This side of paradise

After five days in Bermuda, with the bluest water you've ever seen, flowering shrubs everywhere, and truly white/pink powdery sand - Rhode Island indeed looks kind of drab. Now I've always thought Rhode Island was a pretty place, but it is indeed all relative. Rhode Island is more of a palette of green. Oh and did I mention Bermuda has topography with sweeping views of the sea. I said to my Aunt who grew up in Bermuda, I don't know how you can even swim in our ocean or step on our sand, if you grew up with this. She never gets tired of the beauty, she said. She always appreciates it. The trip made me want to get some more flowering plants in our yard. It also had me wondering - what are we doing living here?

I fell in love with a man from Bermuda once and going back I think at least half of that love was the magic of the place. The beauty is extreme. That and also it's like a second home for me - my mother is Bermudian. It feels like going home.

Some things noticed while away

• The babysitter couldn't believe the volume of eating posted by the three boys. Get a piece of banana bread while it's hot or you won't get any.
  
• I couldn't believe one of my son's constant talking upon return, still can't.
  
• I felt impatient and uptight compared to the Bermudians I met. Living in a beautiful, laid back place certainly has impacted their personalities in the best way. And they are very friendly to visitors.
  
• Doug and I were both kinder and more loving while away with just the two of us and no interruptions. He helped me with my bag, asked me if I wanted a muffin, there was the occasional touch on the knee . . .you get the idea.

Unrelated thoughts

• Daniel took out a video of Roots from the library. Now this mini-series has certain sentimental value for me because it was all over the television when I was 11 years old. I just happened to be in the hospital for quite a length of that run and was absolutely captivated by the characters and story. Viewing it today, it all looked a little, I'm sorry, cheesy. The fake accents and acting just seemed way overdone.
  
• I am taking lessons from a friend with a blog who wrote about gardening and said 'a little each day.' I am taking the same approach - otherwise gardens and life can be a little overwhelming. A little each day - so weeding or whatever isn't drudgery.
  
• I am still debating about what is the right approach with children - drive/push them to excel or let them find their own motivation. I suppose it is my self-perceived lack of achievement that wants more for them. In terms of athletics, you may be very, very good at a sport but that doesn't last too long. There are countless stories of excellent high school athletes whose 'careers' end with graduation.
  
• Michael ran the 400 meters in something like 67 seconds at a track meet. While waiting for the track bus to arrive at the school, I ran the 400 in 2 minutes and 20 seconds. Don't think I ever could have run as fast as him even in my prime . . .
  
• The 'Boy who runs in chinos' has remembered his track uniform most days but did run in heavy blue jeans at a practice once or twice. I told him about swimmers who double up their suits in practice so they can feel sleek and fast in the meets with one suit.

• Good god, speaking of swimming. An 80+ year old friend wrote a book about swimming which I enjoyed very much. I enjoyed the tips for my lap swimming and the anecdotes about his life. The good god part is this - did you know that swim teams in the early years of swimming practiced in the nude? He said this in his book. Hence, the men and women's teams did not practice together. I must ask him about it when I see him. "I enjoyed your book very much. Did you really swim in the nude?" This was at Brown no less.

My Family - a portrait in textiles by Daniel

Above: Toto. Below: The rest of the family

Well what to you think of this family portrait? I have a couple of observations. First Danny and Matt look approximately the same even though they are almost 5 years apart. I think Daniel must see himself this way - on par with his older brother - which explains how advanced he is at such a young age. Likewise for Michael and Dad, who look approximately alike but are almost 35 years apart - although Michael has 2 more strands of hair. It is interesting to note that both Michael and Doug have blond hair. Doug has never had blond hair - in fact his hair is mostly gray or non-existent at this point. I think some of my observations are a reflection on the variety of materials available i.e. there was no gray yarn. OR, gasp, no one else in kindergarten has a parent with gray hair.

I have the most hair with three full strands of black hair and Daniel has clothed me in fashionable khakis with a nice floral shirt. Yes, I would wear something like this.

I also like how I am the most prominent person in the photo - rising or hovering slightly above the masses.

While Dad and I are smiling, the boys have very flat expressions. Perhaps that's a reflection on their recent lists of chores . . .or their boredom, I am not sure.

The biggest omission in the portrait is Toto - and he is Daniel's most favorite thing in the whole world, so I have included a recent photo above.

Unrelated thoughts

• We received a direct deposit in the amount of $158.13 from FEMA for our flooded basement. What this is for, I am not sure. Possibilities: My 2-3 hours of time dealing with FEMA, gasoline for the water pump, cleanup supplies at Home Depot, disposal costs at the local dump. Frankly, I was grateful to receive anything but when I heard a friend's elderly, low income parents only received $1,000 for a completely flooded basement including a destroyed burner and washer/dryer, I was a little disheartened.

• FEMA also told me they recognize what a difficult time this was for me and my family.

Well I really set out to write a humorous essay about my experience with FEMA but the whole experience has me pondering the inefficiencies of our government.

