Scene II

I was feeling giddy with excitement when I schlepped out to retrieve the paper the next morning.


Horoscope

The things you really want are interconnected. Make health your top priority and other unrelated personal goals are attained in the process. It's a cheerful, high energy night.


Wow. This is just what I need, a little direction, I thought. Immediately, I picked up my feet a little higher and strode a little faster on my way back into the house.


After a shower, coffee, getting dressed (not necessarily in that order) I eventually got to work - thinking the whole non-descript ride about the excitement of losing 20 pounds. Though I wasn't exactly sure what my unrelated personal goals were - I would attain them all with health and fitness. Perhaps a job I loved. A man of my dreams. What else? The world was my oyster.


I would walk/jog at lunch and not eat. I would hit the gym after work. I would have a salad for dinner and no alcohol. (I'll see about that last one).


I had made up my mind and very little work got done that morning as I day dreamed at my desk about getting fit. And I quickly realized if I didn't initiate work in the form of conversations, emails, phone calls - I received none in return. Do nothing and have nothing to do.


In the midst of a very good day dream - picturing my rippled abs as I strode the shoreline in my bikini - Brad popped his head in.


We were friends, no more but occaisionally I sensed some subdued flirting.


He was over six feet tal, fit, nice, funny but I had been in countless seminars warning employees not to get involved with a fellow employee. And he was a fellow alright. So I didn't pursue it or give him any encouragement. Apparently, he had other ideas.


"Wanna get a bite for lunch?" he asked.


"Oh, gee thanks. I have something going on today. Maybe another time."


"What about a drink after work," Brad asked.


"Oh boy, you caught me on a bad day."


"O.K. That's too bad. Dinner?" he asked coyly.


I shook my head no and had a big frown on my face. He tried to remain upbeat but walked away a little dejected.


Immediately, my friend Terry from the next cube popped her head up.

"You stupid idiot. How many times have I heard you whine there are no decent guys and here's one asking you out and you don't take the bait. Why did you say no?"


I didn't give Terry an answer but scurried after Brad. "Do you exercise?" I asked.


"Well, sure what did you have in mind?" he replied.


"Do you wanna walk at lunch?" I asked shyly. "How about 12:30?"


"O.K." and he smiled. It was a real, genuine, handsome, knock you off your feet smile.


I didn't know when he would eat but I didn't care. I would be multi-tasking and that was very productive indeed.

An Earth Shattering Experiment

Dear Readers: I am ready to rock your world as I draft a story/screenplay/novel before your eyes. Note: It will be the draft, not the final version. But I think this will get me motivated to get this story down and then I can polish, rearrange, edit after I have say 100 plus pages. What da ya think? Are you game for the ride? As you may know, I have been laid off and literally have three months before school gets out. There is no time like the present to write the rough draft for my award winning story/screenplay/novel. And don't worry I will still have Unrelated Thoughts at the end of the regular postings (I hesitate to write daily - but will try for weekday daily additions).

WORKING TITLE - Decision Points (but that is the title of George W.'s new book . . .)

My horoscope said that I was listening to my body more. Well good. After getting laid off for the second time in two years and consuming copious quantities of chocolate raisins and pretzels – I needed a little positive reinforcement. It was time for a change. In fact, I had no option but to change – change had been forced upon me. “You don’t have a seat at the table. The music has stopped and you don’t have a chair.” This is how my boss told me I was being let go. “No promises were made,” he explained and they weren’t. But still, what to do now?

For the first couple of days, I wandered around the house cleaning out cupboards, closets, and sorting through clothing to donate to some worthy cause. Aimless is a good word for me. I needed a purpose. I needed something to do. I needed to see Pam. An angel on this earth and source of much needed no nonsense wisdom.

We set the date for a pow wow in her kitchen with a bottle of good red wine.

Scene I – Pam’s Kitchen

“Pam I’ve had it. I have no job. No man. No life. I can’t seem to make decisions that are good for me.”

