Things my mother told me

-"Never let a man up in your bedroom."

-"Don't pull at a loose thread."

-"Watch the scissor tips when you cut, so you'll cut straight."

-"What's the big deal about bagels, they're just bread."

-"I don't like Chinese food."

-"So take your shirt off - you don't have any boobs yet (when I complained of the Maryland heat as a fledgling adolescent)."

-"Wow, you're easy (when we picked out my prom dress in about 5 minutes)."

-"You kind of hit the inside of the tennis ball (to serve it up the middle)."

-"Why did you have a comb in your pocket?" (after I almost died in a sledding accident)

-"You were as good a player as Suzette Guffey. Bob Pass said so." (Suzette went onto a college tennis scholarship at UVA and dated the quarterback. She was beautiful and tall and slim. A gorgeous Steffi Graf).

-"I knew you could get down." (after I screamed for what seemed like an hour in a neighbor's willow tree - in need of some attention)

-"Men get re-married because they want someone to cook and clean for them." (when a friend's widowed father announced his pending nuptials)

Things other people said

- "Sometimes an apple is just an apple." (uttered by her co-workers when a friend was probably overanalyzing a situation)

-"Guess someone got killed here too." (as we waited at a LONG traffic light at URI. This was after explaining to Daniel that a woman had been killed at a light in Wakefield - hence it's extra long crossing times)

-"These college students are such a pain . . . "(Daniel said this at the same traffic light).

-"Mom I'm just a kid." (When I was sorting thru all the crap in his room wondering where it all came from).

Hurricane Patsy

Hurricane Earl may have fizzled out but

Hurricane Patsy sure blew into town.

She's almost 80 and my mother's visit made me realize she knows what she wants. She wants ESPN 2. She wants a more comfortable bed - if you look closely you can see the piece of foam that we borrowed sticking out from under the sheets. She wants corn. She wants lobster and swordfish. You get the idea. She wants what she wants and a lot of things are not good enough.

Overall we had a pleasant visit but overall I think it is more relaxing to visit her on her turf where she has everything she wants the way she wants.

One thing I noticed about her and it's probably true of most older people - they continue with their lifetime habits. In her case, she likes to eat healthy (at least most of the time). Now it had me wondering if I was theoretically closer to death, wouldn't I just eat/do whatever I wanted? Or is it simply too hard to undo a lifetime habit? Think about it - old age could really be a return to adolescent abandon. Could be just as fun with a few more aches and pains.

After waiting out a lightening storm one work day, I proceeded to survey the neighborhood in need of a new water system. At one house, I encountered a live-body - he turned out to the owner's plumber. In the course of chit-chat about the dramatic lightning storm (which I could see flashing right outside my car window), he explained to me he doesn't care. He has a sailboat with an aluminum mast and goes out in all kinds of weather - lightning or not. "When it's your time, it's your time."

It has been my habit not to risk my life in lightening storms and I don't know if that will change when I'm 80. So I guess I can understand my mother limiting her food intake or at least her intake of unhealthy items.

Unrelated thoughts

• As I worried about Daniel getting dropped off by a friend's mom and as I worried about Michael getting back on time to babysit (I called him several times at the library) - There was a possibility I hadn't considered. In my worry that Michael would be late, Michael would forget, or there would be some other complication - the possibility I hadn't considered was that I WOULD LOCK HIM/THEM OUT! And the secret key under the back deck had not been returned to its proper place. Meanwhile I was 1.5 hours away and instructed the boys to try to get in a window. Creatively, they pried off the screen with a spatula.
• It took me the longest time to realize that baby carrots are, well, not baby carrots at all but carrots shot through some kind of lathe device that cuts them down to sizes and shapes consumers like.
• While shopping at our local boutique market (it's more expensive but alot more pleasant), I realized there is a down side. "Paper or plastic?" "Do you want your meat in plastic?" "Do you want your milk in the bag or separate?" There were a few more questions I can't remember and I know the help was trying to be nice but what the fuck? Excuse me. But I don't need/want all these choices and thinking while I am paying for my groceries.
• Latest Daniel quotes: "Maine should be a one horse town." This came out of nowhere while driving through rural Maine. "I don't want to be in the major leagues." This was uttered after soccer practice where unbeknownst to us he was playing with the under 10 team when he isn't even 7 yet. Whoops! Who typed in the wrong year for his birth on the damn electronic sign up?