Yes, our basement was flooded like many other people on March 31 and for the next two weeks! At the prompting of a friend who said, "My friend in Biscuit City already got her check from FEMA," I stopped by the FEMA tent at the Wakefield Mall. The recognizance team will be there until May 28. There are police, multiple personnel, an RV. It's a federal response to a natural disaster and it takes time.

To make a long story short, in the course of registering (0n the phone bank) and visiting the various stations I must have recited my address five different times. I guess I shouldn't expect much more from a government bureaucracy. Similarly, to qualify for FEMA money, you also have to apply for a SBA loan. Now I don't want a loan like most people - I want free money. But they suggested I keep my options open. How can anyone argue with that? But I digress, the point I want to make about inefficiency being that the federal government in its wisdom sends out one inspector for FEMA and another for the SBA. It is no wonder our country careens deeper and deeper into debt.

The mitigation specialist seemed like a very nice man but probably insane with Alzheimer’s. It was at this stage the receptionist removed my all important checklist and this caused mitigation great angst. He couldn't understand the simple words "She took it" or "I took it" and kept looking because he thought he misplaced it.

As I pondered government efficiency, lo and behold the inspector called me to set up an appointment that same day. And my check is in the mail - NOT!

I did get some packet from FEMA a few days after the inspection that seemed to suggest I apply for a loan - I think. It wasn't exactly a form letter and I'm not sure where it ended up.

BUT, I do know that we need to re-finish that basement because now the boys are all watching T.V. in the living room, leaving their dirty dishes all over that room (and socks), and generally upsetting any relaxing T.V. watching I used to do on occasion in the evenings.

And a happy mother is the key to a happy family - don't ya think?

What I learned on my vacation

• On my vacation with the three boys and one husband, I realized almost immediately that 'vacation' is a very loose term - especially when you travel with kids.

• From day one I also realized that the volume of food the three boys eat in a day is extraordinary. And much more than I realized.

• It's not work per se that is stressing me out - it's more the combination of children and work.

It all had me thinking about what is the ideal family vacation? I actually think we already know/have this down (exotic locales aside). It's a couple of weeks at the beach where the boys know and have friends to play with. In other words the ideal family vacation involves kid occupation and adult relaxation. There's gotta be something for the kids to do sans adults and vice versa. Sweet Matunuck is coming this August for two whole weeks though Michael did say the trip to Florida was awesome. I have had awesomer. He also said Matunuck is his favorite thing in the whole world. I guess he wins either way.

Though someone suggested a resort vacation with kid activities may be the ideal vacation, I am not big on the artificial, contained environment.

Yes I have had awesomer vacations sans kids. Sorry guys, it's just the way it is - the energy, the noise level, the responsibility for meals. I can actually be more relaxed at home drinking a beer (or two) on the front porch in the dappled sunshine - as the boys play in the yard. Their muted voices blend with the song birds and vice versa.

Misery loves company

Yes, our finished basement was flooded and it still has water in it. A bummer I know but I was listening to something the other day that said even in times of trouble we can find things to be grateful for. So here are my lessons from the flood.

• Life is unpredictable to be sure and we absolutely have no control. It's good to be reminded of this every once in a while so you don't take yourself or your tasks too seriously. Enjoy the moment like the sunshine warming your back as you load up another trailer with construction debris.

• I am grateful only our basement was destroyed and not our whole house - like some people.

• We had to move our keyboard upstairs due to the water and this has certain benefits. The boys practice more and with all the chaos now upstairs - my piano teacher suggested that my concentration will improve.

• We have gotten rid of a lot of stuff and that is a great thing.

• Though my brain cells don't always fire like they used to - I can follow complicated instructions like starting a gasoline powered pump. Instructions include turning it on, adjusting the choke, and priming the pump.

• The boys made $8.75 in about 30 minutes sitting down at the corner with our junk. After that they put up the free sign and all but a table went. Turns out Doug needs this table after all.

• The Xmas decorations won't smell moldy this year as they are upstairs in my closet now.

• We got six years out of our finished basement. When Doug called a friend to borrow his trailer he said, "I am unfinishing the basement."

• I got rid of a lot of stuff (this is the biggest benefit!) and this has me very intent on some decorating/making the house look nice. I have already rearranged the boys' rooms and want to re-do all the rooms with the help of a friend who has a very good eye and nice style.

• Matthew did his laundry because his clean clothes weren't coming fast enough as we were pre-occupied with the flood.

• We have been talking/commiserating with the neighbors. Misery loves company and I believe this flood has brought us closer together.

• In fact, it probably has brought the family closer together because we only have one primary room to congregate in.

• The boys are all helping Dad with the work in the basement and seem relatively cheerful about it.

• This flood has been something to open up a myriad of conversations with people. The only thing is when people say their basement was O.K., you want to secretly ring their neck.

• Doug now knows what it's like to get up in the middle of the night and pump:)

What about hapiness?

