The night the babysitter peed on our rug

When I was just breaking into the writing field I decided to interview a young woman who had worked for us as a babysitter previously. She had a heartbreaking accident that left her debilitated - details of which I won't go into here so as not to reveal her identity.

She dropped by on the planned night and we decided to do the interview at a local bar/restaurant. Probably my first mistake. As this was a highly emotional topic and incident, we likely had a couple beers along with our Quesadillas. I remember the food well.

Once the interview was complete we were prepared to walk the half mile or so home but somehow detoured into the bar area. Well, by chance the owners of the bar were all congregating, drinking, and generally having a good time. I felt absolutely out of place - frumpy Mom out with the hard drinking crowd. I remember my feelings well and one of the owners (who admitted to me he was an alcoholic) said something to the effect like "Did you and I ever do it" - because you see he wouldn't remember. I shook my head No, because I would remember and resumed sitting sat at the high table. I remember distinctly looking over toward the bar and watching my interviewee down a shot or two - complete with liquor dribbling down her chin. Yikes!

O.K. So after a while of feeling really out of place, I told her that I had to get back. She agreed and we walked home with some creepy guy? seemingly following us most of the way home. When we arrived, she asked if she could spend the night - which seemed like a sensible idea given all the drinking. After I agreed and she didn't follow me in, she explained - 'Not now, I am going back out again.' Mistake number 2 or 3 - I've lost count.

Later that night, much later, I heard a scratching sound as someone tried to find the key hole in the front door. I think I got up and let her in.

By that time, I hadn't slept at all with all the drinking and scratching and all.

And the noise downstairs continued. Thumping, bumping you name it. Finally I was furious and ready to kick her out and descended the stairs to hear what I thought was the tap running. As I rounded the corner into the dining room, there was the subject squatted down on our Oriental carpet peeing - a large volume I might add. After some yelling - telling her to leave and the requisite clean up, the subject retreated to the couch in a dazed humiliation and refused to leave.

I don't think she was there the next day when I woke up but I do remember some crumpled up carnations as some sort of token apology. They might have even been the white ones with the green edging - like you see around St. Patrick's Day.

There's been a lot of pee on our carpets since then - so it's all under the bridge by now.

Unrelated thoughts

• You know its cold outside when you don't take your hat off in the car.
  
  
• I guess Tiger took that slogan "Just Do IT" to heart.
  
  
• When I related to an old friend that my mother should stop driving, he said, "She wasn't that good a driver to begin with" and we laughed because it's true. But I never remember her getting in an accident. Because she grew up in Bermuda (without cars) she didn't learn to drive until she was something like 28 years old. If there was a highway - she wasn't driving on it. If there was a snowflake threatening to fall, she didn't drive that day. If there was snow on the streets, FORGETABOUTIT.
  

Signs

Oh I believe in signs and coincidences and synchronicity and all that stuff. In fact I told my mother when she dies I want a sign that life goes on. I am going to find a fabulous piece of amazonite on the beach. We've got it all planned.

In times of immense struggle I have found signs as well. An evil co-worker was out to sabotage my reputation and projects and created a project with the acronym DAN. I ultimately left the job because I felt life was too short and I wanted to do other things - like write. But a few years later we had a son and coincidentally? named him Daniel. Now I had forgotten all about the DAN project but I certainly wouldn't have had another child if I had continued working there. Coincidence?

Likewise, at that same job during a luncheon walk to get out of the stressful, troubled atmosphere I composed a song - that I believe(d) would prove to be a hit song. I have since recorded it and have sent it to a few places - so time will tell.

But there have been other signs - signs of god's love when I have been absolutely down and out. Long ago, I had a dream about standing behind a male assisting him as he urinated. Now my boyfriend at the time was very judgmental and I believe said something about penis envy. This boyfriend was something I prayed and prayed about - for it all to work out. Years and years later that vision came back to me as I helped one of my son's take aim at the toilet. In other words, the sign said to me I was meant to have these sons with this husband.

Speaking of peeing, next time I will have to regal you with a funny? story I was reminded of at a recent dinner party - and yes it involves someone peeing - on our rug.

Unrelated thoughts

-A boy on Matt's bus was making fun of him and calling him a homosexual. "That's terrible," I said with sympathy. I added, "Not that being a homosexual is terrible." In case you are worried, we have the whole situation worked out.

-I thought I had calmed myself down a notch with the full time job and the kids and all but my eye has been twitching the last couple of weeks - saying otherwise.

-Someone 'stole' my towel at the URI pool the other day. I finished my laps and it was gone. Doug and I both agreed we are not sure we would want to use someone else's towel - except each other's of course. The lifeguards offered to check in the men's locker room and told me I could come out and check with them after I got dressed -oblivious to the fact that I needed a god damned towel.