Money continued: Worth more dead than alive

Just as I was thinking about money, my social security statement arrived in the mail. I also received a $3.92 rebate from Staples. A friend of mine said, "I hate those things" referring to social security. But I, on the other hand, love them. I find them very comforting.

Here's a breakdown of my estimated benefits:

-If I retire at 67, I'll have $1,430 per month.
-If I retire at 70, I'll have $1,807 per month.
-If I stop working at 62, I'll get $956 per month.
-If I am disabled, I'll get $1,269 per month.

But here's the best part. I am literally worth more dead than alive to my family - in the monetary sense only:)

-If I die this year, my child will receive $1,007 per month.
-If I die this year, my spouse caring for my child will receive $1,007 per month.
-If I die this year, my spouse will receive $1,343 until retirement age (about 20 years!)
-If I die this year, my total family benefits cannot be more than $2,467 per month

That last figure is not TOO short of my take home pay now. So, minus my expenses (eating, eating out, drinking, minimal annual clothing purchases), I am almost worth more dead than alive.

What this cheerful flyer also made me realize, is if I want to have approximately the same income I have now when I retire (assuming Social Security exists), I only need an additional income of about $1,200 per month. Assuming I start saving in my 401K and assuming I might inherit a smidgeon of resources and assuming I wisely choose an investment property or other investments with my resources - this figure is doable. I will be able to retire!

However, I will not have enough for nursing home coverage. Perhaps this is good news as well.

Money

I went from a feeling of sedate security to outright money panic in less than 24 hours. How did it happen? Well, I heard the news that my father (retired attorney) and my mother finally put together a will/trust. This was such good news! and I thanked God outright that they finally paid the money to protect their money and designate what they want done with it - if there is any left. Other pluses, there will not be a legal mess to deal with when they die and who knows? perhaps I will inherit a little security.

Though I have very little detail about their will, this secure feeling was nice and necessary as I have literally $450.00 in my 401K. I've cashed out various 401ks over the years as employment has changed for - bills, trips, a car, finishing the basement etc. So you see the thought of inheriting even a small amount of money brought me comfort - as I have nothing.

This peaceful, easy feeling however quickly faded upon having financial discussions with my father-in-law, among others. When talking to him, I quickly realized that my parents have enough income to support likely one of them in a nursing home. This realization quickly made me realize that I have NO income to support myself in my old age - not to mention nursing home coverage. Good God, if I make it to nursing home age - I will need $150K per year to live in nursing comfort. I don't even think social security will exist for me in 23 years but if it does and I am still living here - it will not even cover my taxes by then.

Good news a few days later I returned to my relatively normal peaceful state by simply not thinking about money at all.

Now I realize this money panic thinking is not productive. But I also realize that prudent planning is necessary. Even if I start saving now, I may have say $100K by the time I retire. What will that get me?

It's important to realize that people with oodles of money do have money problems and worries. Just look at the owners of the Dodgers who are divorcing . . .It would also be great to find out for oneself that oodles of money doesn't make you happy.

How to strike a balance? I really think the only thing one can do is to think abundant thoughts, think it will all work out, think I will have enough for my needs. Because the alternative is pretty scary. I've been there.

Unrelated thoughts

-A friend who visited Wisconsin described it this way: lots of beer, beef, and cheese

-I received far better service at Home Depot than I did at my bank. Who do you think will keep me as a customer?

-"I'll be with you shortly" doesn't make me feel particularly good.

