My little angel

Innocent or guilty? You be the judge.

I know. I know. It's been a while since my last blog entry. And there is no excuse for that or my e-book that I started on this site and have let drop. And things are not going to get better in that regard. I am about to get busy with a new job. But then again you never know. Sometimes when you have too much time - you do nothing with it. And sometimes when you have less time, you write or paint or whatever it is you do - for sanity's sake. To say, yes I do have some control over my life. And even though I am busy or board out of my mind, I will be creatively satisfied. Even if it takes some determined organization, scheduling and efficiency. In fact, I have noticed that sometimes when I am my most busy, I am my most creative. Those brain cells get firing and the ideas flow. Let's hope!

In the meantime, I've discovered random scratching, or keying on the paint job of my relatively new car. Upon closer inspection, the letters D A N I were clearing visible on the hood. Upon closer questioning, DANIEL revealed he was writing in the frost of my car one morning. Writing with what? A rock? He claims it was only his finger. My little angel has one sharp finger. Note: He did apologize.

Unrelated thoughts

• 
  
  In the, THERE IS A GOD DEPARTMENT, my aunt and another older woman told me that they know some older women who have lost weight and actually look older with their sunken in cheeks. So keep on those pounds ladies. You don't want to look like a shruken up old woman.


• 
  
  When recording some vocals for my new CD, the producer said to me: "We are not making a Brittany Spears album" - implying that every note does not have to be perfect. What? I am not the next Brittany Spears?


• 
  
  Travelling on a recent road trip, Daniel said, "That is my favorite sound - like a heartbeat" as the road joints rolled on by. . .


• 
  
  On the same road trip he said (I groaned), "This is very entertaining for me" referring to the license plate game.


• 
  
  On the same road trip (it was two days in the car - each way) he asked Michael if he had a girlfriend. No. "You should try to get one," Daniel said. Why. "So you can get married." Of course.


• 
  
  Bumper stickers on the same road trip: Visualize whirled peas. Caution: Driver singing.


• 
  
  The benefits of a suntan include making your teeth look whiter. Who knew?


• 
  
  As my aunt chopped up carrots and celery her then three year old son asked: "What are you doing?" She told him that she was going on a diet and he asked: "Oh, can I go too?"


• 
  
  A life governed by fear, is no life at all. Prior to our road trip my mother remined me not to go in the ocean, because there are sharks, to ask about bedbugs at all hotels, and to beware of purse snatching outside the Marriott. "Excuse me, but do you have bedbugs here?"

Unrelated thoughts only

• It's starting. I am not kidding - I suddenly forgot the last two digits of my social security number while filling out a form at the doctor's office.
  
• What will I occupy myself with for the next three months? Time will tell, but according to Doug sometimes employment can be better than unemployment. Wise words.
  
• Classic line from Daniel in the midst of snarfing down a big bowl of something sinful: "Oops, I forgot to eat healthy!"
• I hugged Michael, 14, the other day and he said in an indignant tone "What are you doing?"
• A car pulled up next to me in the parking lot - to park, while I was practicing singing along w/ the professional music for some new songs. They quickly pulled away like I was a crazy person.
  
• There were two brothers over the other night - 7 and 5 and I realized that I am passed the wild boy stage. They were wild and I felt like my mother, to a degree.
  
• Toto nipped the younger one "He bit me the boy yelled." No blood. No foul.
  

