Eulogy for DAD

I remember when Etta died, Win said something about “good and bad and she was more good than bad.” My dad too was good and bad. I remember Liza said once “He was from the wrong generation.” Probably true, but there were things that were right about him.

Those of us that follow, inherited many of his traits – good and bad, right and wrong. Some of us have his physical traits, some of us have his mental acuity, some of us have his sense of humor, some of us have his physical quickness, some of us display his extreme frugality, most of us share his love of dogs. There may even be a couple of chess players among us.

There are many things I learned from my dad and it was more from observation. He didn’t necessarily teach you things. He told you how to do things. And many things came easy to him – athletics, academics (though he said he wasn’t a great student), music, writing . . . . he had a lot of talent.

Here are some of my observations and things I learned from my Dad:

• · Drive slow and always drive in the right hand lane on the highway (no compromises on this one).
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• ex. Passed by a teenager on Gary Rd. Didn’t tailgate while learning to drive on Falls Rd.

• · If you drink your coffee black and someone asks how you take your coffee say “Black like my heart.”
• · Learn the word perspicacious and use it often.

ex. Spent months trying to get a two year old Michael to say this word and I think he succeeded.

• · Find a good dog to love and to love you. It’s the only love money can buy.
• · Help your neighbors. He helped a divorced woman who lived across the street with legal advice and helped her install a fence in her yard. He helped another neighbor lift an I-beam for an addition to his house.
• · Family takes care of family – ‘nough said.
• · Don’t spend money if you don’t have to. He couldn’t enjoy going out to dinner even if someone else was paying because ‘they were spending money.’ Some of these traits carry thru when I hear myself say ‘Guys, we could buy a couple gallons of ice cream for what we’ll pay to go out for ice cream at Brickley’s.’ ‘Guys we could go buy some nice rolls, turkey, chips soda and eat all week instead of going out to Subway.’
• · If you buy your clothes at LL Bean, you call them your ‘haberdashery.’
• · Cars can be a topic of conversation. I heard ‘How’s the car?’ many times throughout my college career.
• · Have a lifelong best friend or two if you can.
• · If you mother has a friend who is the aunt of the President, call your mother the ‘First Friend'

His life in a box

While my mother got rid of my dad’s clothing, she saved his personal effects from his dresser and put them in a box for me to look through. It occurred to me that to some extent this was his life in a box. Much of what I sorted through defined who he was as a person.

Politics

Quote re: JFK by his father saying he just wanted to buy a victory not a landslide.

Value

There was his #12 gold filling.

Detailed descriptions of two watches he was given/inherited

Family/Sentimental

There was his hat from one summer working on the El Paso Natural Gas Co. pipeline.

Mrs. Ralph Holman Howard - engraved stamp

MBH - stamp

Photo of his brother Jim

Photo of his father

A postcard with the grave marked, address, birth date of his mother’s brother

in an American Cemetery in France – James Lee Hawkins Jr. 11-16-91 to 10-16-18

For Jeb – to be opened at my death (a touching note from his mother)

Frugality

At least three cheap, plastic, electronic watches/timers

Newport bridge tokens

Practical

There were miscellaneous keys to miscellaneous properties.

Key chains

Ancient container of spot cleaner

3 shoe horns

Flashlight

Map of D.C.

Toothpicks –hotel

Measuring tape

Screws – 4

There was a collection of outdated LL Bean coupons.

Plugs – 2

Secret, magnetic key container

Mending kits from Simsbury Inn and Horizons in Bermuda

Buttons

Paper weight – 1^st locomotive on Southern Railway System

Dogs

A very sentimental description of the life of a dog – brought home as a frisky pup, loyal friend, all the way to the dog’s demise

Leash clasp

Suki’s 3 dog collars

Spotted dog w/horseshoe - chain

Schooling

UVA law school pin

Yale bulldog

Armed Forces Qualifying test – he got a perfect score

Whimsical

Red feather from Tyrolean felt hat

An ancient condom – Dixie Deluxe

Cartoon matador figure

Game w/ die, 4 game pieces, game board

CA

Geode

Book of poems from Pear Blossom, CA

Spiritual

9 small Bibles – Jehovah’s Witness?

I was looking for a small memento to remember him by – did not find the abalone shell he had on his dresser for many years (though Sabra did later). I did not find his arrowhead collection from his early days in CA desert.