“I don’t think that’s true. You have a lot going for you. You have a Masters degree. You aren’t bad looking – I am not hitting on you, by the way. You have skills.”

“What fucking skills. I am generalist, who needs more confidence and could be a lot more outgoing. It just seems like I am picking the wrong jobs, men, everything. How do I know I am making the right decision next time. For example, should I apply for this job here (points to paper). Who knows I could be very good at administering a housing program.”

“Let’s see. You could flip a coin. Flip to a page in the bible for guidance. Look at your horoscope. Look at Chinese fortunes. How often do you take out Chinese food?” (Alex not paying attention – drifing off)

“Pam remember that Jerry Seinfeld episode when George decided to do the exact opposite of what he thought he should do.”

“No.”

“No? Well I can’t remember the exact examples but say George thought he should say something in a job interview, he would say the exact opposite and would get the job. I had a similar type of brainstorming idea today. If my instincts are so wrong, why not just do the opposite? But then I thought that only gives me two options. I just felt kind of lost today and I am not sure what I want to do. I’m just frustrated because I can’t seem to achieve my goals.”

“A new philosophy never hurt anyone. Why not just do nothing for a while and assume you will figure it out? What are your goals by the way? And what do you want to do?”

“That’s the point exactly. I don’t know what I want to do. So I’ve decided to give up my goals and self-help books and do something akin to George Costanza – go with the flow but when I have to make a decision about something, I am going to rely on my daily horoscope.

“So you have gone completely mad.”

“I don’t know. Today for instance my horoscope said I have good timing. So if I need to make a decision today, I will do so confidently with the knowledge that I have good timing. “

“You sure seem excited about this. I hope it works for you. But what about plain, simple common sense?”

“Oh, that’s what I have been doing. And it’s no fun. Common sense is overrated. Look what happened with Kevin. I prayed and prayed and it fell apart. Mrs. Chapman, my favorite neighbor, told me to follow my heart and I’ve had my heart broken ever since.”

“Alex, remember Kevin already had a girlfriend and you pursued it anyway? Remember I said, ‘I don’t know why you are doing this.’”

“But he asked me to marry him . . . .”

They both grab for the wine and fill up their glasses reminiscing about old times and old boyfriends.


Unrelated thoughts

• The laughter never ends. Daniel has asked me to spell 'up' and 'ip' in the last few days.
• Daniel had a friend over and dug through the woodpile to show him logs that looked like a hambone and a chicken leg.
• Doug told me to fill up my time with things I want to do. Otherwise it will get filled up with stuff I don't want to do.

The Old and Young

After whining about the weather (more snow), I talked about attitude and took a vote. "Is this glass half full or half empty?" I chided those who did not vote at all. One boy said he voted twice. "You may have a career in politics," I heard myself say into the microphone to congregational laughter. This attitude discussion seguayed into a mid-life crisis discussion by way of - when people reach a certain age and think their glass is half empty. "What is a mid-life crisis anyway?" Kids say the darndest things. "It's when people are old and depressed." Yes, yes. Now these apostles were too young for that but what if they had a mini-life crisis and were a little grumpy - what could they do? Dance. Play Wi. Read. Watch a funny movie. Talk to someone. Think happy thoughts. Pray - we were in church afterall. All very good suggestions to pull us out of a mood. Now God help us to see our glass as half full because an attitude of gratitude does make a difference.

Unrelated thoughts(the best kind)

• When Matt asked how to write a cursive J it came to light that Matt signs his initials 'MJM' because otherwise "It just looks like alot of squiggling lines."
• "What is that thumping?" asked Daniel in a good immitation of me, as I apparently thumped my foot on the floor while playing my guitar.
• When Daniel asked me my favorite animal and I said dog, then cat - he said, "No, no not something that's a pet." "Mom's favorite animal is a blue footed boody" he repeated around the house after I gave a non-pet answer.
• Daniel's favorite joke these days is "Spell icup." I think my reply is equally funny - "E-Y-E-C-U-P." But he doesn't get it because I don't think he knows how to spell eye.
• A couple things I've done lately outside my comfort zone - give the Children's Sermon at church (to rave reviews - see excerpt above), skiing downhill on intermediate slopes in single digit weather. It's all kind of exhilarating and seemed to feed some joy. Next up, I shall try painting a wave with other wine drinking ladies at a friend's painting studio. I don't think I've painted since kindergarten. And that was with my fingers.