-How does Santa differ from Tiger? Santa stops after three Hos.
There was a v. funny sport's column listing all the slogans of the products Tiger endorses, with new takes on them. Gillette -'The best a man can be' - god I hope not. You get the idea. It was very creative. Personally, I find the whole affair(s) sickening - but Doug is enjoying the fact that people create false images of people (can you say pedestal?) when they really might be asses.
Why get married? And what can Tiger's mother be thinking? Doug insists she's known all along.

While you were gone

This note was left by the phone for me after Doug and I returned from an outing. The older boys were in charge of babysitting while we were out - though Michael was still asleep when we left, so Matt was really the primary babysitter.

What Matt did while you were gone

-Watch TV and eat multiple servings of breakfast
-Bully Daniel into playing Truth or Dare
-Put a frog in the microwave
-Watched a gory movie

This note was forged by Michael to replace the original note, which follows.

What Matt did while you were gone

-Spread leaves over garden
-Fed Daniel
-Unloaded dishwasher
-Loaded dishwasher
-Pretended to have an interest for Daniel's half hour story on ninjas; trust me IT WAS BORING
-Then watched Daniel's war movie to make him think we shared a common interest in war.

What Michael did sleep!!

This humorous competition had me laughing.

Unrelated thoughts

• Daniel was pretending he was his teacher at school the other day. He was telling his friend he would get a yellow slip for such and such an infraction when that friend (age 6) promptly stuck out his middle finger. Daniel told this story like he was horrified and he was v. confused when I started laughing.

• Don't ya just hate those women that don't eat? I remember commenting to a neighbor on her weight loss and then commenting on my own steady state. In regard to my steady state she asked 'What is the issue (for you) - snacking, portion control, more exercise?' YES ALL OF THOSE.

• My mother called me on my birthday but forgot to wish me happy birthday - instead she launched into some elixir I was to go buy at the health food store that would help my sore throat. Her last several calls have involved similar themes: 'Are you still using aluminum pots for cooking?', information about beef recalls, and fluoride concerns - 'Are the boys still using fluoride toothpaste? Well, I hope they are spitting it out.' You see, I have my very own health protection officer.

• I remember a joke that went bad - a close friend was turning 69 and I bought her a small bottle of Old Grand Dad with a note that said '69 and a little Old Grand Dad just seem to go together.' Needless to say, she didn't think it was as funny as I did and kind of gave me a confused glare when she read the card. Kudos to Doug for saying 'Are you sure you want to do that' before the gift giving.

• Daniel thought he had teeth in his poop the other day. I tried to get him to remember what we had for dinner the night before - corn.

• Speaking of poop - my mother seemed horrified at the reality of wiping my father's backside. He is getting v. feeble and immobile with Parkinson's . . . .

Laws of the Boys

I found this some time ago and was going to try to turn it into a newspaper column but alas I was laid off. These laws were created by my son and possibly a friend as rules for their clubhouse. At the time, he was 9 years old and quite embarrassed that I found it.

1. Trust nobody
2. Accept other ideas (if they are good).
3. Always have gum on you. Only for emergencies (like bullies).
4. Never yell (it looks dumb).
5. Avoid girls. They're impossible to understand.
6. If you want to end a conversation just say random numbers or sounds.

Well, what can I say? I don't agree with number one. I like to believe in the good in people but circumstances can make people change. Circumstances like money and inheritances for instance.

I do agree with number two. Who wants bad ideas?

Gum is nice to have. Though I don't often chew it you never know when it might come in handy to break the ice or repair something akin to MacGyver - remember that old TV show?

Yelling and losing one's temper doesn't accomplish much . . .

As for number five, the same might be said for men or boys.

Number six sounds like the insanity defense to me and could indeed be very effective.

The greatest gifts

I promised to write about the best gift(s) I have ever received and there are three that I can think of.

I worked in the cafeteria for a couple years in college and befriended a shy, 'townie' woman named Mary who was very sweet and definitely grew up with limited educational opportunities, limited funds, and lots of hard work. We maintained our friendship right through my senior year even though I no longer worked in the cafeteria. I remember it was hard to tell her that I had received a job with a professor and would no longer be working with her. But through senior year, we'd meet on occaision for donuts/coffee in the school cafeteria. This venue was open to the public so I could attend even though I was no longer on the school cafeteria plan and mostly subsiting on Kraft Mac and Cheese and frozen peas as I recall.

Anyway, when I graduated from college she gave me a card with a $20 bill in it. This was such a huge sacrifice for her and it is still one of the best gifts I ever remember. I remember I went over to her house to say goodbye to her when she gave it to me.

