The mother of invention

Daniel with his invention.

The 2-person snowboard.

As you all know, the Olympics are in full force. With that theme running rampant, Daniel has invented the new 2-person snowboard. He is so excited and wants me to send it to the Olympic committee for consideration. I actually think he might be onto something here but he may have a few design details to work on as the model is constructed with Legos.

Unrelated thoughts

• If women with big boobs work at Hooters, where do people with one leg work? IHOP (overheard on a sitcom)
• Ever notice how many old men drive around delivering car parts?
• Speaking of old men, they will be out in their little, old, tucked-away for the winter convertibles soon.
• A colleague uttered some expressions I had never heard of before: 'Off like a prom dress' and 'Smooth as toast'. O.K. I get the toast one, it's sarcastic as toast is not smooth but naive me is wondering about the dress. Does this expression mean things go v. quickly or v. slowly?
• When Daniel found a stray toy sheep under the couch, he said, "Hey look it's the sheep from my Jesus kit" - meaning the creche etc. His expression reminded me somehow of the G.I. Joe kits boys used to have when I was little.
• Tiger's apology was SO pathetic, robotic . . .fall from grace ain't pretty.

Random thoughts of greatness

This guy doesn't look like he could hurt a fly - right?!

Toto looking particularly cute after a haircut/wash and probably blow dry.

• When discussing heated car seats with Michael, he explained they are pretty neat only his butt doesn't get cold.
• My mother sent me a check for $22.70 - for the gas I put in her car during a visit a month ago. How she knows/remembers the amount is bewildering to me, as I paid in cash and she can't turn her neck very well.
• As my watch reflected on the ceiling the other day, I was reminded of school days and watch reflections on the teacher's back and blackboard etc. Kids could drive the teacher's crazy with this simple act of mischief, but not me - I was a pretty straight arrow.
• Michael woke up almost a whole hour early one day this week and when I heard the shower going, I too got up. Of course with no clock in the bedroom, I figured it must be time to get up. No. When Michael realized his mistake, he went back to bed for a good half hour. This was after showering and getting dressed. That is a TALENT I do not possess.

Dog Whisperer

The boys, at least a couple of them, actually thought that Cesar Milan aka. The Dog Whisperer was coming to our house. It was not that dog whisperer but rather the dog trainer from obedience class. Why? Toto the dog grabbed the cleaning woman's shirt tail in a growling, menacing way. She said she didn't do anything and she probably didn't. She was simply dusting.

Prior to that, Toto growled at and clamped onto the arm of one of Michael's friends who luckily had his coat on. Kudos to the friend who remained very calm and simply said, "He just bit me."

Both of these incidents happened near the front door.

In an effort to socialize Toto, I took him to the bus top. As the kids flooded off the bus, he cowered as a girl began to smother him with petting. My mistake. I should have read the signs. He snapped, attempted to bite the girl, as I snapped him back with the choke collar and smacked him on the underside of his mouth. Mistake number 2.

The dog trainer explained a violent reaction is very bad because the dog associates this with the human also being agitated by the threat. In other words, it is O.K. for me (the dog) to react that way. The other two incidents cited above were also accompanied by violent reactions by us owners. What can I say? It's kind of a natural reaction to protect fellow humans.

The trainer recommended a management plan and work to desensitize him. She recommended treating him with food when people are around. When the trainer arrived, I had Toto sit and asked him to stay (not sure he did), while I got the door. She immediately began to ply him with cheese. He was absolutely fine with her, as you can imagine. She said we could work to desensitize him to people by standing a distance way with Toto on the leash and gradually approaching the people, while continually treating him. This can be done in places with people, like soccer games etc. I'm not sure if we are ready for that yet. . .As for management; she said to tether him to a door when people arrive and to crate him when guests are in the house. Doug wasn't all that impressed with the advice. I guess he thought the whisperer would sweep in with magic and secrets and solve the problem.

Dogs are socialized at 8-12 weeks old. We don't know what happened to little Toto but he obviously does not take to strangers well. Off leash, when he can get way, he's fine and typically doesn't get too close. Though two women have managed to pet him of late on our graveyard walks. So there is hope. He might just need more socializing. But when he feels boxed in or threatened, he will react. And I'm not sure we can change that. DID I MENTION HE WAS FINE FOR OVER 6 MONTHS AND HAD NO AGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR OF ANY KIND?? He's also fine with other dogs.

Perhaps a kiosk by the front door filled with cheese for visitors to dispense at will. Our whisperer said she brings treats with her everywhere she goes.

More thoughts on aging parents

The first night in the FROG - family room over the garage - for you non-Carolinians - I thought it was a little cold. It was not until the next day I realized at least two of the windows were open at the top - obviously inadvertently left open by someone, as the dollar bills flew out the window on winter days and nights. How long they were open I don't know. For all I know, dollar bills were flying out the air conditioned house all summer as well. Other than my first night staying in the FROG, the house was kept a little warm for my tastes, but I understand older people tend to be colder.

I didn't mention last post how I cleared out my parents' freezers, one in the kitchen proper and one in the garage. How many bags of frozen vegetables and cheese does one need? One piece of salmon in the garage freezer was dated 2006 - need I say more? I made an executive decision to chuck out all opened bags (for the most part - unless it was something really good like nuts) so a human, any human, could actually see what was in the freezers.

After I left, my Dad took a hard fall - complete with hitting his head - all for a donut crumb. Now I don't know if he found that crumb but I hope it's the last time he tries that.

During my visit to N.C., one of my mom's friends joined us for lunch one day. She was looking for common ground and asked me "Do you like the wine - like your mother?" For the most part wine give me a headache, but that doesn't stop me a lot of the time.