Silent power - scene IV

The next day, I proceeded wearily out of the house in my PJs, bathrobe and slippers to retrieve the paper. No I wasn’t feeling too peppy after a night of drinking and dancing and little sleep. When I got inside, and opened up the paper, I found my next instructions. Horoscope: It’s extremely tempting to overexert your influence – perhaps by interrupting, talking too loud or overtaking a situation that is not exactly your business. Instead chose silent power. Hmm. Silent power, I thought. Silent power. Uggh. I quickly ran to the toilet with the dry heaves. Maybe it’s a good day for silence, I thought. After a long hot shower, some strong black tea, and no breakfast I managed to get myself to work not much later than usual. I saw Terry and brought her a coffee that I had picked up on-route. “Whose idea was the dancing anyway?” I joked. “Whose idea were the shots?” she asked. Uggh. I see Brad approaching and avoiding him is almost impossible. “Hi, how are you?” he asked. Uggh. “Late night?” he wondered. “Mmmm. Hmmm.” I muttered. “Wanna try lunch or are you walking again?” “O.K.” I replied. Though I had momentarily forgotten all about the silent power thing, I wasn’t feeling too talkative anyway and I heard Terry filling him in on our wild night as I slowly made my way to my cube. Later in the morning my boss asked me to come to his office for a discussion about a nasty co-worker. She was so nasty she had tried to sabotage my reputation with colleagues, had my computer password changed to try to prove I was trying to break into the secure network, and I had even caught her snooping through my desk. “It’s all public information” was her guilty reply. “What’s your take on Mitchell,” he asked, using her last name. Though I thought she was a cancer for the entire office all I said was “I’d rather not comment, but she could certainly be more of a team player.” Later Terry told me she heard the boss on the phone saying (I am not kidding) “That Alex knows when to keep her mouth shut. She’d rather not focus on the negative.” When Terry asked me about it later she said, “Why didn’t you say anything about that bitch? You hate her.” No response. “Oh no don’t tell me it was the horoscope thing. What did it say today?” As I hear her rustling in her adjacent cube for the newspaper. “Silent power?” Terry stated incredulously. “And here I thought you were just hung over. “That too.” I said. Later that morning, Jim, our department head popped his head in and immediately started laying in to me. “Why isn’t that project wrapped up yet? I was supposed to be done nine months ago. I had Purchasing coming up my drain. They want that money spent. The books cleared. How about it Alex?” After the tirade I said, “I’m not offering any excuses (though there were plenty of people who hadn’t given me their final reports to compile). I’ll take care of it by the end of the week.” I decided I would put this project to bed one way or the other. I was tired of being dependent on others to fulfill my deadlines. I would proceed with some creative writing. “O.K. Alex that sounds good,” Jim said, a little humbled. He immediately ran into the big boss and said, “She said she’d take care of it by next week.” “I’m sure she will,” said the boss. “She knows when to keep her mouth shut and when to put her nose to the grindstone.” After this drama and about an hour of creative writing to get the project report done. I heard Brad’s voice. “Ready?” he asked. I smiled and followed him to the door. He definitely looked nice from the backside but I resolved to stick to my silent power over lunch. And I listened and listened over lunch to details about his family, childhood, and hobbies. I interjected a question here or there but mostly stayed quiet or silent if you will. He seemed to enjoy himself immensely and I surprised myself by finding most of the talk quite interesting – even with my pounding headache. Later Terry, the office busy body, ran into Brad in the break room and asked him about our lunch. “She’s great,” he gushed. Oh God. I started to get nervous butterflies when she told me that. Relationships were one of my greatest fears. In fact, I’d only had one boyfriend a long time ago and that ended badly. Yikes.

Scene III

Brad came to my cube at 12:30 p.m. promptly. I like a man with good timing.

"O.K. ready to go," I said a little nervously and proceeded to head for the exit.

I had changed into my spandex workout pants, a sleeveless shirt, and running sneakers. Brad, meanwhile, had taken off his coat and tie and rolled up his shirt sleeves.

I looked down at his shoes as I held the door for him. "You gonna be able to keep up in those?" I asked.

"Not a problem," he said.

I scampered down the stairs and he quickly followed.

"So do you walk a lot," Brad asked.

"No I just started," I explained but I didn't get into the whole horoscope prediction of all my dreams coming true with fitness. "Just trying to get in shape," I said.

I could hear Brad huffing and puffing as we exited the building.

"Well, you walk fast . . . ." he said as he jogged a little to keep up.

That was about the extent of our conversation. I was so hell-bent on getting my heart rate up and concentrating stride for stride that I almost forgot about Brad entirely.