I was reminded this week as I did some more recording in the local recording studio about my attempts to get my driver's license. Recording can be like that. While you must be relaxed and in the zone, you are trying so hard not to make a mistake and such a mistake can come on the very last note of the song. I remember thinking I had past my driver's test, I think I was even waving to my sister who watched on the sidelines, only to be told later I had gone through the last stop sign. You see I was so excited that I had successfully negotiated the parallel parking and the three point turn - all in a big boat of a station wagon, that I lost sight of the finish line. My joy stole my concentration. Yes recording is like that. You have to get all the way to the end, with no mistakes - all while trying to stay relaxed and not think to much.

Concentration is still so important on today's road with today's cell phone drivers. It's also important to stay calm when late and not speed. As I sped up Route 1, late for my volunteer assignment in Daniel's kindergarten class, I slowed down too late after I saw the police cruiser on the side of the road. Yikes! I was going 70 mph in a 50 zone. Can you say big bucks? Not to mention the fact that I would now be very late. As I compiled my registration, insurance, license - I conceded defeat and waited. Suddenly I heard a knock on my window, and lowered it. "Galen McGovern, hi!"

I was stunned and had no idea what was going on. The policeman must have observed my confusion. "My son Harris is in Daniel's class." Oh. I didn't even know this man's name though I had met him once. He kept talking and explained he hadn't entered anything into the system about the incident. The upshot of the whole conversation was I didn't get the ticket even though I was 20 mph over the limit. We will have Harris over to play soon. Needless to say, I felt a little lucky that day and proceeded to the school - not really late afterall. The students thought it was a pretty cool story. "Did you really get pulled over?" Yes, but no ticket.

Unrelated thoughts

• Michael went to a Bar Mitzvah and I mistakenly bought (but caught later) a Bat Mitzvah card. At the time, there were simply no alternative cards and the fact that it was pink and sparkly apparently didn't register.
• Sanitary pads remind Doug of the old Shredded Wheat biscuits. Do they still have those?
• Michael forgot his shorts (again) and managed to run the timed mile in something like 6 min. 15 seconds in his heavy jeans.
• Poor Daniel had a day, a full day, of puking/fever on Saturday and said "This was the worst day of my life."
• When Doug turned in his resignation for a job he's 'hated' for 10 years - 99% of co-workers could only assume he was leaving for more money. "What about hapiness?" I asked.
• I ran into a friend in the graveyard with her dog and in the course of conversation she told me about a woman who she had a conflict with - the only person she's ever had a conflict with outside of her family. Well, though I tend to shy away from conflict this made me feel like I have a serious anger management problem. One conflict, ever?!

Fried to a crisp

When I ran into an Asian friend of ours at the pool, she had her daughter practicing her swimming. When I tried such things with my own son, he refused. So I let him have fun in the pool as we intended. We have also heard tales of this same friend's son practicing tennis with his ball machine, doing his Chinese homework, practicing his piano for an hour - you name it - all before he is allowed leisure time.

It all got me thinking about about the cultural differences - do these children listen to their parents more effectively or do the parents more effectively wield their power, or both? The girl at least seemed to willingly and happily practice her swimming. The boy however does seem to resist parental authority regularly, as well as other authority.

I can think of non-Asian examples of super achievers. I have relatives who are very competitive. As a result of that atmosphere, their children will very likely get athletic scholarships to college. I always wonder if the children would choose this path or is it just that parents have so much influence and children want to please those parents?

I also notice friends of ours whose incomes have increased by leaps and bounds while ours have stayed relatively flat.

But Doug explains my envy away and says these high earners are "fried to a crisp."

Speaking of high earners, my son interviewed my father-in-law for a school project about jobs. He excelled as a student and in the business world and told Michael he has no regrets . . .hard for me to imagine, but isn't that something? No regrets. He did the best he possibly could.

I guess with all these examples I feel remiss (competitive me) that the kids won't reach their potential or I won't/haven't reached mine and never will. Is pushing, focusing, and practicing the answer or will the result be - fried to a crisp?

I guess I wish I'd really focused on something when I was young - tennis, academics, music - but I didn't. I don't want them to have the same regrets.

Perhaps that's what those parents/earners are doing - going for it or having their kids go for it. Is it worth it? I always think balance is important and that's why playing outside was important to me even if I had a big test the next day - I consciously remember thinking an A-/B+ was worth not killing myself for an A+..

Coincidentally? while writing this, I ran into my Asian friend, again at the pool, while waiting for my son's swim lesson. So I asked her about the cultural differences. She suggested bribing the children :] or simply suggesting a bright future. They will choose this she assured me - the bright future. She acknowledged that Asians push their kids more and she has noticed that Americans seem to regret not sticking with things. Ah ha. Still I didn't get any real clear insights into the Asian philosophy and the language barrier didn't help. But Doug says the Chinese won't give away their secrets. . .

Spring thoughts

• "I just love the fresh air" Daniel said when getting out of the car on a breezy day - only he said it much more eloquently than that.
• Matt wore shorts to school before it was remotely warm by sneaking them under his sweatpants