-Seen on a beat up pick-up truck: "Reading and Spelling Tutor"

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

Most of what I've learned I've forgotten but I do know that a picture is worth a thousand words. Only except I don't have one of me in my bikini. Not only is no one home to take a picture of me in it, they took the camera. I promise I will post a picture next time - if you can stand it.

I barely can and don't know what is prompting this. Perhaps it is a mid-life crisis of sorts - I want to do something I didn't do in my youth. Although for me, that is complicated. You see I have a thick scar that literally cuts across half my belly from a sledding accident I had when I was 11. My kidney ruptured and was removed. Arthroscopic this operation was not. It looks like I was sawed open with a buck saw. As a result of that and a proclivity to chubbiness, I never wore a bikini except one summer when I was 12.

Anyway, you get the idea. So for some reason, I decided I would wear a bikini this summer. And yes I am very self-conscious about this. For one thing I am not as slim as I would like to be (who is? unless of course you have an eating disorder or are seriously ill) but the bigger concern is the whiteness.

You see this stomach has almost never seen the light of day. The contrast between my tanned body parts and the whitest stomach you have ever seen is striking.

But this is one of those get outside of your comfort zone challenges. It's kind of exhilarating in a weird way. First I wore it to a local swimming hole after asking Doug if I was too fat to wear the bikini. He said no - after years of training in answering these kind of remarks.

But I think my anxiety rubbed off on Daniel. He thought people would and were making fun of me. Maybe they were - I don't know.

The second trip to the pond was not as big a deal for me and Daniel.

A third outing to the beach was still O.K. although there were people I actually knew well and my friend starting singing 'It's an itsy bitsy teeny weenie . . .' Still I went swimming in front of the group and sat for a while in the bikini on the beach - very conscious all the while of the white belly rolls normally covered up by a one piece. Shortly thereafter, I slipped on my shirt.

And although I am working to be less competitive - I did notice people on the beach who were wearing bikinis and fatter than me. I admired their nonchalance.

A few days later while out driving with the family, Doug began talking about possibly getting a shotgun and Michael joked about this being his mid-life crisis. I wear a bikini/Doug gets a shot gun. But Doug explained to Michael that men in the midst of such a crisis get little red sports cars - not shotguns for deer/turkey hunting. Hmm.

Unrelated thoughts

• Someone said this to me at a conference - "Even a blind squirrel sometimes finds the nut," only I had no idea what he was referring to. Me?
• Daniel said, "Who put the A/C on?" one morning (this was a while ago) when we woke up to unseasonably cool air. I explained we don't have A/C.
• After a recent doctor's visit, I pondered that it would be nice to have some of my doctors as friends, although I realize this is next to impossible.
• Keep your car locked or you may be the victim of a zucchini drop - whereby a rogue gardener leaves a bag of zucchini in your car.
• I recently donated eight pounds of cucumbers and peppers to the local food pantry. This felt good.
• My latest quote of wisdom to da boyz "I don't know everything about everything." In fact as I stated in the beginning of this article - most of what I've learned I've forgotten.
• Doug is tired of doing things that don't benefit him directly and for which he is unappreciated. Sounds a lot like a housework, work, or life in general - although I did sympathize.
  

What makes a good spouse? and other thoughts from France

Daniel with our tour guide Neil. Daniel sat shotgun most days and talked Neil's ear off.

Examples: "Do you golf?" "Have you ever seen 'Man vs. Wild'?" "Do you know any words in Turkish?" On and on.

A scene along the route of the Tour de France in Varzy.

If you are wondering if this picture goes along with the headline - you have good reason. What does a chicken have to do with being a good spouse? A sense of humor in this case.

My niece had a book while we were on vacation entitled something like "Should I Get Married To Him." This of course prompted my nosy nature and questions like "Does he pass the checklist." He did and does and marriage sounds imminent.

More travel is in our future to weddings of cousins and nieces across the globe.

And of course I put in my two-cents about marriage. Though as I explained I don't hold myself up as any kind of model, my thoughts are as follows:

• Having the same values is pretty key.
• Sharing a sense of humor and being able to laugh with your spouse is important.
• Do you want children? (Assuming you are still of childbearing age)
• There has to be a little spark. When you see him/her across the room at a crowded party - do you feel it?
• I also told her you'll know and you already know.