After a half hour of huffing and puffing and hoofing it up six flights of stairs, I said, "Well thanks."

"Yeah, thanks," he said, sounding a little bewildered at the whole experience.

Back at my cube, I was sweating profusely. Terry popped her head up. "So what did you two talk about?"

"Not much. I was walking really fast. It wasn't exactly conducive to conversation."

"You are clearly out of your mind," Terry said. Just then the phone rang.

"No I can't make it today . . .Maybe next week. Yeah. O.K. Thanks." Then I hung up.

"Who was that?" Terry asked.

"Oh, it was that job I told you about. Being the public relations director for the Coastal Institute. It was nothing. They were just calling for a follow-up session tonight."

"And why pray tell couldn't you make it tonight?" Terry asked.

"Because you and I are going out."

"Out where?" Terry asked.

"Out dancing. Right after we go to the Y."

"And that's more important than your dream job?"

"Yes."

"But you wanted that job."

"I know but my horoscope said: fitness first and the rest will follow. Plus I don't want to appear desperate."

"Wait, wait, wait. Your horoscope?"

"Yeah."

"You are crazy."

"Maybe. But what if it works?"

"So why the dancing?"

"It's supposed to be a high energy night."

Unrelated thoughts

• I give myself permission to write complete and utter crap.
• I might die of boredom someday - but not today.
• Seen on a bathroom door at Crazy Burger: The light is on the outside. That's deep.
• What is the male equivalent of a mistress?
• Doug said I seem to be happier knowing this job is ending . . .
• Can humans really live with only two weeks of vacation?

Scene III

Scene II

I was feeling giddy with excitement when I schlepped out to retrieve the paper the next morning.


Horoscope

The things you really want are interconnected. Make health your top priority and other unrelated personal goals are attained in the process. It's a cheerful, high energy night.


Wow. This is just what I need, a little direction, I thought. Immediately, I picked up my feet a little higher and strode a little faster on my way back into the house.


After a shower, coffee, getting dressed (not necessarily in that order) I eventually got to work - thinking the whole non-descript ride about the excitement of losing 20 pounds. Though I wasn't exactly sure what my unrelated personal goals were - I would attain them all with health and fitness. Perhaps a job I loved. A man of my dreams. What else? The world was my oyster.


I would walk/jog at lunch and not eat. I would hit the gym after work. I would have a salad for dinner and no alcohol. (I'll see about that last one).


I had made up my mind and very little work got done that morning as I day dreamed at my desk about getting fit. And I quickly realized if I didn't initiate work in the form of conversations, emails, phone calls - I received none in return. Do nothing and have nothing to do.


In the midst of a very good day dream - picturing my rippled abs as I strode the shoreline in my bikini - Brad popped his head in.


We were friends, no more but occaisionally I sensed some subdued flirting.


He was over six feet tal, fit, nice, funny but I had been in countless seminars warning employees not to get involved with a fellow employee. And he was a fellow alright. So I didn't pursue it or give him any encouragement. Apparently, he had other ideas.


"Wanna get a bite for lunch?" he asked.


"Oh, gee thanks. I have something going on today. Maybe another time."


"What about a drink after work," Brad asked.


"Oh boy, you caught me on a bad day."


"O.K. That's too bad. Dinner?" he asked coyly.


I shook my head no and had a big frown on my face. He tried to remain upbeat but walked away a little dejected.


Immediately, my friend Terry from the next cube popped her head up.

"You stupid idiot. How many times have I heard you whine there are no decent guys and here's one asking you out and you don't take the bait. Why did you say no?"


I didn't give Terry an answer but scurried after Brad. "Do you exercise?" I asked.


"Well, sure what did you have in mind?" he replied.


"Do you wanna walk at lunch?" I asked shyly. "How about 12:30?"


"O.K." and he smiled. It was a real, genuine, handsome, knock you off your feet smile.


I didn't know when he would eat but I didn't care. I would be multi-tasking and that was very productive indeed.

