that was recently built on Saugatucket Road. It replaced a little green Quonset Hut. Every time I drive by it makes me smile and laugh because there are two life size grizzly bears (not real) on the front porch, abutting the front door and there are big signs on the front of the house. “I Did It My Way” – you certainly did. And “Dream, Believe, Receive” – I’m not sure about this last one but when I go by to get the photo, I will let you know what it says for sure. It’s not as big as the “I Did It My Way” and not easily read while driving by.  I promise to get you that photo. Think of it this way – it will be something to look forward to. I have the camera in the car and my new iPhone too. That photo will be sure bet and a thing of beauty.

Unrelated thoughts

• At church they often (each week) refer to the “golden rod sheet” of announcements located in the pew. I find this frickin’ hilarious and even Matt, 14, said the other day “Why don’t they just say yellow?” My response: “Exactly!”
• “If I win the lottery, I won’t go to work on Monday,” I said to Daniel. “But you’ll work again,” he responded. “No, why would I work if I have all the money I need?” I said. “To get more money. It’s kind of obvious,” he said.
• “Why are there so many Americans on the edge of the fiscal cliff?” asked Daniel while looking inauguration photos on the front page of the paper.
• I saw something in the paper about brushing teeth in the shower to save time . . . please tell me that society is not in that much of a rush. But lately I have been rushed in the parking lot where I work. I have pulled into my parking spot, opened my door, and there are people waiting to pull into the spot right next to me – and my door is impinging their parking. I hate this. Calm the fuck down. There is a whole parking lot out there.
• My mom is calling Kris’s dog Shiva – Simba. This was a dog we had 40 years ago. 
• “They will eat you alive without a plan,” the soccer coach explained in regard to coaching boys soccer and it’s true.
• Seen in the Post Office: Cell phone use in the lobby is prohibited. There are 20 minute plus lines in the P.O. and you can’t use your cell phone. Perhaps it interferes with the pilot’s controls.
• I don’t like listening to D. eat. I can hear him in the other room right now.
• I saved the day at Sunday School recently with my new iPhone. The question was how do we determine when Easter is. It’s based on the lunar calendar and I will surely have to look it up again to remember the specifics.
• There is actually a show called the Amish Mafia. Huh?
• A little girl was being a bit of a pain in the ass/brat in the line at Stop  & Shop. Her mother theorized that she’d had too much candy on account that it was Valentine’s Day. The girl noticed the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue and wanted to get it. The mother’s response, “Why would I pay to look at those, when I can look at my own for free?”
• GOD, DOG, GOOD, DOOG
• Daniel had a trick up his sleeve in church the other day. I went up front to give the children’s sermon and when I came back to the pew there were his pants. He was long gone to Sunday School in shorts.
• Blinds and Designs truck drove by me on the highway. On the back of the van, it said: Caution Blind Man Driving.
• In reference to my song Living In Paradise – Don’t wanna go to Mexico, na na na Bahama, ah ah ah (this is the sound you make when you tell a dog no in monosyllables – not sure how to spell it) Jamaica, there’s only one Bermuda – Daniel said as we were listening to it “Hey you are describing Bermuda.” And then he thought a minute and said “Bahamas wouldn’t be bad.” And then later, “But you did mention some nice places.” After this winter, take me anywhere ..........................

Mrs. P's Pickled Peppers

These are the pickled peppers Daniel dreamed about.

Daniel and I were watching television and there was a segment of flashback on NCIS. "When life flashes before your eyes, does it go forward or backwards," he asked. Well I don't know that it really does happen but I think backwards because how would you know what hasn't happened, I replied.
He explained very thoughtfully that sometimes he has dreams that come true. In other words, he knows the future. See this fine example of the pickled peppers above. When they decided on a team name for his classroom (it was a vegetable theme), they chose Mrs. P's (name withheld to protect the innocent) Pickled Peppers for the class Jog-a-thon. Daniel knew she would pick out this fake pepper icon above from the Internet. He just knew.  He also told me he has had lots of other dreams of the future that have come true but this was the one example that came to mind.

Einstein said we think time is linear but that is just our perception. We just don't know. So the next time life flashes before your eyes, which way will you go? Forward, backward, or somewhere else altogether? You decide.

Unrelated thoughts

-I don't think men in clogs is a good look, at least in the U.S.

-Though everything is Nan's fault, including this 'hurricane' it turns out mom does not have a hernia at all but perhaps something else as indicated by a scan of her colon. A colonoscopy is next.

-Storms rarely live up to the hype in my experience. No school today. No work today. This will surely be the case tomorrow. But will Sandy pack a punch? Time will tell.

It's All Nan's Fault

Everything is Nan’s fault. Nan has been my 82 year old mother’s helper for five months now. And my mother still doesn’t know where all her clothes are after her move to Rhode Island. “I know I packed them,” she says. “But Nan probably did something with them. And Nan doesn’t know anything about clothes.” What I think she means by this is Nan doesn’t hang the outfits that go together – together. Who knows, but to give Nan a bit of a break here, my mother has clothes spilling out from every closet and giant totes in every room of the house.