Things happen for a reason

If things happen for a reason, then why did I lose my job? I guess I am meant to do something else or do nothing at all. Here are a couple comments I received after losing my job:

• Give yourself a royal break. Do unemployment for as long as you can. Follow your bliss! Make more amazing music.
• You are going to be fine. I think life is giving you a gift.

Now I have learned to be grateful to the gifts from the universe so I will take on this new challenge with a grateful heart. (It's not always been easy for me to receive gifts.)

And speaking of hearts, three of us got the same fortune in our fortune cookies the other day : "Great thoughts come from the heart."

"It's a sign," I said. "I've gotta write this down."

Michael thought I was clearly crazy and said matter of factly, "It's because they mass produce them.

Great thoughts, why not?

A colleague, who will likely have some work for me, seemed like she would be freaking out without health insurance but I've looked into catastrophic and it's not so bad - $450-650 per month for the family and it includes basic check ups, prescriptions etc. Not really much more than I'm paying now.

But back to the concept of things happening for a reason - I think you can find a reason - but when really bad things happen is there a reason? Is there a reason for one of my sister's mental anguish? I simply think no.

And why did Matt leave/lose his snow board on our first day skiing in Vermont? To irritate us all? To help him remember things in the future. To realize the value of a dollar when the ski shop charged him $175 for the lost/stolen board?

As we drove up Route 30 to the Bromley Ski area from Brattleboro, Daniel said, "I have a bad feeling I left my skis." "Look in the back," I suggested. Matt told him they were there but quickly realized his snowboard was not. It was a very bad moment. A very bad moment, indeed.

At the ski area, we were surrounded what I will call 'beautiful people.' Families with wealth, looks, and regal bearing. Note: I don't necessarily put us in that category. There were also no fat people at the ski area. I guess fat and skiing don't jive.

On one ride to and fro the ski area (we went 2 days) Daniel (who is always asking what my favorite such and such is) asked me what my favorite word was. "Serendipity." The funny thing is no one asked me what it meant. That stopped the conversation cold.

Serendipity. Perhaps when we say things happen for a reason - we discover new talents, new ideas, and new ways to pass time. New ways to persevere.

I still can't find a reason why Matt lost/left his snowboard at the little town hill in Brattleboro.

But perhaps my readers can enlighten me.

My layoff is imminent

"Your money is running out. I'm going to have to dump you after march. The music stopped and you don't have a chair." So said my boss and so said my layoff is immiment. Now I don't want to bum anybody out, but I like this job. And yes, I knew that it was temporary - fueled by stimulus dollars. But I did a good job, a damned good job and I am feeling sorry for myself today. So I figured writing about it may help me sort things out. What can I do now?

• Create the garden of my dreams. The kind of garden where nary a week grows and little old men are seen scratching the dirt to prevent any stray seeds from sprouting.
• Volunteer to be a chaperone for Michael's trip to D.C. in May. He would love this.
• Write a damn good novel.
• Finish a damn good album #2.
• Give myself a royal break for a year, or however long unemployment lasts with no goals and no expectations. Like a sabbatical without the pressure of accomplishment.
• Get megafit - walk, swim, bike daily.
• Spend the summer with the boys going to the beach each day.
• Help get my parents situation sorted out OR not.
• Complete household projects like painting the heating baseboards or sanding that little patch of wall filled with spackle and painting it over.
• Train at the food pantry and become a regular volunteer.
• Follow my bliss.
• Look casually for other jobs. There's not much out there and I don't want to sound like a deadbeat but I really don't want to get locked into a regular 9-5 job with 2 weeks of vacation. I would rather pick up a few projects - one potential contract w/ DOH comes to mind for $30K/year. I have a couple other ideas. String a couple of these together and I would have a nice salary without being boxed in.