But among his belongings, was a birthday book with many of your birthdays, complete with birth year: Some of his favorite people had the birthdays of famous people listed next to theirs. Brother Jim/Al Capone/Muhammed Ali shared same birthday. Patsy/Rita Hayworth. Byron/Winston Churchill/Mark Twain, Pierce/Abe Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Jeb/Bob Newhart, Jesse James, Raquel Welch

Some of you may not share a birthday w/ someone famous . . . . but many/most of you are in that birthday book in his own handwriting.

B. Hanson, Suki, P. Lahti, M. Getches, Mioko, Bill Hansen, Nonnie, Daniel, Patsy, Christie G. Gordon McGovern, Art Dix, Mike Bontecou, Jaime, Martha, Galen, Byron, Betsey, Megan Howard, Bob Knowles, Holly Bontecou, Kris, Judy, Barbara Champlin, Margaret, Norman, his brother Jim, Georgia, Gene Santos, Bruce, Lucius, PNH/JH ’55, Doug, Pierce, Abe Lincoln, Charm, Meemaw, Pam Bazaar, Matt, Win, Richmond, Michael, Onnie, Bob G. Dana, Katin, Andrew, Cindy, Etta, Emerson, Sam, Rhys, Joe Hyde, Carolyn G. Dave G. Michael Stone, Caren G., Pam G., Colin/Matt, Debbie, Mary, his father, himself.

That is really his legacy to us – the people here in Matunuck he introduced us to.

Know he cared about the people in Matunuck deeply. This was one of his favorite places in the whole world and he passed that on to his family. We are so happy he did. And he had a very sweet sentimental side that most people didn’t see. He kept that boxed up.

Driving Lessons

There are signs Mom should not be driving. She hasn’t been doing it for one. She has her keys and simply chooses not to. Her helper said, “I think she knows.”

Other signs include backing into a man with a motorized grocery cart in the Stop & Shop. A car is a lot bigger than a motorized cart.

She told me she used the car one day, not that she could have kept it from me, because her wheel was up on the ‘curb’ of the driveway.

Today, she had a doctor’s appointment at 3:30 p.m. and she was wondering what she would do if she was in a panic and got lost. You see she doesn’t remember the roads and routes here anymore even though she lived here for 15 years. She explained her longterm memory is intact but not the shortterm. So some old routes she used to take she remembers – sort of. Well I gave her my cell number in case she got herself in a panic but there has been no call. I can only assume she made it to the doctor’s and will make it home.

I did give her a driving test the other day. As we drove to the grocery store, it was apparent that turning from a full stop was not her forte. I said a couple times, you need to pull way up so you can see. I got the impression she would just take her chances and pull out if I wasn’t there in the car. On the straight aways she was better but missed a turn or two – she blamed me for talking and distracting her. Her parking also had me worried though I am not typically a passenger and am a little skittish - it sure seemed like she came awfully close to clipping the car next to hers.

It’s role reversal. I remember clearly how she wouldn’t let me drive home after I got my driver’s license. I remember clearly how she used to pump the ‘air brake’ when I was learning how to drive. And her outstretched arms bracing themselves on the dashboard stay with me still.

My 80 year old boss thinks she should keep driving. Think of it like a big golf cart, he said. She needs some independence. Hmmmm. We’ll see. First fender bender and she’s out of the driver’s seat for good. As for me, I’ll stick to the driver’s seat with her if we have to go somewhere. Even if it’s a golf cart ride away.

I tell you what though, I was impressed how she hustled right around the grocery store on foot no problem. Food can be a great motivator. And when I asked her if she could push the cart out into the parking lot she got very insulted, “I’m not dead yet.”

Unrelated thoughts

• I found a new job. It's a sinecure: an office requiring little or no work, especially one yielding profitable returns.
• My co-worker says mom needs a boyfriend. "There's a cup for every saucer."
• Sometimes something has gotta give in our busy lives. In my case, it's the garden. I promise some day I will have a garden with nary a weed and gorgeous, brown earth between the rows.

Gay Paris

Well, I have been in Paris all week for a meeting for work. There have been some fun times and there have been some lonely times. Primarily, I do not like eating dinner alone. But all in all, this is a nice residential neighborhood where most people do not speak English. I personally think that is very cool - though with my limited French I cannot have conversations with anyone except the clerks at the hotel.