Similarly, when I worked as a newspaper editor I had a reporter who was v. poor (aren't they all by the way). Though he didn't dwell on it, I remember him scraping together enough money to fill his gas tank and counting on the meager mileage checks for sustenance. At Christmas time, he gave me a $10 gift certificate to Dunkin Donuts which was just about the sweetest thing ever. As I opened it he explained, "It's only $10 dollars." But I knew again what a sacrifice that was for him. I was touched and that was definitely my nicest Christmas present that year.

One other memorable gift that comes to mind was when my grandmother escorted my sister and I into some fabulous gift store and told us we could pick out whatever we wanted. Well, just the thought of the endless possibilities still registers as one of the best gifts ever - and I don't even remember what I picked out because it doesn't matter. The gift was so magical and generous and without limitations.

Unrelated thoughts

• Daniel calls his new basketball sneakers his 'high heels'
• Matthew took a swig of cranberry juice the other day and with a pained expression on his face scowled "What did you do to this juice?" After a few moments, Doug asked him if he had recently brushed his teeth . . .
• When I returned to a state agency where I had worked for 6 years I was struck by the timewarp atmosphere but I was also wistful remembering the nice Italian women who had hung out their rosary beads on their clotheslines for me the day of my wedding to ward off the rain.
• When you haven't seen people for 10 years or more, the changes can be dramatic. Like going from hair to no hair, fat to thin, brown to gray - you get the idea.

Mohawks and other thoughts

Mohawk, ain't it grand!

Well what can I say. Doesn't this image make a mother or father proud. Daniel has had a severe outbreak of lice in his kindergarten class and thankfully (I am told, though I have no experience with lice) he has not contracted them. But he did get a Mohawk when I suggested Doug buzz his hair off. "He's always wanted one," was the answer I received. I thought Daniel would be severely made fun off but he seems to like the attention.

I did insist we cut it off before Thanksgiving (the photos and all).

It's kind of reminding me of my good friend's husband who just got a sizeable, colorful tattoo. I actually don't think he got it because he loves tattoos, there's some other deeper, lurking reason akin to Daniel's loving the Mohawk - the attention, rebelliousness, or some other deeper pschyology. Doug said these reasons are why everybody gets tattoos. This tatoo has caused some tension in that household and I think that's part of the appeal.

Unrelated thoughts

• Hey, Toto the dog has taken to sleeping on the couch in the kitchen. He is so brazen and so cute that no one has bothered to kick him off or reprimand him. It pays to be cute.
• Oh, the Patriots lost in a big way to the Colts but what I take from the whole episode is the fact that it is so easy to second guess a coach or team when we know the outcome i.e they lost.
• I've decided what my purpose is in life: to give people a nudge and make people think. What do you think of that?

I'm also coming out of my shell and decided to volunteer for the children's sermon at church. It would be so tempting to grab that wireless mike and launch into the intro of Blue Moon. "Kids this microphone is SO cool." But alas I was going to talk about gifts and the greatest gift I have ever received and then of course parlay this with the gifts we all have and the gift of Jesus etc. which I don't buy that much but this is church afterall.

I'll write about the greatest gift(s) I have ever received for next time. Peace.

Confidence is key

A woman at the talent show said her life is so full of responsibility with work and kids that it was nice to have something that was just for fun. She and two other women did a dancing/karyoke number to Dancing Queen. It was funny and looked fun.

Before the talent show, Matt said 'Confidence is key' and for him that meant preparation. he practiced and practiced and had his song memorized. He went up to the piano and didn't even open his music and he played it flawlessly. I was so proud of both he and Michael. Michael too practiced his song though he regreted not picking a more difficult one. As a result he was a little embarrassed.

As we convened at Tony's Pizza afterward, I told him to be proud, and not to take anything out on himself. He could be proud - look at all the people in the audience that didn't get up there. He seemed to understand - focus on the positive and take from this 'I'll choose to do things differently nex time' but DON'T take the experience out on yourself.

They both vowed to do the talent show next year - so that's an encouraging sign.

As for my experience, I went last which was an excruciating wait, but the talent show was hokey enough not to take it too seriously. Besides it was mostly kids.

I was nervous but I played my song pretty well - though I didn't make much eye contact with the audience. And I took my own advice, I was proud and vowed next time to engage the audience a little more and to not cut the song a little short (I cut off the last chorus). But I was proud and Michael even said I was the best one in the show.

Which seguays nicely into a question Doug asked me in regard to a conversation we were having about critiques - 'Would you rather have people tell you you are good, even if your music sucked?' YES. We laughed and laughed.

An original song is Soul Bearing. Be Kind.

I too may do the talent show next year - so I take that as a good sign.