She misses her old helper Sabra. “She liked what I like,” she says by way of explanation. When I ask what she likes, she replies “Clothes, shoes, makeup.” That doesn’t sound like Nan to me nor does it sound like me to me. I take her out to eat – because everyone I know likes to eat.

Mom used to be into cooking but she doesn’t do much of that anymore. She even blames her lack of meals on Nan. Apparently when Nan ran into the Stop & Shop last time, she only bought her one Healthy Choice meal. As a result, she has been eating yogurt for dinner all week. I suggested she needs to ask for specifically what she wants. Par example, “I need five Healthy Choice dinners for the week.”  Hey we all need a scapegoat and hers is Nan.

I did ask Mom if she enjoys Nan’s company and she said, “Yes, she is very nice.” She also said something about how Nan was a hippie.

So they are very different. I think in a perfect world mom would find another Sabra – someone more like herself. This could be the job description:

Helper needed for elderly woman who likes clothes, shoes, and makeup. If you are into cooking gourmet meals, even better. Duties include: occasional cleanup, running errands, going shopping for clothes, shoes, makeup and oh food. Need vivacious, cheerful companion who is a girly girl. And don’t tail after elderly woman in the grocery store. She likes her space.

I reminded her: There is only one Sabra.

Nan took mom down to TJ Max on her birthday. She told me she shopped in TJ Max for two hours and told Nan to skedaddle. I guess Nan did and when I arrived to pick her up for her birthday dinner she reminded me of Minnie Pearl in her new sweater with the price tag ($12.99) prominently hanging off her garment. It is amazing that my mother can walk around shopping for two hours but cannot walk 100 yards for any other reason. Only shopping for food and clothing seems to motivate her.

She needs a little motivation at 82. We just celebrated her birthday and she can’t believe she is that old. When she looks in the mirror she finds it completely depressing/distressing. Ah, yes beauty fades so we must rely on other things like clothes, shoes, makeup. . .Oh and more thing -  it’s all Nan’s fault.  

Unrelated thoughts

• I was talking with Michael about school pictures and explained “It’s hard to smile on command.” He agreed and noted to really smile “you need to smile with your eyes.” So wise. 
• Food for thought: Have you ever hated something you were really good at?
• Can I blame my problems on Nan?

Rosa Penis

In another age, my mother probably would have been a computer engineer. She is the only one I know, period, who can program her DVR like its slicing room temperature butter. Before the DVR, she was a wiz at recording programs when no one I knew could figure out the goddamned  VCR.  She is amazing. Doug says it’s because it’s important to her. But if you know anyone who is 82 and can figure this out, you let me know.  This is a minor miracle and goes in the who’d a thunk it category.

 

She certainly wasn’t technical in my eyes growing up, although gourmet cooking and sewing do take some technical skills. She always seemed to know exactly how many yards of fabric to buy per window for curtains. He mathematical / geometry skills are apparently in there still.

 

We don’t even have a DVR but when we get one I can call Mom for technical assistance.

 

In addition to her DVR prowess, my mother has become very adept at butchering names. She now calls Trader Joe’s, Trader Vic’s. She’s not sure why. She calls her new favorite restaurant Chinchilla’s but it’s actually named Cucina Twist. When I ask her why someone would name a restaurant after a rodent, she isn’t fazed. It’s all perfectly logical.  She calls her helper’s new grandson RO RO – that’s what I’m calling him, she says by way of explanation. His name is Rowan, I think. She also started calling her sister’s dog Rosa, Rosapina. 

 

Oh this brought up a funny story. You see when I was all of 12; my mother had a cleaning woman named Rosapina. She lived next door with a Peruvian family, the Chang’s, as their housekeeper. Well, I thought her name was hilarious and started calling her Rosa Penis. One of the Chang boys must have told her I was calling her this and she refused to come to work for my mother. Somehow, in time, my mother smoothed this over and I remember well the earful I got from my mother. At the time, this wasn’t funny at all. Looking back, its frickin’ hilarious. And that name has resurfaced as the incorrect name of my aunt’s dog.

 

Rosa Penis. Say it out loud. It will make you smile.

Eulogy for DAD

I remember when Etta died, Win said something about “good and bad and she was more good than bad.” My dad too was good and bad. I remember Liza said once “He was from the wrong generation.” Probably true, but there were things that were right about him.

Those of us that follow, inherited many of his traits – good and bad, right and wrong. Some of us have his physical traits, some of us have his mental acuity, some of us have his sense of humor, some of us have his physical quickness, some of us display his extreme frugality, most of us share his love of dogs. There may even be a couple of chess players among us.

There are many things I learned from my dad and it was more from observation. He didn’t necessarily teach you things. He told you how to do things. And many things came easy to him – athletics, academics (though he said he wasn’t a great student), music, writing . . . . he had a lot of talent.

Here are some of my observations and things I learned from my Dad:

• · Drive slow and always drive in the right hand lane on the highway (no compromises on this one).
• 
  
• ex. Passed by a teenager on Gary Rd. Didn’t tailgate while learning to drive on Falls Rd.