Unrelated thoughts

• We have had a couple nipping incidents with Toto, after 6 months in our family. I've even taken to watching the dog whisperer and even called in a dog trainer. More on our session next post. The common denominator in all incidents is that I was present . . .and Toto has felt confined. As my father-in-law said, "If he really wanted to he could do some damage." This actually gave me some hope but I don't want to find out if he can do some damage - I want to nip it.

• Daniel asked me what it took to be a big boy.

1. Potty trained - check
2. Know how to read - learning
3. Eat all vegetables - mostly

• Upon seeing my bra hanging in my room, Daniel asked what it was. "Those are my holsters," I replied, within earshot of Doug. I heard Doug shortly thereafter explaining to Daniel that it is actually called a bra . . .

Life in the SLOW lane

It was not as bad as I thought it would be - visiting my parents for four days. They are OLD and with mom's suspect driving and Dad's Parkinson's, I thought I'd better check in on them.

Mom's driving checked out O.K. She has strategies to cross roads only at lights and secret back ways through parking lots or service roads she likes to use to avoid the main, four lane drag. I can't blame her - New Bern, N.C. is not an easy place to drive.

Though when I told Doug she drove he said I was taking my life into my hands. I did drive after talking to him, but I had to see how she drove for myself. Dad thought she could drive for another year or two, but how he knows this I am not sure, as he is basically house-bound.

As his body gives way - his mind remains fairly sharp. He's practically helpless but can walk, albeit slowly, and he can still eat by himself. As I said to my Mom, "He hasn't lost his appetite." But he's going to need some serious help soon. When I went out for a walk one day, I returned to a poop emergency. He pooped in his pants going down the hall to the bathroom. My mother told him that when he feels the slightest inkling, he needs to head for the toilet. "I could sit on the toilet half the day," he explained. She thought that's what he should do then. Doug wondered about diapers and I'll have to suggest that to my mother. She gets so fed up cleaning up his poopy PJs she just chucks them out and I can't blame her. I remember throwing out quite a few pair of undies when the boys where potty training.

So my Dad needs lots of help. He is totally dependent on her - even to help him up off the couch which requires quite a bit of strength. He explained the method to me "Don't let go until I let go, because even though I am on my feet, I am not that stable."

As he turns more helpless and childlike, a transformation is taking place - he's becoming sweeter, less argumentative, at least to me. And childlike is the best parallel - he needs help w/ his shoes. His nose drips. I cut his finger and toe nails. I help him on with his shirt. But I wasn't prepared to help him get dressed after the poop incident and subsequent shower even though it was difficult for my mom. No, I wasn't ready to see his privates.

His sense of humor is still intact - I don't remember him laughing so much. He took great delight in recounting text from a humorous author who wrote - "Shut up," he explained. I can't remember the author's name. . .He was also caught red handed bent awkwardly under a table looking for his doughnut crumb - at the risk of great injury.

His appearance was a bit funny when I arrived and Dad bore an uncanny resemblance to Ben Frankin - bald on top with long locks. I gave him a hair cut with the kitchen scissors because that's all they had.

The appearance of the house was another matter. There are piles and piles of papers everywhere. It's like my mother has turned into a hoarder. I cleaned out eight huge trash bags and a mountain of cardboard but didn't go near the piles of paper. Next trip. And there are boxes in most rooms that never got unpacked from when they moved to N.C. four years ago. . .

My first day there I went to the grocery store with Mom and was surprised to see that she rides the electric cart. "It's alot faster," she explained. "Follow me." And off she roared. I have a hilarious picture of her on the cart and will try to figure out how to get it off my phone. "Anybody behind me?" as she proceeded to back up. The personnel in the store all seem to know her by name and are all very helpful and polite.

At Curves I met Penny who works there and the regulars who 'work out.' Work out is one loose term but they seem to have a real camaraderie up there. As Penny explained the machines to me, my mother began her circuit. Penny's instructions included things like "Kiss my butt" and “Vanilla ice cream, chocolate ice cream." She instructed me carefully and I think she was worried I might hurt myself. She also explained that my mother doesn't do the machines the correct way, so don't follow her - but it was all O.K.

As one of the caregivers from Seniors Staying At Home said of my mom, "She doesn't think she needs help, but she does." A sign on the oven says "Turn off when done cooking" in my Mom's handwriting. At the department store called Belk, she emerged from the ladies room with a trail of toilet paper. At Harris Tweeter (groceries), it was the paper toilet seat cover. I did find the oven on (with nothing cooking), water running, and watched her drive in the middle of the road in her development - though no cars were coming, it had me concerned.

I had a pleasant visit with long sleeps, long walks, and time catching up with my parents amidst my chores of cleanup and assistance. Life moves very slow down there . . . . forget a To Do list.

As I left my Dad asked, "Do you need any money?" and Mom asked me outside "Do you have enough money?"

I thought I could sing

To support the school play, I signed up for the adult chorus. It was clear from the moment I walked in to the first practice that I was out of my league. They handed each of us a big black book with the scores and it was apparent many of the singers could sight read i.e. read a note and literally sing it. Now I can read music but I have no experience with sight reading. This came to light when a few of the notes in one song were apparently wrong - singers were penciling in the correct notes on the staff. I didn't bother because, as I explained, I will be singing strickly by ear.

Or will I? I actually contemplated dropping out after the first practice because the songs were hard. Dam hard. One of them had something like six flats.

I feel like I can sing somewhat and carry a tune but it was hard to pick up any tune in any of the songs. I even asked the choir leader if the songs were hard and he confirmed they were. Why write a song with no tune - I ask?

On the upside, I met more than a few nice people at the practice.