I have a few mishaps - was going the wrong way on the subway the other day and got caught in a wicked downpour also. As I jogged thru the streets of Montparnesse in my see thru white shirt - I acutally got very lost. Someone directed me in the approximate direction but I was so turned around and had no map or money with me. Lesson: bring money and a map when venturing out in strange cities, especially where you don't speak the language well. Eventually, after one hour, I found Rue Suffren. So I did get my exercise that day. And I can tell you when I go out walking I am the only person wearing running shoes in the whole city.

When I went out for dinner tonight I put my flats and my blazer on to be more chic. The French dress. Women are walking around the subways in four inch heels.

Obsevations of French Life:

Everyone is rushing around the city at full speed but then they'll stop for an hour to have coffee at a cafe.

There is great people watching here especially watching older ladies riding bicycles.

French people are thin and I mean thin. They look positively scrawny compared to Americans.

The American accent stands out as flat and awful after hearing musical French all week.

Making yourself understood is very important and that's hard if you don't speak the language well so sometimes you get what you get when you order in a restaurant par example.

Smoking is alive and well and wafting all over Paris.

One of the meeting participants who divulged to me he is an alcoholic advised me to treat myself well. Oui, je sais. He was speaking in regard to my new role as 'caregiver' to my mother.

Summer

I love summer. It's my favorite season hands down. I love the warmth, refreshing swims, and especially the light. Because even if you are working, you can enjoy the day and the light - before or after work. One of my favorite things is walking the dogs early in the morning - waking up with the world. Wouldn't it be great if we could at least have the light all year round? I could do without cold and I think I'd be fine. A little, fall-like chill every once and a while would satisfy the need for refreshing air and good sleeping weather.

Anyway, you get the idea. And when I expressed the above sentiment to the family about loving summer Michael said, "But mom, you are working" - as if I didn't get summer.

He's right to some extent. I don't get summer like they do. When school ends, you have this expanse of summer days and endless possibilities sweeping before you like an everlasting dream. But the season is still here and I am not dead yet. Plus I have a couple weeks vacation coming at the beach.

Also, I discovered something. You can go on a mini-vacation after work. I left work one day at 4 p.m. and took the boys to the beach. We stayed for only an hour or so but it was glorious. It was one of those 92 degree days and a good ten degrees cooler at the beach. The temperature was perfect - although it felt cool when we first walked up to the beach from the parking lot. The water was so refreshing. I felt very present enjoying that hour and very blessed to live in this gorgeous state.

I thought to myself, "Could anything make this more perfect - a beer for example?" No, the sun was just the right angle, the warmth on my skin was soothing. PERFECT.

In an aside, I was worried this morning because I lost my blog notebook with all my wonderful ideas I jot down. It's always in my purse and it is missing. Perhaps I left it at work. I'm pretty sure I did. Still, I felt a real loss. If all those humorous ideas are gone, there will be others but those are surely lost because I can't remember. Unrelated thoughts will be an addendum when I find that notebook. Until then, enjoy the most glorious season of all - summer!

UNRELATED THOUGHTS

• When a pack of women walked by me in the graveyard and admired Buster, one of them said, "Pollen?" in regard to the brownish, yellowish smudge on his back. "No, he rolled in something," I called and they recoiled in minor horror. Later I found out it was poop, pure and simple.
• Have an older friend who calls you kiddo. It won't bother you so much when you're in your 40s or older.
• Seen on Honey Dew Donuts sign: Peach Muffins Yahoo
• Boredom stifles creativity.
• I asked Michael, "What are you doing today?" Response: "Mom, it's raining." Duh
• Is it a coincidence that sun rhymes with fun and rain rhymes with pain?
• "Mom, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Michael said this one morning - referring to me making him an egg sandwich. I thought it was funny so I did.
• When I asked Michael about my new painting he said (and I quote), "Mom, we're guys."
• Extreme coupon shopping - I watched a couple buy 35 rolls of paper towels and 50 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos. Why?
• Some of these cool summer mornings/nights I walk by houses literally with dollar bills pouring out their AC window units. Why?
• I told Daniel we had a dog once who only used the dog house once in his life - when he died. Daniel proceeded to tell me it was a "portal." Did any of my loyal readers use that word when you were 8?
• A radio show announced a free trip giveaway to Paris, France. Did they really need to say France? I suppose it could have been Paris, Texas.
• Daniel: "Mom, is your work fun?" "No, sitting in a chair all day is not fun." Daniel: "Hey that's what I do too in school." He then proceeded to tell me about how thinking about Matunuck and Maine helps get him through the school year. "Me too. Me too."
• Rule for living with teenagers: Speak only when spoken to.
• Aren't you glad I found my notebook so you could read all these incredible insights?