• I think the best answer is to do things that bring me joy. Some of the things on this list don't feel like joy but chores. Joy. Joy. Joy. That sounds like the best idea.

Celebrating Valentine's Day, or not . . . .

When Daniel saw this envelope just like this, he said "Why red?"

When I got together with my musician friends the other night I reminded them "don't be stupid" in regard to Valentine's Day. These men were discussing the commercial nature of the day and contemplating dropping the holiday altogether.

Kudos, I guess, to the couples that avoid the commercial pressure and skip celebrating Valentine's Day altogether. One colleague said, "It's Valentine's day here, every day" referring to her household. They don't celebrate.

Another acquaintance makes a habit of celebrating two days later.

I do know it has become a commercial conundrum akin to Mother's Day (originally called Merchant's Day) and Father's Day but how can you not cave into the pressure to tell someone you love them? It doesn't mean you have to buy stuff or spend a lot. Saying you love someone is a good thing - assuming it's true. A good thing. We all need people who love us, even for a day.

I bought Doug some chocolates but a chocolate craving on Sunday had me digging into one bar of dark chocolate - so I gave him two-thirds of the bar a day early before I consumed it entirely. Once he had eaten that and was rummaging around like old Mother Hubbard for more dessert - I came through with the chocolate orange - present #2 - fully intact, I might add.

"I wouldn't eat both your Valentine's Day presents, I explained. Planning ahead can be dangerous when it comes to chocolate, so I was lucky.

I suppose if you and your significant other both agree not to celebrate Valentine's Day, it's O.K., it's fine but I found myself pining a little for a nice bouquet of flowers that night - a day or so after I ate Doug's chocolates.

Unrelated thoughts

-"I wish my girl was this dirty" - seen on a dirty white pick-up at URI.

-Speaking of vehicles, I miss real bumpers.

-Sorry but I don't think men in clogs is a good look.

-Booze cakes - headline in the food section. No thanks.

-From Daniel, the source of most of my inspiration in my socially deprived world. "There are three people in my class who are the best people. One is me and the other are girls . . . Elizabeth and Catherine." Why I wondered. "They can read really well."

-In the blessing in disguise department, my parents have priced themselves right out of a nursing home in RI.

Don't be a burden

These pants along with a full basket of laundry

were lost to a tube of oil paint in the drier. How

the heck do you spell dryer anyway?

Now I know this column is called Musings which conjurs up thoughts or amusement and believe me I usually try to keep it light. But, there is nothing amusing about my elderly parents at the moment. Dad is ready for the home and they really can't afford it. Mom is clueless and is thinking she's going to live in a fancy, fancy world without him. Meanwhile the piles of junk mail and piles of clothes in her bedroom may swallow her up altogether. READERS: Please do not move away from your family when you are 75!

I have been praying for a solution and guidance and have only come up with one clear answer. Do nothing. Because they are virtually trapped in their existance and cannot sell the two properties they bought in NC. Perhaps my mother can get him in a nursing home down there and continue to live in the house for a couple of years . . . . Perhaps the solutions will simply unfold. Doubtful, but you never know.

Unrelated thoughts

• While watching a Raiders of the Lost Ark movie last week, Daniel said "This is my favorite singer." It was Elvis singing "You Ain't Nothin' But a Hounddog." That boy's got good taste, I must say.

• In the one in a million department, Doug accidently knocked a tube of unopened turquoise oil paint into my laundry basket of wet clothes. In the course of the drying cycle, all clothes were covered with blotches of turquoise paint. Note: some of the darker clothes are salvagable but I did lose my favorite pants etc.

• Who bathes and washes themselves clean and then puts on the same dirty clothes again? I can think of two boys I know - who are trying to break the habit with my help.