An Earth Shattering Experiment

Dear Readers: I am ready to rock your world as I draft a story/screenplay/novel before your eyes. Note: It will be the draft, not the final version. But I think this will get me motivated to get this story down and then I can polish, rearrange, edit after I have say 100 plus pages. What da ya think? Are you game for the ride? As you may know, I have been laid off and literally have three months before school gets out. There is no time like the present to write the rough draft for my award winning story/screenplay/novel. And don't worry I will still have Unrelated Thoughts at the end of the regular postings (I hesitate to write daily - but will try for weekday daily additions).

WORKING TITLE - Decision Points (but that is the title of George W.'s new book . . .)

My horoscope said that I was listening to my body more. Well good. After getting laid off for the second time in two years and consuming copious quantities of chocolate raisins and pretzels – I needed a little positive reinforcement. It was time for a change. In fact, I had no option but to change – change had been forced upon me. “You don’t have a seat at the table. The music has stopped and you don’t have a chair.” This is how my boss told me I was being let go. “No promises were made,” he explained and they weren’t. But still, what to do now?

For the first couple of days, I wandered around the house cleaning out cupboards, closets, and sorting through clothing to donate to some worthy cause. Aimless is a good word for me. I needed a purpose. I needed something to do. I needed to see Pam. An angel on this earth and source of much needed no nonsense wisdom.

We set the date for a pow wow in her kitchen with a bottle of good red wine.

Scene I – Pam’s Kitchen

“Pam I’ve had it. I have no job. No man. No life. I can’t seem to make decisions that are good for me.”

“I don’t think that’s true. You have a lot going for you. You have a Masters degree. You aren’t bad looking – I am not hitting on you, by the way. You have skills.”

“What fucking skills. I am generalist, who needs more confidence and could be a lot more outgoing. It just seems like I am picking the wrong jobs, men, everything. How do I know I am making the right decision next time. For example, should I apply for this job here (points to paper). Who knows I could be very good at administering a housing program.”

“Let’s see. You could flip a coin. Flip to a page in the bible for guidance. Look at your horoscope. Look at Chinese fortunes. How often do you take out Chinese food?” (Alex not paying attention – drifing off)

“Pam remember that Jerry Seinfeld episode when George decided to do the exact opposite of what he thought he should do.”

“No.”

“No? Well I can’t remember the exact examples but say George thought he should say something in a job interview, he would say the exact opposite and would get the job. I had a similar type of brainstorming idea today. If my instincts are so wrong, why not just do the opposite? But then I thought that only gives me two options. I just felt kind of lost today and I am not sure what I want to do. I’m just frustrated because I can’t seem to achieve my goals.”

“A new philosophy never hurt anyone. Why not just do nothing for a while and assume you will figure it out? What are your goals by the way? And what do you want to do?”

“That’s the point exactly. I don’t know what I want to do. So I’ve decided to give up my goals and self-help books and do something akin to George Costanza – go with the flow but when I have to make a decision about something, I am going to rely on my daily horoscope.

“So you have gone completely mad.”

“I don’t know. Today for instance my horoscope said I have good timing. So if I need to make a decision today, I will do so confidently with the knowledge that I have good timing. “

“You sure seem excited about this. I hope it works for you. But what about plain, simple common sense?”

“Oh, that’s what I have been doing. And it’s no fun. Common sense is overrated. Look what happened with Kevin. I prayed and prayed and it fell apart. Mrs. Chapman, my favorite neighbor, told me to follow my heart and I’ve had my heart broken ever since.”

“Alex, remember Kevin already had a girlfriend and you pursued it anyway? Remember I said, ‘I don’t know why you are doing this.’”

“But he asked me to marry him . . . .”

They both grab for the wine and fill up their glasses reminiscing about old times and old boyfriends.


Unrelated thoughts

• The laughter never ends. Daniel has asked me to spell 'up' and 'ip' in the last few days.
• Daniel had a friend over and dug through the woodpile to show him logs that looked like a hambone and a chicken leg.
• Doug told me to fill up my time with things I want to do. Otherwise it will get filled up with stuff I don't want to do.