I wrote a poem today

To only look out, from these eyes
And not see myself grow old
The brown spots on my skin
That sprout growths

I long for the white marshmallow skin
I've seen in diners
Of rural, midwestern towns

Women whose flabby arms
Stayed in the shade
Their pale white faces belie the sun drenched damage

Oh, to only look out
And feel I am still a girl
Flawless

But I didn't know

Unrelated thoughts

• It occured to me that many days I feel like a typing monkey at work or a drone in a bee hive.


• Daniel wanted to be sick so he could use the computer, drink Gatorade and watch T.V. He got his wish and I told him I'd buy him Gatorade if he got what Matt had (5d fever, 2 d malaise). Day 6 was today!


• Now he wants to be well and didn't show me the thermometer saying "It's 98.6." When I made him take his temp. again he said, "Oh look it went up." He's ready to get back to school.


• There is something to be said for endurance. I made it 1 year at my job.


• Seen on the Honey Dew Donut sign : "Peach muffins are back." I didn't know peach muffins where such a big draw. In fact, I've never had a peach muffin.


• Daniel told me I had paint in my hair. I told him I thought it was gray hair. "Well, there's a lot of it, " he remarked. "I'm getting old ......" I remarked back. "Aren't you 43. . . . ?" he said. A few years short, but I'll take it.


• Bumper sticker: "Don't believe everything you think."


• "I've waited 56 years for this" said my mother in regard to moving/keeping all of her furniture from her 3,600 square foot house which sold for full price. This in itself is a minor miracle. A major miracle would be getting her to downsize.


• Beware of the coxsackie virus.

Songs from my new album

can be found on You Tube. Here are the links:

Big Boned Gal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taABZxD4JwQ

Woman I Know

http://youtube/RsORs3huPxs

Daddy Daddy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INDgfCwBmgI

Country Road

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ar9b6Rdolgo

Does your furniture have a hold on you?

Have I written about this before? How women of a certain age have a penchant for wanting to hold onto all of their furniture. I am talking all of the good stuff they have accumulated throughout their lifetimes. Take my mother for example.She lives in a 3,700 square foot home and is seriously contemplating staying put 1,000 miles from family because she wants to keep ALL of her furniture. Say what? She expressed some such notion this way: I waited my whole life for this. . . Not me. I feel like I could move into one room easy. Downsize me to a monk’s cell and I could be happy. The simplification and the shedding of possessions would make me very light. Very light indeed.

Somy mother is contemplating staying ALONE where she is - in her dream home surrounded by her beautiful things that she has waited her whole life for.

But I’ve got my eye on a 1,100+ square foot little place for her less than a 10 minute walk from the house. This would be perfect and cozy for one but she worries about the lawn, snow etc. and wants a condo – even though she’s not in a condo now. She is obsessed with the pricey condos at Wakefield Meadows because, you guessed it, she can keep all of her furniture in the 2,200 square feet. The cozy cottage I’ve got my eye on has a nice brick fireplace and hardwoods, it’s one level, with a nice yard. I think there’s even a sunroom of sorts. Practical –yes. Dream home – no. And there are three boys within a ten minute walk or a three minute bike ride who can move her lawn and shovel her walk. Also, we can conveniently pick her up to drive her places rather than travelling across town to get her. Note: she will not be driving herself much longer.

This is not a furniture survey of one mind you. I have witnessed this recurring theme with two other older ladies. My poll of three has all living in houses far toobig for them. And in my mother-in-law’s case – she has two houses. One is for furniture and one is for living (I am not kidding).

This (waste) wouldn’t be an issue if multiple generations still lived together.

A friend said he had one word for my mother: IKEA.

I have one word for my friend: YES.

Things are just things but when you are in your 80s apparently not.

Unrelatedthoughts

• I think John Travolta probably did offer reverse massages to the masseurs.Supposedly lots of Hollywood stars are gay and pretend not to be. Who knew?
• I think the odds are high that I will be the one to find my boss (80) dead in his office. Confession: I periodically think about this when I see him cough or gasp for breath.
• How to get your teenage son to hate you more? Tell him you are taking him for a phone upgrade and detour to the barber for a haircut. Note: I have not actually done this.
• Poor Matt has had a high fever for 5 days – probably just the flu but blood work may tell a different tale. I told my boss if I get what he has I’ll be out all next week. I told Matt that this illness could kill an elderly person. . . .but I did not tell my boss this.