• · If you drink your coffee black and someone asks how you take your coffee say “Black like my heart.”
• · Learn the word perspicacious and use it often.

ex. Spent months trying to get a two year old Michael to say this word and I think he succeeded.

• · Find a good dog to love and to love you. It’s the only love money can buy.
• · Help your neighbors. He helped a divorced woman who lived across the street with legal advice and helped her install a fence in her yard. He helped another neighbor lift an I-beam for an addition to his house.
• · Family takes care of family – ‘nough said.
• · Don’t spend money if you don’t have to. He couldn’t enjoy going out to dinner even if someone else was paying because ‘they were spending money.’ Some of these traits carry thru when I hear myself say ‘Guys, we could buy a couple gallons of ice cream for what we’ll pay to go out for ice cream at Brickley’s.’ ‘Guys we could go buy some nice rolls, turkey, chips soda and eat all week instead of going out to Subway.’
• · If you buy your clothes at LL Bean, you call them your ‘haberdashery.’
• · Cars can be a topic of conversation. I heard ‘How’s the car?’ many times throughout my college career.
• · Have a lifelong best friend or two if you can.
• · If you mother has a friend who is the aunt of the President, call your mother the ‘First Friend'

His life in a box

While my mother got rid of my dad’s clothing, she saved his personal effects from his dresser and put them in a box for me to look through. It occurred to me that to some extent this was his life in a box. Much of what I sorted through defined who he was as a person.

Politics

Quote re: JFK by his father saying he just wanted to buy a victory not a landslide.

Value

There was his #12 gold filling.

Detailed descriptions of two watches he was given/inherited

Family/Sentimental

There was his hat from one summer working on the El Paso Natural Gas Co. pipeline.

Mrs. Ralph Holman Howard - engraved stamp

MBH - stamp

Photo of his brother Jim

Photo of his father

A postcard with the grave marked, address, birth date of his mother’s brother

in an American Cemetery in France – James Lee Hawkins Jr. 11-16-91 to 10-16-18

For Jeb – to be opened at my death (a touching note from his mother)

Frugality

At least three cheap, plastic, electronic watches/timers

Newport bridge tokens

Practical

There were miscellaneous keys to miscellaneous properties.

Key chains

Ancient container of spot cleaner

3 shoe horns

Flashlight

Map of D.C.

Toothpicks –hotel

Measuring tape

Screws – 4

There was a collection of outdated LL Bean coupons.

Plugs – 2

Secret, magnetic key container

Mending kits from Simsbury Inn and Horizons in Bermuda

Buttons

Paper weight – 1^st locomotive on Southern Railway System

Dogs

A very sentimental description of the life of a dog – brought home as a frisky pup, loyal friend, all the way to the dog’s demise

Leash clasp

Suki’s 3 dog collars

Spotted dog w/horseshoe - chain

Schooling

UVA law school pin

Yale bulldog

Armed Forces Qualifying test – he got a perfect score

Whimsical

Red feather from Tyrolean felt hat

An ancient condom – Dixie Deluxe

Cartoon matador figure

Game w/ die, 4 game pieces, game board

CA

Geode

Book of poems from Pear Blossom, CA

Spiritual

9 small Bibles – Jehovah’s Witness?

I was looking for a small memento to remember him by – did not find the abalone shell he had on his dresser for many years (though Sabra did later). I did not find his arrowhead collection from his early days in CA desert.

But among his belongings, was a birthday book with many of your birthdays, complete with birth year: Some of his favorite people had the birthdays of famous people listed next to theirs. Brother Jim/Al Capone/Muhammed Ali shared same birthday. Patsy/Rita Hayworth. Byron/Winston Churchill/Mark Twain, Pierce/Abe Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Jeb/Bob Newhart, Jesse James, Raquel Welch

Some of you may not share a birthday w/ someone famous . . . . but many/most of you are in that birthday book in his own handwriting.

B. Hanson, Suki, P. Lahti, M. Getches, Mioko, Bill Hansen, Nonnie, Daniel, Patsy, Christie G. Gordon McGovern, Art Dix, Mike Bontecou, Jaime, Martha, Galen, Byron, Betsey, Megan Howard, Bob Knowles, Holly Bontecou, Kris, Judy, Barbara Champlin, Margaret, Norman, his brother Jim, Georgia, Gene Santos, Bruce, Lucius, PNH/JH ’55, Doug, Pierce, Abe Lincoln, Charm, Meemaw, Pam Bazaar, Matt, Win, Richmond, Michael, Onnie, Bob G. Dana, Katin, Andrew, Cindy, Etta, Emerson, Sam, Rhys, Joe Hyde, Carolyn G. Dave G. Michael Stone, Caren G., Pam G., Colin/Matt, Debbie, Mary, his father, himself.

That is really his legacy to us – the people here in Matunuck he introduced us to.

Know he cared about the people in Matunuck deeply. This was one of his favorite places in the whole world and he passed that on to his family. We are so happy he did. And he had a very sweet sentimental side that most people didn’t see. He kept that boxed up.