Wisdom for the ages - I know. Now I don't know about you, but I didn't read a book or complete a checklist to get married. I just did. But now I realize that my spouse and I, we do share all of the qualities above, as well as common interest. Though I do have limited interest in rocks - his hobby. And yes you can fall more in love with someone as time passes.

Unrelated thoughts on our trip to Paris

• I was relating a story about cousin Seth's friend walking around the grounds of the Louvre (very nice) because he had no money whilst in Paris for admission fees. Daniel asked, "Why couldn't he just go to the bank?" You see abundance is limitless for him still. As the Church Lady used to say "Isn't that special?"
• Our flight to Paris was delayed for three hours because they didn't have a pilot - good reason. As you know, air travel these days SUCKS and it was never that great to begin with.

More Lessons

• Don't eat frozen veggies when fresh are in season
• Eat fresh food - no more meat in styrofoam. Eat more fish/salad.
• Eat good cheese - not Monteray Jack for example. Although Matt told me today he didn't eat any of the cheese on the trip.
• Enjoy life more. Slow Down. To the French, "Time is more important than money." They got that right - as well as art, wine, food and fashion.
• Set the table
• Get chickens.
• Don't each too much - though we ate alot, we didn't gain weight. The portions are smaller.
• Less stuff/less clutter - though I've known this for a long time.

No LEG to Stand On

My sprained ankle (not broken) has slowed me right down.

You really can find a bright side in almost any situation. Now this ankle injury sucked outright and as I was literally falling on the pavement I had a couple thoughts:

1) Fuck

2) What the fuck was that

3) Shit

What it was was a small, golf-ball sized rock in the road that I did not see. Jogging can do that to you. My other two severely sprained ankles from 20 years ago came as a result of jogging. As I was jogging down the home stretch (after sitting all day I decided I wanted to get out and sweat), I was day dreaming thoughts about how jogging cannot be anonymous - everyone sees you. And then WHAM.

As a self-conscious person, I immediately looked around to see if anyone had seen my clumsy fall. And yes down the straightaway a car was coming and slowing down to see if I was O.K. No I was not O.K. but when the woman initially asked if I needed a ride I demurred and said something like "That's O.K., I live close by."

I actually think I was in a mild form of shock and due to my self-conscious nature I felt compelled to explain to this stranger about the rock in the road. I also quickly came to my senses and hopped over to her passenger door.

She drove me home and said "You never could have made this" and she was probably right but she doesn't know about the shortcut through Mr. Stedman's house and I didn't mention it.

Immediately upon entering the house, I went upstairs to get a couple of Advil and then downstairs to begin icing the ankle.

The next day, at Doug's prompting, I went to the doctor. He insisted I get an x-ray. So yes it was a very bad sprain but that's all.

And the sprain has cancelled my dog walks and any form of exercise. It has made me ask for more help from the three boys. It has evoked some nice sympathy from people. But mostly it has made me slow down. I am always rushing to fit things in that I deem important. I am always doing. The ankle mellowed me a little and made me literally put my feet up (with ice) and watch the news.

Unrelated thoughts

• It's started. I was officially ignored by my 5th grader at a school function. It's not cool to wave at Mom at Field Day or let her give you a hug at graduation. And yes it kind of hurt my feelings.
• Love is an emotion very close to hate at times.
• While sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting for my x-ray results, I browsed the U.S. News and World Report magazine. There was only one problem. The article I wanted to browse had been ripped out - "Most promising careers for the new economy." A true sign of the times. If and when I need a new job, I wanted to know what was hot.
• Did I tell you how the squirrel or unidentified varmint went down Doug's newly planted corn row and removed each carefully placed seed? Now Doug has installed some elaborate chicken wire contraption over the row and I am wondering if that same wire will strangle the full grown corn stalks or will he remove it by then?